Fear can be crippling and debilitating, but guilt can make you do things you never thought you would do.
As I walked through the gate, I paused.
What am I doing? I continued walking, looking behind me as the crowds swarmed beyond the gate. It was dark and loud. Chaotic energy filled the air. Seas of people everywhere. I walked down the dark hallway with my then-in-laws.
We came out into the sun.
My mother-in-law took my arm. She knew I was terrified. When we walked through that door. It was like being on the trading floor when a stock went through the roof. Music, shouting, smells of food. People speaking a language I didn’t fully understand. Pushing and shoving.
Sensory overload.
We kept walking.
Again. What am I doing here? I wanted to turn back. I kept going. Everything stopped. There he was. The man I had not seen in quite some time. Tears ran down my face. He looked different. He pushed his way through the crowd. He forced a smile, extended a hug, and ushered us off to a quiet corner.
I was in the general population in a different country, as a visitor.
I was terrified.
I wanted out.
I don’t think I have ever been that scared in my life.
What am I doing here?
In that moment I realized. The man I once knew was gone. The lies had come full circle. This was real. I didn’t know this man before me. Out of guilt of abandoning him. I stuck to my vows. All the lies and mistreatment came flooding in. In that moment. I put myself in harm’s way for the last time. I was done. It was time to choose me.
You must let go of the guilt in order to think clearly. I knew that wasn’t a safe place for me to be on so many levels. This went against all my core values.
I knew I couldn’t be married to someone waist-deep in lies. I had believed for too long that everything would be fine. He had no reason to lie to me. It was all just a misunderstanding, a mistake.
My intuition was screaming at me to get out. I didn’t listen. I was lying to myself. I didn’t listen due to fear of another failed marriage. Fear of truth. The guilt of leaving him in a place like that kept me in that marriage for way too long.
Look into your guilt.
If it’s not yours put it down.
If it is, you need to #discover why you feel it. If you did something to feel guilty for, you need to right your wrongs. None of this is going to be easy. I have definitely been through more than my share of bad experiences. I choose not to live there anymore and so can you.
Realizing this #vulnerability is another layer of pain and trauma to shed.
It no longer serves me. It no longer serves you.
You are correct. That web of lies just keeps growing. You can choose to feed the lie or you can breakthrough it. I appreciate your wisdom and courage. Thank you.
This is great. Lies only deceive people. You tell one and then another to cover up the 1st one. It’s a vicious circle. And we tend to close our eyes wanting someone to be who you want them to be and overlooking who they really are. I had that happen to me feeling guilty and staying in a relationship but I finally stopped buying into the lies. I was loosing self. I knew once I found myself again there was more looking back.