You are the Glue

You are the Glue

My name is Laura, and I have a confession to make. I struggle with being enough. Despite my best efforts to manage my self-care and to keep my mindset flowing positively, sometimes I fail. Miserably. Some days, that strong, confident, resilient, work in progress that I am gets lost.

There are days when being on social media makes me feel like I am not enough, and I hate that. As much as I love to write, I sometimes sit back and ask myself, “why am I doing this?” and “will this lead anywhere?” As blessed, as loved, and as happy as I am in my life, somedays I can’t help but be envious of those around me. As many small successes as I’ve had, suddenly, they don’t seem so successful. Even though I exercise regularly and have made great strides in improving my mind, body, and spirit, there are days when I feel like my good isn’t good enough.

From a mindset that, more often than not, thinks, “why not me?” it becomes “why me?” 

Then, I fall ever so slightly back.

I recoil.

I brood.

I cry.

I withdraw.

And sometimes I break.

Sometimes the pieces are scattered on the floor. They stare back at me. They beg me to pick them up and glue them back together.

I look at the pieces, and I wonder how did I get here?

I say to them: “I don’t have any more glue. So, how can I put you back together?” 

Only to have the shards of the layers that fell to the floor say back to me: “YOU are the glue.”

For any of you who know me or have read any of my previous musings on personal introspection and the quest to persevere, you know it hasn’t been an easy road. Even though I am in a healthy space most of the time, lately, I have been struggling, especially with believing that I am enough.

Here’s the thing. Deep down, I know that I am. But knowing and believing aren’t always mutually exclusive, and it’s taken me a while to figure that out. I know I can do a lot of things, and I have. But only after I believed that I could. It’s easy to lose sight of that latter part.

Somewhere, however, between deep down and the surface lies a middle layer that isn’t always sure. It’s where all the mixed up, gelatinous, uncertain, and sometimes sour ones congregate, and they can be a hot mess. It’s those mass of feelings that bubble to the surface and try to negotiate their way into my life. And they aren’t quiet about it!

Shushing those feelings isn’t easy, and navigating them isn’t always a cakewalk. Sometimes, they win – temporarily. Most times, they don’t. While I don’t always come out the victor right away, I continue to learn ways to manage better.

However, what stands out the most is that I am human, and I have feelings. Whether they are good feelings or bad ones, they are mine, and I own them. We are inextricably connected.

There are often implications in society that we shouldn’t let our vulnerabilities show. I say, piss off. And I say that as a person – and as a woman – who has picked up the pieces over and over again.

I am the glue, and I am enough.

So, if you are ever having a day, a week, a month – or even a year – where that hot mess bubbles to the surface, please know that you are not alone. I’m right here with you, and I’ll happily share some glue with you anytime.

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Laura Mikolaitishttps://bellasolwrites.blogspot.com/
Laura is an instinctive dot connector with a propensity for learning who seeks to maximize productivity and throws down challenges. Currently, she is the Director of Sales Operations for the Annie Selke Companies, a textile company located in the beautiful Berkshires of Massachusetts. It is here where she gets to put her top strengths to use and thrive in creativity. Laura hails from Northern NY, but a tiny hill town in Massachusetts is where she calls home. She credits her writing, which laid dormant for years, to her late mom who always believed in her. Inspired by millions of moments, Laura writes unabashedly from the heart. Whether it is poetry, fiction, or a personal essay, her love for the written word feeds her mind, body, and spirit. With a dash of hope and a sprinkle of faith, she is the little engine that could.
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Larry Tyler

Very touching story. Equally in life we must embrace the pain as well as the joys.

Jacqueline Greene
Jacqueline Greene

As a woman, I have struggled with that so many times but as a person, I’m pretty solid. Why is there confusion between the two?
I think voices from the past speak louder than our confidence so we allow them in without even realizing we do it. Thank you for sharing the glue.

Jonathan Solomon

Thank you, Laura, for giving us the opportunity to “understand vulnerability and in- adequateness” , which we all feel quite often. I love your statement, “I am the glue, and I am enough” .I recognize the uniqueness of “stickability” and can appreciate ‘glue’ in a new way.

I take encouragement from David J. Schwartz’s words, “You are what you think. Think enthusiasm and you’ll be enthusiastic. To get high-quality work, be enthusiastic about the job you want done. Others will catch the enthusiasm you generate and you’ll get first-class performance.”

Thank you again.

Maureen Y. Nowicki

Laura, there is something about your musings that I have appreciated from the first shares I happened to read. In you sharing this I am even more intrigued by you and your work. It sounds like you are a very feeling, sensitive, and sensing woman in the world and that can feel like a vice and a virtue. It also appears it has groomed you to be that true dot connector that within these experiences of the light and dark, the sun and the moon, the desert and the jungle – you have embodied wisdom. Your statement and revelation about feeling and knowing “you are the glue” is exceptional. All of what you have experienced, myself and I know others, many others can relate to at varying degrees. Your story is respected and your courage is beautiful.

Laura Staley

As someone who was told I was a “worthless piece of s&*^” and a lot of other nastiness over and over again as a child, teen, young adult, grown woman, I can completely relate to your essay, your heart, the glue that is you, that is me. Those pieces I have discovered in myself as voices of young ones asking to be loved. I continue to learn the power of loving them in the best way that I can when these “inner children” show up attempting to take the steering wheel of my grown up vehicle in which I usually love driving. I have even given them names (Pity Party Patty, Happily Flattered Florence, Envious Erica, Sulking Sarah…) so I can hold space with compassion to hear what they need to say to me, what they are aching for, how they might be stuck in some past time warp rather than noticing the year is actually 2019. Being human seems to hold all of it-thoughts, feelings, memories, joys, hurts, pains, and the wet rag over the heart that feels “not enough.” I thank you for this honest, vulnerable, and beautiful essay. I see you. I am with you, Laura. Yes, please pass the glue or the purple glue stick because that’s my favorite.

Paula Goodman

Oh Laura..i do understand the life of being told I was not enough..made me struggle too. The day I figured out to say. “ that’s ok!l was a game changer. To actually accept that it was ok to feel this way instead of feeling guilty that I did feel this way. Make any sense? There are triggers in each day, but there are tools for us too, thank you for sharing so we get to chat! I’m here too! And you are enough! We all matter!
Chin up!?❤️??

John Dunia

Excellent Laura. I had one of those moments last weekend. I thought, “why am I spending all this time and getting nothing but nice comments”? When you share your vulnerabilities, it speaks to the majority of people. Most everyone goes through those feelings (it’s what shame does). So we fight through it. Encouragement from others help but we must ultimately learn that we are enough. Thank you again.

Jeff Ikler
Jeff Ikler

What, are you a mind reader, too, Laura? I periodically wrestle with this question and now is one of those periods. It’s rainy and dreary here in NYC on this Sunday, WHICH DOESN’T HELP! My “am I enough” question surfaces when I finish something major – like the book I just finished – and then my ol’ inner critic shakes off the dust and says something tender like “Well, what’s next – or are you just going to sit there?”

Thanks for sharing your wonderful vulnerable self.

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