What makes it so hard for many of us to make decisions? Many of us struggle, or watch our loved ones struggle with constant indecision. It shows up in small things like what to eat or wear, and it shows up in big things like where to live or who to marry. Where does this chronic indecision stem from?
Many of our earliest experiences taught us to distrust our own inner responses to our own experiences. When we were told ‘Big boys don’t cry’, ‘Don’t be sad’ or ‘You are overreacting’, we began to disconnect from our own natural response to what was happening and what is true for us In this way, we have been trained by the authority figures in our life to ignore or turn away from what we feel or see, and instead rely on what they feel or see in response to us. This has us believe our job is to make others feel good. This inversion is at the heart of our current cancel culture rooted in the belief that our feelings and experiences can ‘offend’ another individual. Instead of being responsible for what we think and feel about and for ourselves, cancel culture focuses on the same premise of the experiences that taught us to distrust ourselves – the belief that we are responsible for everyone else’s experience instead of our own.
I become indecisive when I’m attached to a specific outcome. For instance, if I wanted my date’s approval as we ordered off the menu, I couldn’t decide what I wanted until they ordered. Then, I could ‘match up or fit in’ for their approval. I gave up my inner response (what felt best to me) and latched onto how I would be perceived by them. If I were dating a meat eater, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing my commitment to a vegetarian lifestyle for fear of disapproval and/or rejection. Instead, I’d make up an ‘acceptable’ story about why I wasn’t eating meat that night. That story might be simple or dramatic, but it would keep me from honoring what was right for me, in the effort to keep their approval. My attachment to ‘looking good’ and getting approval was more important than honoring my inner response.
One of my clients becomes indecisive when one of the choices they are facing is NOT something they want, yet they feel they risk hurting another, or themselves, if they say no. If we don’t have a healthy relationship to saying no without guilt or shame, then we may find ourselves constantly deciding based on what others want – instead of what we want.
Our inner responses to our experiences are some of the most important pieces of information we have about ourselves and our reality.
Our inner senses provide critical information to assist us as we release old limiting patterns that have us feel stuck, upset or lost in others. As we release those old patterns our perspective changes and we tend to have more discernment around what we do and don’t want to experience. That means that situations that we used to ‘put up with’ are no longer acceptable to us and better experiences can now replace them. Now we are making better decisions for ourselves.
With that discernment in hand, we can begin to make decisions around what is best for us moment to moment, decision by decision. When I release my attachment to getting someone else’s approval and instead focus on my own inner approval, I don’t have to hold back my decision based on anyone else anymore. I can just focus on what feels right and best for me. If someone else is offended by me making a loving choice for myself, I’m OK with that and I hope they will find a way to heal whatever I triggered in them in the first place.
What decisions can you start to make today?
