I was taken aside the other day and reprimanded. For overstepping the mark and breaching protocols. I didn’t know I had overstepped the mark nor breached protocols.
I thought I was simply helping because that’s what I always try to do, just be of help. But, it turned out that in the others person’s view, I was doing quite the opposite. And I was told so.
It felt awful, my stomach plummeted as the realisation of why I had been taken aside became clear. Of course, I apologised, because of course, I must have been in the wrong, because when someone in a place of authority and more experienced than you says you are, surely it must be true.
And when I was asked afterward by a caring soul if I was ok, of course, I said I was and continued to apologise again and again. Because to show the real depth of my despair and fear of the reprimand would reveal just how utterly fragile and vulnerable I really am. And that might mean I am judged as overly sensitive, unstable, or even worse, not really fit for purpose.
And even in today’s world where we all say that it’s ok not to be ok, that is terrifying.
Because sharing the reality of how we really feel about something is rarely done and it’s rarely done because we all think that we are the only ones who are so wounded, so broken and so scared. So, we continue to hide our truth lest we be outcasts in the wilderness. But we are never the only ones, it’s just that we are all silent with our real truths and therefore we think we are.
Sharing our vulnerability and truth, is perhaps one of the hardest things any of us can do, because we believe that it will harm us and therefore it takes an awful lot of courage.
But perversely it is the silence, the isolation, and the hiding of the truth that really harms us.
By not sharing how we feel, we are unable to process the trauma of the event, nor reach out to others for support, so the trauma becomes buried in our minds, much larger than it deserves to be carrying with it all of the insecurities it has triggered and then becoming even larger, as it is infected by all of those other traumas already buried, because we are too ashamed to share our truth.
So, this post is really a note of love and support to all of those people who sit in silence with their vulnerabilities and deeply hidden traumas, because they fear the judgement and prejudice of others – you are not alone and you are not the only ones, it’s ok to feel hurt, wounded, confused, sad, scared and perhaps angry too. But please do not bury your traumas with all of that angst, allow them to see the light of day, give them a voice, share them, take what you need to learn from them, and then just let them go.
Because we are not the outcasts, just the unheard majority.
With love
Nik x
