My heart and mind have been kind of dry lately, hence, no desire to write. Every day I think, “ok, today I will write an article that may be of help to someone”, then the day goes by and nothing. I go to the various articles written by such great people on Bizcatalyst 360°, and I am inspired. I take time to read several articles, to comment, and then I am dry once more, but today I decided I would go forward and write the following:
It’s a little personal, but then as I see and read through the many articles on Bizcatalyst 360, I don’t feel intimated to write something personal, which going back through several of my articles, that’s exactly what they are! My thoughts, my personal opinions on life, and what is on my heart. Today is no different.
Recently, while being up at the wee hours of the morning as I usually am, I can’t seem to sleep between the hours of 12:30-3:00 a.m., I pull out my laptop and begin clicking on the various apps that give updates on what is going on in the world, “Weather Channel”, “News”, “Instagram”, etc., and my thoughts shift to my adult children, my grandchildren, all of which I have not heard or seen in several years.
Then it hits me, the sadness and the thoughts, asking myself, “How can children turn on their parents like this”? How is it that the things you provided for them are forgotten! Instead, it’s the errors of parenting that they remember, the things as a parent you know you could have done better, but now, it’s as though it doesn’t matter.
If I could sit in front of my daughter, this is what I would say, “I am sorry for the things that you hold against me that I did not do right”. I am sorry for your pain, what you didn’t understand, what you wish I could have done better. I would say without question that “I Love You”, tried to be the best mom I could, and most of all, gave all that I could under the circumstances. I would hope then that her heart would soften to where with growing older herself, she might understand. “I would let her know too that the absence of seeing my grandchildren is something I do not wish in her life or any grandparents’ life.
If I could sit in front of my son, I would say, “I am sorry for any hurt I have caused you”. If you will tell me what it is that I have done that has not allowed me contact with you for 18 years, I will ask for your forgiveness. I cannot go back and undo things, but more important to me than anything else is that you and your sister love one another, be there for each other, and think of what God will tell you both when you go before Him, because there was no forgiveness, and we all will before Him someday.
I would say to my grandchildren, “I love you all”, and I only wish you would reach out. That over the years I could not see you, I sent cards, I sent gifts, I remembered your birthdays, holidays, and finally, I started a chest of cards for you to come after I am gone because I have no idea if you have received what I have already sent.
Finally, I would say to God, “Lord”, you know my heart, you know my thoughts and you know that as a mother and grandmother I wasn’t perfect, but I gave my children their education, helped them when they were in trouble, tried many times to pick up the pieces, cared for them when they were sick, disciplined when needed, provided for the faith and education, gave them a warm home, always said the words “I love you”, perhaps spoiled them in giving so much, but Lord, the one thing you know for sure is that “ I love them and miss them, and I will see them someday again”. Watch over them, protect them, for we are all imperfect, but love conquers everything, and you Lord, will never abandon those who call on you as a mother and grandmother, I am at peace. Wherever they are, please tell them I love them, and I miss them.
This is what I would say………
Have you ever thought about what you would say to someone you cared about so much but they have abandoned the relationship either as a mother, a brother, a sister, a child, a grandchild? I can’t be in this alone. Know that I pray at night for all those who feel the same.
I know where this is coming form. My daughter spent some time being mesmerized in a small cult. And we went through the same period of disbelief and wondering why she had turned against us. As it turned out she was rescued, Not by me, but by the man who later became her husband, who was also in the same cult and who engineered their escape. Today we are as close as we used to be. The memory of that experience still haunts me a bit. And my daughter, who is a novelist, is doing her best to write the story in the hope that she can understand it herself. Sometimes, things happen for reasons that defy explanation. The best you can do is keep on loving your kids and hope they come out of it alright. That’s all we did, and it worked out. Hope the same for you.
I so Jim, continue to love them everyday even though I cannot see them. I reminince through pictuers I was able to take while being a part of their life which seems like ages ago. Thank you for sharing such an insightful moment in your life.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and courage in writing this essay from your heart, Lynn.
Thank you Laura for taking the time to read and comment, it means alot
Wow, Lynn. What a heart-felt, personal story. Thank you for sharing this. I cannot imagine the feeling you must have – blends of love and hate, which they say are really not all that far apart – they are each “caring.” To be able to write as you do, it seems like you have found your voice and, I hope, some peace. Peace be with you.
Lynn, what a beautiful, raw and heart felt writing. There is power in your vulnerability and healing in your sharing. May you find peace beyond understanding – knowing you are not alone. YOU got this!!! Thank you for sharing your heart…
Carolyn, thank you for taking the time to read and commnet. We never know as writiers who will want to read what we write or even respond. I have found peace but there will always be an absence that cannot be filled.
Always speak the truth from the heart Linnie. Funny, people always know the truth even though they hide it from themselves out of selfishness (sinfulness) especially from folks who love them. They will ultimately find themselves isolated within their hurtful pride.
You more than anyone understand what I have written both on an emotional and personal level. Thank you for your understanding. I can’t help but think right away that the truth will set you free. It set me free from the guilt and I wish only the best for those we love.
Thanks for writing this Lynn. I made a decision that led to my brother choosing to sever our relationship for almost the last two years. I can’t say I’d take them back, or do them differently. I think we’re just getting to the point where I’ll give it a go and say, “I’m sorry that my choice in this family matter upset and hurt you, and I love you.”
You’re not alone my bizcat360-sister. 💜2ya
Thank you Paul for taking the time to read and to comment. I will pray that your brother responds with a heartfelt desire to restore your relationship. I feel family is so important and life is too short to toss away someone so dear, despite the reason, it is better to forgive and enjoy the love of family, for we never know when we will loose the chance to reconcile such. I really hope the last three words above in your reply “ I Love You “ will touch his heart. God bless