To stay on a diet you chose?
To keep with a fitness plan you decide you want?
To keep your commitments?
To be honest even when it hurts in order to have a honest relationship?
To not settle for less than you want in a mate?
To do what you say you will do?
To not do what they say they won’t do?
To make the best decision for yourself about
Your home purchase?
Where to live?
To be the type of parent you want to be?
To be the type of spouse you want to be?
Amy Cuddy, famous for her TED Talk on body language, says people judge us on trust and competence but trust is the most important.
People tend to treat us as we treat ourself. There is a lot of research to support this statement when it comes to self-esteem and even to victims. It’s one reason I am excited about the Victim to Survivor to Thriver course I am currently teaching. A Victim mindset attracts people who are looking for victims so a change of mindset changes the way the world responds to you. I am often criticized for sharing this evidence-based fact because it is perceived as blaming the victim but it is not blame. How can a person be blamed for something they’re doing that they don’t realize endangers them? I don’t think they can.
What kind of person knows that a victim mindset increases a person’s risk and doesn’t tell people so they can focus on doing something about it? I am all about helping people avoid problems because it is one way to thrive more. What difference does it make? Statistically, once a woman has been raped her risk of being raped again is seven times greater than that of a woman who has never been raped. An individual who was abused as a child is at much greater risk of being victimized as an adult, by spouses and others.
It is the victim mindset that makes them easy targets for those who are looking to prey on others. That’s actually good news because it is easier to change a mindset than it is to change one’s history.
Let’s go back to discussing trust. I haven’t seen any research on this specifically relating to whether a person trusts themselves and how that translates into others trusting them but it makes sense that it would be a factor.
So the question is, do you trust yourself?
Look at the list of questions at the beginning of this article and answer them honestly as they pertain to yourself.
Do you trust yourself?
How do others generally treat you as far as trust? Do they trust you about as much as you trust yourself?
If you don’t trust yourself to do the things on the list it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It just means you haven’t learned skills that help you do the things you want to do. That list of things I asked if you trusted yourself about isn’t about doing things others want from you. It is about doing what you have decided you want.
If you don’t trust yourself to do that it means you would be able to be more of who you want to be if you learned some skills to help you.
One skill that I use is something I call the Power of a Decision. The German philosopher Johann von Goethe wrote:
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back; always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no one could have dreamed would come his way.
Emerson summed it up with this brief quote:
Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Try making a definitive decision to do the things you want to do to be the person you want to be. Don’t tell yourself I’ll try. Trying is how the path to failure is paved. Make the decision and stick with it. If you leave yourself wiggle room the chances are you’ll use it.
One of the main sources of self-criticism is the failure to be who you want to be. Not being who you want to be isn’t a character flaw; it’s the result of the absence of skills. Your mind is your greatest friend if you use it to help you.
Try it. I believe you’ll like it.