As the Assistant Supply Officer, I made it a point to know all I could about the Marine officers working for me. So, when Lieutenant Smith (not his real name) and I were taking one day, he felt comfortable sharing some big news with me.
“Captain, I haven’t told you the news yet. My wife and I have decided to start our family so we are working on having a baby!” I paused to gather my thoughts and then posed a question, “Well, Lieutenant, if I can ask an important question – Who is going to quit their job?” He gave me a funny look and replied with his own question, “What do you mean?” “Well, Lieutenant,” I began, “you are assigned to this combat ready aviation unit. Like all Marines in combat roles, we are required to be ready to deploy with only twenty-four hours of notice. Therefore, with the tensions we are seeing in the world today, you could be called upon to deploy at any time. Your wife is a flight attendant and travels all over the United States. Both these jobs will make raising a child very difficult. So, which one of you is planning on quitting their job so that your child will have the security of having a parent with them during those very early years of life?” The Lieutenant responded, “Neither of us is quitting our jobs.” “So, who is going to raise the baby?” I naturally inquired. “We will put it in daycare.”
I tried to hold in my shock, “Let me get this straight. Your wife and you are perfectly happy with your first child learning their values and what it means to be loved and kept secure during the formative years of their life from the daycare worker who happens to be there for that day? Let me ask another question. Why are you planning on having a child at this point in your life?”
Before I tell you the rest of the story, let me make some important points about approaching life-changing decisions in your life.
Having children is life changing – quitting your current job to take a promotion with another organization is life changing – starting your own business is life changing – retiring from the daily routine of working a regular job is life changing.
Therefore, as you approach all of these types of decisions which will impact your life for a long time, take time to consider these points:
Ask yourself, who am I today? I always kept my resume up-to-date and readily available to read. When I was having a bad day, I would re-read it to remind myself of the value I bring to any organization. But re-reading your resume will remind you of your journey in life and how you came to this exact moment when you have to consider the question I posed. Before you change directions, you really have to know from where you are starting.
Ask yourself, why am I considering this change? Heading in a new direction whether it be in your career, family life, spiritual journey, or health matter will be a stressful experience if you have not taken the time to reflect upon the reason you feel this change is necessary. I know that when I was considering retiring from my twenty-year career in the Marine Corps, I spent many hours considering why I was willing to step completely away from a very successful career that I could enjoy for at least another ten years and step into the civilian world where I would be starting all over again. This time of reflection made the final decision to retire easy to accept and allowed me to move forward in my new direction with purpose because I never had to ask myself “Why did I do this?” later on in my journey – I already had that question answered.
Ask yourself, what are the pros and cons of this decision? I know this is an exercise we have all heard about. Sit down and write the pros on one side of a piece of paper and the cons on the other side of the paper. But how many of you actually do this? I can speak from experience. The times in which I actually used this simple tool helped me make a better decision and probably saved me a lot of stress after the final decision was made. This exercise is so important – do not overlook this simple tool.
Ask yourself, what is the financial impact to me and my family (if that applies)? A little over a year ago, I retired completely from the 9 to 5 job market. But long before I reached the point of submitting my retirement letter to my boss, I had sat down with my wife to discuss the things we needed to do to enable me to retire at the age of 62. We saved and paid off our house mortgage. All credit card debt was paid in full. By the time I was ready to make my final decision about early retirement, the only bills we had were the normal monthly utility bills and I had reduced those as much as possible. So, when I began to formulate my estimated retirement budget, I knew we would be able to live comfortably and enjoy some of the travel plans we had discussed without any problems.
Finally, ask yourself, what is my decision? You have all the information you need to make an informed decision if you take the time to consider the above questions. So, make the decision and do not look back. Success can only be achieved by moving forward.
Now, let me pick up my story from where I left off. “…Why are you planning on having a child at this point in your life?” The Lieutenant laughed and then replied, “I know you are old, Sir, and maybe you forget. That’s what married people do.”
“Son,” I started because I am going to talk to him like he was one of my children, “Having a child will change you forever because you will now have a new name. You will be ‘Dad.’ As a dad, you will experience the wonder of holding your child for the very first time, you will stand over their crib as they sleep and wonder what the future holds in store for them, you will know the joy of seeing your child squeal with delight at the perfect birthday present, you will try to hide your tears as their very first love becomes their very first heartbreak, and someday, you will either walk your daughter down the aisle and give her to another man you hope and pray is deserving of your little girl or you will have to comfort your wife as she sees her little boy looking at another woman with the love he used to show when he looked at her. In other words, being a dad is a lifelong commitment and you will never stop being a dad until the day you die. So, unless you are willing to make that kind of commitment at this point in your life, please, wait. You will know when the time is right and you can make the sacrifices necessary to be the very best dad you can be. But don’t bring a child into this world unless you are ready to really be a dad.”
In the life of every leader, you will be faced with a life-changing decision that will lead you in a new and exciting direction. Don’t fear the decision – embrace the opportunity – use these questions to help you formulate your plan of action. Then, face your new adventure with confidence because you used exemplary leadership to guide your path.
Your article reminds me of the similarities between good parenting and good leadership. Unfortunately, everyone is not endowed with these skills. The opportunity for success comes from recognizing your own abilities and playing to your strengths. I’m glad you were bold enough to raise these issues with your young charge. Great leaders like you, Len, change the world one decision at a time.
Christine – You, like Bharat, have humbled me with your kind words. As I was writing this piece, I was thinking about the changes you were making in your life and how these challenges can be undaunting but managed with specific leadership steps. So, your journey inspired me to help others with this article. Thank you for your inspiration, my Friend.
True Leadership is ingrained with Universal well-being, and nobody displays it as well as you, my Very Dear Friend, Len Sir! Everytime I read your highly introspective articles, I see Wisdom oozing out in waves.
A Million Thanks, with Warm Regards!
Bharat – And you, my Dear Friend, always humble me with your kind words and your wonderful grasp of outstanding writing skills 🙂 Thank you so much.