It’s amazing, really, how fast the emotions move through when you just give them space.
It’s been a rather complicated few months. Yes, my “Month of Miracles” adventure to Europe was incredible. And the 11-11-11 launch of my new book, The Miracle Keys, was a lot of fun. But woven just beneath the surface of those happy life events, my husband and I are going through one of our roughest times ever.
Friends with cancer, a child in distress, and parents losing their minds.
I don’t want that to sound trite, but the last is one of the scariest things I have ever imagined—living out my final days in a facility where old (and some not that old) people are wandering the halls without a clue where they are…or (worse) sitting staring at the TV or the walls, looking at (from all outward appearances) not much.
Moving my husband’s parents to a memory care facility was the last thing they wanted, and we tried for months to avoid it, but it finally became the thing we had to do. It hasn’t been easy. One of them needs it more than the other. Both have resisted it mightily.
Watching bodies fail can be a difficult thing, but feeling the loss of a mind while a loved one’s personality falls apart is heartbreaking. I never imagined it could be this hard.
My husband tells me his heart is being ripped out, and I can see it in his eyes. I can feel it too. It’s different when it’s your own parents changing before your eyes, but I’ve known his parents for over half my life now, and it’s breaking my heart, too.
There’s a good side to letting our hearts break, especially when we open to the hurt rather than hiding from it. I’ve felt my heart grow a few sizes through this whole experience.
As with everything, there’s a beautiful side to losing minds, too. We’ve had some precious moments of laughter and wonder, and I’m capturing every one of those in my heart to remember when the loss grows even more difficult, as I know it will. Watching the way minds start to let go can actually be quite fascinating, and when we stay in a place of cherishing the simple moments rather than longing for the past, there is still much joy in the journey. (Please, let me finally learn this one in all other areas of my life, too!)
I had a BIG AHA as we were moving my in-laws for the third time in a month (on the eve of the New Year). I realized the HUGE GIFT and extreme usefulness of these precious beings that are failing in mind, body or both. Not only are they teaching patience and compassion, they are helping us learn to let go in many rather important ways. Every time I visit the memory care center, my heart is deeply touched by watching the patients and the caregivers who are devotedly attending them.
I started wondering what might happen if we treated ALL endings in life with equal respect.
What might this coming year look like if we could all slow down enough to treat every situation, welcome or not, with complete gratitude?
How might our world change if we would care for one another every day with the patience & compassion that is often reserved for the hard times?
Who would we make time for, and how would our lives change, if we knew someone we love might be leaving…or if we knew the only lasting memory was the one that is this very moment?
Just asking these questions brings me to a place of curiosity and compassion, and the whole situation feels lighter and less devastating to my nerves. I think I’ll let Curiosity and Compassion guide this year.
Wherever you happen to be with your personal New Year transitioning, I invite you to consider these questions and see what comes.
Curiosity and compassion sound incredible for you, Sora! Thank you for this honest and balanced perspective you have extended to us. Much appreciated.
Maureen, I love to embrace those traits every year .. but that one was more important than ever. So glad to be through that phase and into a new time of Treasuring simple moments.
Your beautiful, poignant essay resonates completely with my heart, Sora. Thank you for sharing what’s happening for your in-laws-. How important to remain open-hearted and compassionate as you grieve and celebrate the sweet moments and grieve, again. The practice of loving acceptance of all that life brings us can be quite liberating as we let go of what was and stay grounded in this moment right now (because that is all we ever really have.)
I appreciate the reminder that grieflove keeps expanding the heart-or that’s what it does for me. As I continue to notice how precious in person time is with another human being-that nothing replaces this-nothing, I center in that value. I observe that I put away what might distract me. The widening inner contentment I feel in the midst of much change becomes priceless. I know what I really care about-how I want to live my life-moment by precious moment.
I recently learned that my significant other’s son, who lives in Rochester, NY (we are in NC) was in a car accident. He is ok. Miraculously, he walked away with only bruises. It happened on the freeway with a semi-truck.
We are not promised tomorrow. Best to make as much peace in our own grieving souls so we can feel the love, the wonder, the awe of being alive and in connection with those we love. I have chosen to keep my heart open as a practice, as a contribution, as an offering.
Thank you so much. I absolutely loved this essay, your beautiful way of expressing yourself with tender care. Exquisite.
I will keep you and your husband’s parents in my thoughts and prayers. We are all in this together.
Thank you for reading Laura. This is actually an older writing piece that I pulled from my archives to share because I know so many who are going through similar situations. (I should have inserted something to that effect at the beginning, but I had just given Dennis a link to the blog post).
So, gratefully, we are through that painful passage and THIS year is on a different track, but I want to remember these lessons “every” year. Stay present for those we love. Celebrate the people we love every day. Be grateful for all we have been given.
This year, I am preparing to release my new book, which is about clearing all those distractions so we can pay attention to what DOES truly matter. This is one of the lessons I’ve received over these past years, and it has had lasting impact in my life.
Thank you for sharing your heart Sora. Showing gratitudel even in the midst of trials. I believe trials show our true measure….. the valleys are where we grow, so much more than the mountaintops.
Caring with the kind of compassion reserved for the hard times…..how much better a husband, father, brother and friend I would be! And realizing the frailty of life, treasuring the time we have – not taking it for granted. What worthwhile challenges for the new year ahead. May we aspire to them all. Blessings and prayers for you and your family Sora.
Thank you Mike! The worst is over for my husband & his parents, as they are both in the afterlife now. It was such a stressful time, but reading this article from the past made me even more grateful we were able to be there. And it adds such perspective to this year’s transition, which is more about just sometimes being too busy. I always like to greet the New Year with deep breaths of appreciation before I jump too fast into the current of ‘new’. Happy 2020 to you!