What The Fork?

There are certain things I continue to do without really knowing why such as putting the cut-off strawberry butts back into the plastic container with the remaining intact strawberries when the garbage can is literally a foot away.  We live in the city and we don’t compost so it’s not like I am saving them as an organic soil amendment.  We have a garbage disposal, however; recently, after feeding it the entire skin of a spaghetti squash, totally clogging the pipes just as company arrived for dinner we all stood around for a nail-biting hour fraught with nervous tension while silently watching the maintenance guy’s butt crack as he was on his knees performing plumbing surgery in high hopes we could actually have our meal as planned.  I must say, there were many moments of doubt.  That day, I learned a valuable lesson about garbage disposals except when it comes to spoons.  We now have an entire set of coffee spoons with angry little slivery teeth.  Oh well, helps get the spaghetti squash out of its skin.

I was a bit mortified after about the fifth time bad but I didn’t cry.  Instead, I took a picture of the back of the spoon and enlarge the photo in order to see the name of the company.

I felt really bad about my accidental thoughtless and irresponsible disrespect for our spoons especially after hearing more than once, “Jesus! How hard is it to get a spoon out of the sink before running the disposal”?   I was a bit mortified after about the fifth time bad but I didn’t cry.  Instead, I took a picture of the back of the spoon and enlarge the photo in order to see the name of the company.  People, it gets real!  No more flashlight on my phone for reading and even readers alone are not enough.  I now take photos of everything in order to enlarge the image to enable me to read things including but not limited to: ingredients, prescription refill numbers, my credit number, flatware makers, etc.  I searched for replacement spoons everywhere, Replacements, eBay, Amazon.  No spoons!  What the Fork? I ended up writing to the company to see about replacing the angry little spoons.  Unfortunately, this particular line of  flatware has been discontinued per the return email I received below:

Dear Shelley,

Thank you for contacting Studio William Flatware. The range you are looking for was an exclusive pattern, “Papaya”, for Dillards in the USA, and is sadly no longer available. You are in luck, however as we do stock a range which is very similar in appearance. The closest matching Coffee spoon to your set is Karri Mirror. You can find the coffee spoon which measures at 116mm…

STRATFORD-UPON-AVON

WARWICKSHIRE

CV37 9HW

ENGLAND

I don’t know how to convert 116mm but what a lovely response. With such a lofty-sounding address like that, I pictured a dignified stone building, you know, Caen Limestone from a quarry in Normandy, Northern France with some lovely ivy covering the façade. Come on people, Stratford-upon-Avon is a medieval market town in England’s West Midlands, which is the 16th-century birthplace of William Shakespeare. In order to confirm my own fantasy, I thought I would Google Map the address.  Then I thought, what if it turns out to be some shitty office park?  Well, just like strawberry butts, I looked whilst writing this vignette, indeed, it’s a shitty office park.  Just because I’m an American, I somehow want everything in the UK to be a castle made of Caen!

Now that I have taught some of you a new word, I feel it is my duty to teach you something else.  Some of you may not know this however many people from the UK prefer to be referred to as English as opposed to British.  You want to know why?  Well, I’ll tell you why.  Britain refers to England, Wales, and Scotland.

Let me illustrate further:

Sean Connery, Timothy Dalton, Daniel Craig, and my boyfriend are all British, but Sean Connery is Scottish, Timothy Dalton is Welsh, Daniel Craig, and my boyfriend are English.

Just for fun:

British Accent: Salt and Peppaaaaah

American Accent: Salt and Peppur

Australian: Saaalt and Peppah

I really hope you did that out loud and continue to do so when for hours of fun.  Stuck in your head?  You’re welcome!

I thought about ordering the 116mm spoons but now that I know they are not made in a castle, I am not as motivated.

Here is a recap of what you may have learned from this story:

  1. Most European castles are made of a stone called Caen Limestone
  2. Strawberries have butts
  3. Disposals have limits
  4. British and English are not the same thing
  5. There are corporate parks in Stratford-Upon-Avon
  6. “Papaya” spoons have been discontinued
  7. My boyfriend is English as is Daniel Craig
  8. Various pronunciations of Salt & Pepper! You’re welcome

Oh and most importantly, 116mm equals 4.56693 inches

From the Weird Girl archives circa 2017

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Shelley Brownhttps://roimindfulness.com/
I’m Shelley Brown, A "Type A" Meditator. I spent 25 years in corporate sales, climbing the ladder and making great money, all while stress slowly consumed me. Then, after a particularly difficult time, I decided it was enough. So I learned how to address my stress. Then, I became better at my job AND my life. Today I teach sales leaders and their teams how to mitigate stress so they can be human beings at work and win more deals. And, BONUS! I help teams cultivate a sales culture that drives continual success. I’m not your typical corporate mindfulness trainer. In fact, I’m probably a lot like you.

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  1. Now that might be my favorite stream of consciousness. I have no idea how we got from point A to point 508 subclause (e) section iii – (can you tell I have been reading a lot of government documents lately?) but it sure was fun! This piece was meant for someone like me, it perfectly mesh with my attention span. I loved all of it, except the introduction to plumbers rear echelon, but it did kinda fit. Knowing you really makes this piece all the more enjoyable. Well done Shelley!

    • Awe thank you Tom! So happy you enjoyed it. I love meandering and then somehow finding my way to a point. I often say my storys are a roller coaster down a rabbit hole and back in line again. Fun finds us :)

  2. Shelley Brown, if ever there was an antidote to this horrible crisis we’re in, you’re it! I have to remind myself to go to the bathroom before I read your stuff as I almost pee myself every time from laughing so hard! You have a gift!!! Now, I must go relieve myself.

    • Kimberly, I wrote on LI that I hardly know what to do with your enornously generous content. I feel so blessed and humbled. Thank you. I totally understand about the pee thing! Sometimes I have to just lay on the floor when I start laughing for the same reason. Good thing I am quarentined as it’s a little weird to do in public. (Remind me to share a lululemon legging story with you)

      It’s so interesting, I find so much humor in life while holding a huge space of compassion for the suffering of others and the world. I haven’t written in this style for a while and instead make funny collage art however; I feel inspired to bring laughter to others and you and so many others are inspiring me to do just that so thank you!

  3. haha thank you Shelley, what a delightful article, made me laugh a few times. Okay, now I will only refer to the English as English. And, how many spoons have I lost to a garbage disposer? Tons. And, little teaspoons disappear… I think into the strainer before I had a disposer where the cuttings from vegies would sit, then someone would toss the teaspoon there to be lost and then thrown in the big garbage bin!

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