What’s the Root of Your Unhappiness?

There are many schools of thought today that say judgement is wrong and has caused many of our current ills and therefore we ought to be non-judgemental. This statement whilst being laudable is also nonsensical and shows a lack of understanding about humanity.  Built within us is a deep sensitivity towards imperfection which is what leads to judgement and criticism. Take a moment to drink that in – can you feel yourself relax a bit?  Understanding more about how judgement arises will help you to have a different relationship with it and potentially enable you to access integrity.

Judgement has its roots in childhood

We know that human development has three stages – physical, emotional, and mental. These are replicated by the three trimesters of pregnancy and then broadly 0-7, 7-14 and 14-21 years old. If like me you have teens you know how challenging it can be. They need to differentiate themselves and so will challenge your authority.  The key is not to take any of it personally which is easier said than done.

I used to think that my mother was the most judgemental person I knew.  And a few years ago we had a row and she told me that I was that person!  

In that moment I was shocked to my core.  It took me a while to realise that my judgement of her was a form of self-judgement.  I could not fully accept myself.  Acceptance is so challenging.

During the development of our mental capacities, from age 14 – 21 are judgement faculties are tested and forged.  If your parents are/ were not fully integrated adults, they would not have handled your challenges to authority well.  The net result is that you can then end up in the same low-frequency vibration and repeat the same patterns of judgement that you experienced yourself.

How can you change this?

First, be aware of the level of entanglement you have in collective negative energy.  Be honest.

  1. How often do you complain or worry about everyday issues?
  2. How much of a diet of gossip and/ or inward complaining about aspects of your life do you engage in?

These are all facets of the “victim mind.” And the more you indulge in such low-frequency activities the more you damage yourself and the world.

We all judge.  The key is to become aware of your judgements, see them for what they are and to stop identifying with them.  That is a critical step towards not falling into the trap created by your mind.  Recognise the strong relationship between judgement and opinion.  The more you identify with your opinions, the more you will defend your judgements.

How lightly can you hold those judgements? One way to start is by asking yourself this question the next time you find yourself in a debate with your teen for example: would I prefer to be right or happy?

And remember it is often conditioning.  It is probably deeply embedded in your unconscious so don’t be hard on yourself.  Your development works like Chemistry.  Issues that occurred in the first seven years of your life have an echo in the next seven. Each stage builds on the previous stage just as in Chemistry you build on the initial foundation of learning.  If understanding of that is poor it is very hard to fathom what’s going on.  As you understand what made you the way you are, you will be able to disentangle yourself from your conditioning.

As you emerge from the shadow of judgement, integrity becomes your stepping stone to perfection. You are already whole but it is that voice in your head that prevents you from seeing it. The more you can drop into your heart, the easier it is to come from a place of wholeness and from there you can take on the whole world. Beware it is neither doing nor being alone: it comes through the doingness of being.

To conclude Jung put it well Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries. One further way to enter the core beneath your core can come through watching my video on integration.


Kate Griffiths
Kate Griffiths
Some call me the coaches' coach. I work with visionary leaders doing world work who are really good at what they do but haven't found their sweet spot yet. I help them unlock their whole selves by learning to build their intuitive muscle and so create more meaning. Ultimately this enables them to move into expanded awareness and the realms of higher consciousness. This is deep work because it requires you to embrace your shadow so you can discover the gold that is hiding there. You have both masculine and feminine energies within you but somewhere along the way you learnt to rely more on one more than the other making you either more of a "prover" or a "pleaser" Working with me you learn to access both energies so you can increase your presence and enjoy greater influence and visibility. Since 2008 I have pioneered an approach that integrates spirituality and business using Colour by blending the esoteric and the practical. I have found that it can transform every aspect of your life and enable you to develop the tools you need to ride the waves of adversity, you will experience in life. If you want to understand how colour can help then why not read my book Colourful Boardrooms. At the very least it will help you discover what type of leader you are. In 2018 I realised that I wanted to help change the story for the leaders of tomorrow so I set up Colourful Classrooms, a social enterprise, and have gone into schools and communities with programmes to support teachers, parents, and students to have better emotional health and wellbeing by building their awareness around what makes them feel more resilient. In terms of where I hang out:I tend to hang out on LinkedIn, so do connect with me there if you want to continue the conversation. And at the moment I am trialling a new social media platform MeWe which has the feel of the "village green" and to show my support for the stop hate campaign. If you like videos then do subscribe to my YouTube channel.

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