What do you say after you have been away for so long? Where do you start to begin? Or do you start saying what you had to say in the middle and work your way back? I do not have answers to these questions as of now but I am hoping you do. If you do know the answers to my questions then I am essentially asking you to please drop me a line or two with your response.
I will say that it feels good to be back with you. Some time back I had written an article entitled Hello, Well It Looks Like I Am Back…..For Now, with an obviously incorrect feeling that I would never (never say never) need to write another article like that once more. Then it happened again… I went away (for various reasons) yet again. This time turned out to be for an even longer time than I could have planned even if I wanted to. However, when I wanted to end my “drought” there were no words to spring from my writing well.
As you can tell this was not a planned absence. Although it is not uncommon for people to disappear from view with only a handful people knowing what is happening. That is how it was with me. Yes, health played a starring role in this play but that still was not the main reason I went away. With life, there are complications that throw off your track before your train arrives at the station. My trains stopped leaving the station even though there was no red signal that I had to come to a halt for.
Misery accompanied me wherever I went during the course of my silent time. When something that is at the core of your very being is taken away how do you expect to feel? In this situation, there was only one medium to express my feelings in but time was always in short supply on that day. At every point in time until tonight when this article “popped” into my head I thought what I once had was gone forever. Only death is forever.
During my time in exile, the world was ablaze with TRUMP, TRUMP, and TRUMP! I sat in front of my computer watching the inauguration with welts of tears in my eyes from the pride I felt to be an American with only good things to come. I still believe that to this very day. Alas, the exuberant feeling was short lived as I slipped back into despair borne out of the disappearance of what was so dear to me.
Minutes fell into hours that all too soon became seemingly unending days without words. The feeling of hopelessness enveloped me as my keyboard that my fingers used to dance over to create the magic of words that came to life in front of my eyes now lay still and silent. I could not help hearing the lyrics from a song Paul Simon penned entitled “Bookends.” “Preserve your memories they are all that’s left you.”
The rust from not writing for such an extended period of time spread like mold on bread. Adding to my emotional state was the equally sudden distancing I felt from my prior work. I would read a piece that I had written shaking my head in disbelief that I had authored that article. There was this yearning to be able to do what I used to do with such ease. Or perhaps I should resign myself that this is part of the plan that G-d has for me and I had to follow wherever this path led.
I would lay awake in bed each night wondering if this is what G-d is doing perhaps to punish me for an earlier sin. Why would he take writing away from me as my punishment? When you want to teach your child right from wrong you punish them by connecting their wrong with a direct consequence of their action. They soon learn to link consequences to their actions. So the question that only G-d can answer if he should so choose is what did I do? Where did I go wrong and how did I let it go wrong?
In my battle for words that I am in the midst of I realize that the question I posed in the title of this article remains unanswered. We are taught at an early age that every question has an answer to it but sometimes the answer is never found. In my case, it may very well be that the reason I have no answer for my own question is that I simply am not asking for what I am looking for in the right words. So again I ask what do you say when you have been away? Or perhaps more correctly I should ask what words do you say when you have been away for a while only now returning.
Maybe I can try to come up with the answer that I am begging to find on my own by trying to transport myself back to the times when words just flowed like water from a fountain. You have heard the old saying that you have to learn to crawl before you can learn to walk. Picture this a soon to be 61-year-old man crawling (not physically) much like a spider trying to find that ideal spot to attach his web to. My ideal spot to create is where I am sitting. The ideal condition that I find works best for when I am trying to write is a dark room with only the light from the monitor for purposes of illumination.
As I begin the process of concluding my first article in what seems like centuries ago I would like to first thank my readers who reached out to me so enthusiastically whenever an old article was published. It was always for you that I wrote. This is my way of inviting new people like you into my life via writing. You have inspired me in so many ways. I hope in some way (positive I would hope) I have made a difference in your day.
After thinking things over carefully my answer to the posed question of what to say after you have been away is simply say hello again my friends. May your journey through life lead you to many magical and mystical places with a smile on your face, prayers in your heart and of course let you always have a song that is only yours to sing.