Did you know that there is a marked difference between your inner critic and self-bullying?
I like to see the “inner critic” as stage one of self-bullying.
Our inner critic shows up through the words we say to ourselves during moments of frustration, angst, and despair.
When we fail to recognise these detrimental words as untrue, we may engage in seemingly positive behaviours to overcome feeling unsettled because of the mean things we say to ourselves and as a means to silence the inner critic. This is stage two of self-bullying.
Where this becomes an issue is that these behaviours often appear motivational and can actually be motivational depending on the root cause behind what is driving this behaviour.
Stage two of self-bullying is more damaging because we fail to recognise these behaviours in ourselves or even consider them motivating, worse yet, it has the potential to become an addictive behaviour.
For example, we look at overachievers and admire them. But what really drives an overachiever if they are bullying themselves versus having a growth mindset? If they are bullying themselves, they are driven by the need to find their worth and value in their achievements, if they don’t meet their goals, they feel like a failure. Are we really what we do? An overachiever pursuing goals with a growth mindset does it to improve themselves so that they can help others.
What about an underdog? If they are bullying themselves, they thrive on proving others wrong but here’s the real question, would they have set out to prove naysayers wrong if no one doubted their abilities? They give their personal power away to the opinion of others. The need to prove others wrong doesn’t come from self-belief, it comes from self-doubt. Think about this – if we truly believed in ourselves and our abilities, would we feel the need to prove others wrong? If someone perceived as an underdog is achieving goals with a growth mindset, they thrive on learning from failures (growth).
Being an obliger is another way in which we bully ourselves – avoiding tension, and keeping the peace but battling a raging war within ourselves because we choose not to speak our truth.
But someone perceived as an obliger who has a growth mindset bears the pain of others, while honouring their own boundaries, so that others can grow.
Do you see how fine the line is between self-motivation and self-bullying?
There are other ways in which we bully ourselves because of our Thought Processes and our Uniqueness (eg an Exhorter engaging in attention-seeking behaviour – causing drama. Afraid to take action/worry wart/fretter/nervous Nellie). This is something I teach extensively in my Uniqueness workshop.
So, why aren’t we able to stop these behaviours? Are we even aware of them?
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE INNER CRITIC AND SELF-BULLYING?
In order to understand the difference between the inner critic and self-bullying, it is important to understand how our brains work. Imagine driving a car. What do you control? The brakes, the accelerator, the clutch if you are driving a manual transmission, and the steering wheel. What do you have no control over? The engine, how the oil ensures the engine runs smoothly, and how the gas gets to the engine to turn it over.
We have direct control of only 10% of the functions of the car and no direct control over 90% of the other functions. That is how our brains work – we have direct access and control over 10% of our brain (the conscious brain) and no direct control or access to the remaining 90% of our brain (the unconscious brain).
Our behaviours come from the unconscious brain which we have no direct access to or control over. This is why we are unaware of self-bullying behaviours. Self-criticism comes from the conscious brain which we have direct access to and control over and hence are aware of the way we speak to ourselves. Furthermore, we rationalize our unconscious behaviour consciously, we condone/justify the bullying behaviour and hence are unaware that it is bullying.
The inner critic is a voice that speaks to us harshly often in response to an immediate external event – mistakes, failures, self-doubt, insecurities, etc. It is from the conscious brain. We are somewhat aware of how we speak to ourselves. “I am so stupid, I am dumb, I am an idiot, what’s wrong with me, I should’ve known better!” Sound familiar?
Self-bullying are behaviours that are run by the unconscious brain – we are actually not immediately aware of these behaviours because of this. These behaviours are usually not in response to an immediate external event though it is built up as a response to a series of external events. Self-bullying is usually a way of self-guarding from feeling hurt or disappointed, judged or rejected and because of this, we convince ourselves that these are motivational behaviours and not bullying. Self-bullying behaviour is one response to silence negative self-talk, the other is embracing a growth mindset.
Let’s take an overachiever who is bullying themselves to demonstrate this. The decision to achieve something/chase after an achievement is made in the conscious brain as a response to feeling unsettled after we’ve said something mean/harsh or feeling insecure after someone else has said something mean/harsh.
Despite the achievement, the person continues to feel unsettled, in fact, that feeling gets worse over time.
The act/behaviour of chasing endlessly after achievements to overcome feeling unsettled is a habit formed within the unconscious brain. It is this repetitive behaviour of chasing achievements to escape feeling unsettled that is self-bullying and NOT just being an overachiever itself.
Why do we feel unsettled? Our unconscious brain knows the truth, when we state a lie (by criticizing ourselves – the inner critic), the unconscious brain detects the contradiction between the two, making us feel unsettled as a way to get our attention like a check engine light in a car while draining our energy in hopes we will resolve the contradiction.
Can you chase achievement without bullying yourself? Yes! As long as you aren’t doing it to run away from feeling unsettled due to a contradiction (lie) you have embraced. It all comes down to the cause. Why are you chasing achievement? You can chase achievement to learn to grow and use that knowledge to help others. That is non-contradictory.
The difference is that overachieving resulting from self-bullying is due to someone stating a lie about themselves and then trying to run away from the effects of feeling unsettled, while an overachiever for growth is about the non-contradictory positive effect you want others to experience be(CAUSE) of your added knowledge and wisdom.
Being an overachiever isn’t self-bullying in and of itself. What determines whether this is bullying is the cause of it:
- Self-bullying: behaviour of chasing achievements to overcome feeling unsettled caused by a contradiction.
- Growth: behaviour of pursuing an achievement to gain more knowledge SO THAT this knowledge helps others. This person isn’t driven by the desire to overcome feeling unsettled.
