Fear can be crippling and debilitating, but guilt can make you do things you never thought you would do.
As I walked through the gate, I paused.
What am I doing? I continued walking, looking behind me as the crowds swarmed beyond the gate. It was dark and loud. Chaotic energy filled the air. Seas of people everywhere. I walked down the dark hallway with my then-in-laws.
We came out into the sun.
My mother-in-law took my arm. She knew I was terrified. When we walked through that door. It was like being on the trading floor when a stock went through the roof. Music, shouting, smells of food. People speaking a language I didn’t fully understand. Pushing and shoving.
We kept walking.
Again. What am I doing here? I wanted to turn back. I kept going. Everything stopped. There he was. The man I had not seen in quite some time. Tears ran down my face. He looked different. He pushed his way through the crowd. He forced a smile, extended a hug, and ushered us off to a quiet corner.
I was in the general population in a different country, as a visitor.
I was terrified.
I wanted out.
I don’t think I have ever been that scared in my life.
What am I doing here?
In that moment I realized. The man I once knew was gone. The lies had come full circle. This was real. I didn’t know this man before me. Out of guilt of abandoning him. I stuck to my vows. All the lies and mistreatment came flooding in. In that moment. I put myself in harm’s way for the last time. I was done. It was time to choose me.
You must let go of the guilt in order to think clearly. I knew that wasn’t a safe place for me to be on so many levels. This went against all my core values.
I knew I couldn’t be married to someone waist-deep in lies. I had believed for too long that everything would be fine. He had no reason to lie to me. It was all just a misunderstanding, a mistake.
My intuition was screaming at me to get out. I didn’t listen. I was lying to myself. I didn’t listen due to fear of another failed marriage. Fear of truth. The guilt of leaving him in a place like that kept me in that marriage for way too long.
Look into your guilt.
If it’s not yours put it down.
If it is, you need to #discover why you feel it. If you did something to feel guilty for, you need to right your wrongs. None of this is going to be easy. I have definitely been through more than my share of bad experiences. I choose not to live there anymore and so can you.
Realizing this #vulnerability is another layer of pain and trauma to shed.
It no longer serves me. It no longer serves you.