What if You Set Yourself Free?

Freedom From the abusers

The abusers are character-disturbed individuals with whom you built a toxic bond (a parent, a partner, a friend; you name it!). Even if the emotional abuse is not explicit (in case the abuser(s) in your life are not belonging to the classical overt narcissists’ group), you need to realize that if you are constantly finding yourself questioning your worth and/or reality, defending yourself while you started an argument about some very obvious bad or heartless behavior and not getting how it suddenly became your fault, confused from witnessing the phase-shift between the talk and the walk, shocked from some disproportional rage triggered by a narcissistic injury, and the list goes on, then you need to start paying attention to the patterns, spot those red flags and help yourself!

You need to understand that an emotionally abusive relationship is never right for you and that you deserve much better. It is not your fault if the character-disturbed people you met or didn’t even choose to suffer from a disorder because of having been a victim themselves. I can fully relate to your compassion, strong desire to help them, and your tendency to always keep hope they might change. All kind-hearted people share those beautiful feelings and givers’ attributes. I don’t only get it; I also do love it.

But here is the deal: chances are close to zero they would change. How come? Their ‘grandiosity’ pattern blinds them from admitting there is something wrong with them at all. They would even dare say remarks like “I know better than this dumb therapist!”

Most importantly, your sanity goes before. Remember: Without putting your mask of oxygen first, you won’t be able to be of any help to anyone anyway! Psychological abuse is way more impacting than physical or sexual abuse as counterintuitive as it may sound.

When you are beaten, you know the origin of your physical hurt and that you were mistreated. When you are sexually abused, you also have no doubt about the abuse which you endured. Interestingly, when you are psychologically abused especially in a subtle way, you aren’t able to tell exactly what’s happening. The result, you start to question your own worth…

You deserve freedom. You owe it to yourself. You are anything but selfish whenever you decide to stand up for yourself. Stop feeling for your abuser(s) and finding excuses for them –at least until you can set yourself free from their prison and fully recover.

I know it is not obvious to go no contact. It could be a supervisor and you have no possibility to quit your job. It could be a partner or a parent on whom you depend financially. In such a case, please educate yourself in details about the different strategies, so that you can adapt your behavior accordingly.

From your limiting beliefs about yourself

This implies knowing exactly where you are, which kind of attachment style your life-time conditioning made us adopt. When you destroy your limiting beliefs about yourself, you ‘partially’ reconnect with your intrinsic worth and move from your distorted attachment style (Anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, fearful-avoidant) to the ‘secure’ one — where you build healthy emotional boundaries, where you share a genuine love and build nurturing and healthy relationships.

The reason why the reconnection is ‘partial’ is that you will still be having at this point many limiting beliefs about the world making you still disconnected from your original Center ‘the Principles‘. Your distorted Center could be ‘family’, ‘spouse’, ‘friendship’, ‘work’. For the character-disordered people, their Center would be ‘money’, ‘possessions’, ‘self’ or ‘pleasure’. You can also have a combination of different Centers. Your intrinsic worth is limited at this stage since it still depends on a changeable Center.

Destroying the limiting beliefs is extremely different from numbing them through mapping the positive affirmations though; which are reversible and overridden with the first incident. How do I know it? That was the first part of my personal adventure. Despite their very satisfactory result which could last for a while, I had an existential crisis because of two incidents occurring in parallel, and I was later so abused by a malignant narcissist I thought of committing suicide before being miraculously saved at the last minute by the grace of my pure love divinity.

This means that this first step needs to be done very seriously, that you need to carefully diagnose your patterns, be very honest about them, and progressively break them instead of just mapping what you are told to map, and keeping the dangerous phase-shift.

From my own experience and numerous observations, we commit the unbecoming the filter and are truly accountable whenever we reach a point of no return.

This adventure can be very effective even when you choose not to know the root causes behind your limiting beliefs about yourself, but that you define them very frankly and take the responsibility of changing what you were not responsible for creating in the first place. This is, to me, the highest level of wisdom and bravery!

From your limiting beliefs about the world.

This happens when you make use of your self-awareness human endowment to practice your critical thinking skills, question anything you read or listen to, any thought about the world in relation to the universal correct principles (you need to know by heart). During this process, and through progressively re-writing your biased algorithms, you become more and more able to spot manipulators through observing the inconsistencies in their talk.

In order for you to understand the power of your limiting beliefs about the world, let me give you an example: if I believe in the servant leadership at a conscious level, but that the algorithm is my subconscious program is still ‘Leadership means power, and formal authority is power’, then if a brilliant manipulator internationally recognized as a helper will talk formal authority, I will not even pay attention to it, since my subconscious mind is way faster than the conscious one; thus, it will be responsible for analyzing the data received from the talk. I will even feel inspired by their manipulation.


Myriam Ben Salem
Myriam Ben Salem
I am deeply passionate about everything life has to offer. Writing has been my very favorite means to educate my audience, captivate their attention, talk to their emotions, and make them relate and take action. I have been honored by working as a columnist for BIZCATALYST 360°, an Award-Winning life, culture, and biz new media digest, serving as the global hub for enhanced performance and well-being, during 2020. Also, I am a contributing author in Mayhem to Miracles: True Stories of Courage, Triumph, and Peace. I am so in love with writing that I have a peaceful smile drawn on my face whenever I start visualizing the books I will be writing for whoever will be tempted to discover an inclusive philosophy breaking with all the stigmas! I was born in Tunisia, a small country in North Africa. I did pretty much everything earlier than the average: walking, talking, singing, dancing. Promoted throughout my entire education, I was also the leader of every end-of-year party. At some point, after working several years for multinational companies as an engineer, team leader, project coordinator, and product owner while always being a top performer, I figured out I was feeling miserable despite the 'perfect external image'. That marked the starting point of an existential crisis followed by an episode that triggered my re-birth and the beginning of the most rewarding adventure of my whole existence: re-writing my subconscious program and reconnecting with my true self. I was saved at the last moment through an out-of-body experience making me see all the lies, realize this gigantic Universe was not revolving around me. Most importantly, I was able to visualize I was here to leave a legacy like all of you, no matter how big or small! The butterfly took time to emerge though. Today, I identify myself as a Universal Citizen. Like-minded and light-hearted people are what I call home. I am deeply passionate about everything life has to offer, and was granted the edutainer qualifier: a combination between education and entertainment! I educate on the importance of healing unsuspected traumas, seeing our limiting beliefs and biases with honest lenses, finding one's purpose and a principled mission that goes beyond the self, and unleashing the hidden potential so that to leave our legacy for the generations unborn. I have been using a panoply of means that could vary from explicit ones such as mentorship, speaking, and writing, a skill that emerged naturally during my self-actualization process to implicit mediums like storytelling, how I daily show up in the world and model servant leadership! Writing is my very favorite and most preferred tool deployed for my mission. The topics I explore are in the nexus of stoic philosophy, psychology, neuroplasticity, epigenetics, and pretty much any topic involving human behavior. Common denominator? The quality of the subconscious program. You may have a look at some of my works published on my website; Set Yourself Free.

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  1. First–Congratulations on your new column!!! WaHOOOO!! 🙂 🙂 What a valuable and informative essay for empowering people who may find themselves trapped in a trauma bond, in an impossible situation with another human being who has no capacity or commitment to heal. Shedding limiting beliefs is very important as is uncoiling the traumas that can get lodged in the body and nervous system from persistent traumatic stress of being connected to a tortured soul human being. The wisdom of the entire body must be allowed to speak because if the person faced the parent, boss, or coach who exhibited repeated annihilating rage storms-this will require support to transcend, shift and heal the lingering traumas in the body and nervous system. Traumas are shocks to the body and nervous system. How important to do the deep healing work–body, heart-emotions, mind-beliefs-and soul-faith-consciousness. Thank you for your continued commitment to educate and inspire those who have endured this type of persistent challenge in their lives!! You are a treasure!!

    • Awww 🥰🥰🥰 I am nothing but your mirror my fantabulous soulsister! This world is beautiful because of gems 💎 like you! Thank you for existing! 🤗💙🤗

    • I’m with Laura on this…. such a valuable voice for so many out there trapped in a toxic relationship. Thank you (to both of you) for sharing your experiences and wisdom so that others can grow and heal!

      Welcome to BizCat, Myriam! You are going to add such rich value to this community!

  2. Congratulations again, my dear! There is so much to dissect in your message. As someone who has heard about the quiet abuse that goes on behind closed doors, it takes much courage for someone to extricate themselves from it. Many do, but others continue to need gentle reminding that they could live a better life. Your message surely resonates with many people. Thank you!💖

    • Thank you beautiful soul ! 🤗 Your continuous support means the world to me! I love who you are so much and I’m grateful you are part of my world ! 💙🧚‍♀️

      I truly hope it will resonate with as many people as possible! Btw, it is not only for folks who were abused by character-disturbed manipulators.

      Even parents who are conditioned themselves and diving in life with numerous psychological patterns are conditioning their kids as well and writing a distorted subconscious program!

  3. Thanks, Myriam.

    Richard Rosengarten, a good friend and classic curmudgeon, used to say, “If you hang long enough, you get used to hanging.”

    Part of my work is with the recovery community. We all have more in common with that subset of humanity than we realize. One of the characteristics of an addict is the s/he will continue the addictive behavior even though the pain of continuing outweighs the pleasure – drinking not to feel good, but to just not feel terrible.

    I see (and hear on the news on online), lots and people who seem to be unwilling to questions their own assumptions/biases/crapola even though those patterns do not bring them relief, merely cessation of discomfort. To fly from discomfort is to be stuck, a Groundhog Day of resentment.

    Here’s a link to a quick piece on the topic:

    Keep on fightin’ the good fight.

    • Million thanks for stopping by dear Carl and for adding so much value! Means a lot my friend! 🙏💙🙏

      Will make sure to have a look on the piece you’re recommending! Thanks again for the lovely attention!