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Watch That Merge –The Problem of Disconnection

It happens every day now on my daily commute.  I don’t really remember this happening in the past, but now it is every day.   It happens when I am driving on a two-lane road that merges down into one lane.  For example, I must get on the freeway where two lanes become one as you enter the fast lanes.  The road is clearly marked with a merge sign.  I know this is going to happen, so I get into the continuing lane and head forward.

What surprises me is not that a car is going to merge into my lane.  I am good with that.  If you have read my book, you know I believe in letting people in.  I just let people in.  However, what stands out for me is that people are not merging anymore.  In the past, being in the merge lane meant you would turn on your blinker and look for a place in between two cars driving in the continuing lane.  Then, when the time and pace was right, you would slide between two cars and into the lane.

This is not at all what happens now.  What I experience now is people just keep driving in the merging lane.  They do not turn on their blinker.  They do not slow down to gently merge over.  Most of the time, it does not even appear that they are even looking.  They just drive forward, seemingly oblivious to the ending lane or the need to merge.  It seems apparent that they expect to be accommodated and allowed to come over.  They just drive as if their lane is not ending.  Some drivers even make it seem like you are the one supposed to merge.

I know this bothers more drivers than just me.  I have seen the ones who speed up, honk the horn, cut them off.  I have seen the jockeying-for-position drivers who race each other and curse at each other.  I have even seen that dreaded middle-finger gesture.  Interestingly, it is more often the driver who was supposed to merge who is making those angry gestures.  Wow!  Merging used to be so easy.  What happened?

I think the real answer is related to what is happening in the larger world.  We do not merge well on the street because we do not merge well anymore in life.  We have never lived in a more disconnected and disengaged world than we do now.  We are now looking into our phones more than looking into the eyes of the people around us.  We talk more with characters, emoji’s, and memes more than we do with our mouths.  We are the most disconnected generation that has ever walked this earth.  I predict the word of the year for 2017 will be “Phubbing.”  We are snubbing those we love for our phones and more!

While my concern with merging cars may not be the biggest problem in the world (I know!  First world problem!), this concern with merging into each other’s lives is no small thing.  If we do not figure this out, we will have more problems in life.

My readers have heard me say this before, but we humans need connection.  We are hard-wired for it.  We need people.  We need each other.  We need relationships.  I have been counseling and coaching people for over 20 years and I have yet to meet anyone that did not need people.  Even if they told me they did not want people, there they were with a person (me!) seeking people!  We need each other!  We need to need each other!

Merging into the lives of other people can be much more difficult than merging into that lane (or at least it should be!).  It requires skills and actions like patience, listening, sincerity, commitment, honesty, integrity, and time.  Merging our lives with others requires us to give an offering of the only thing we have that really matters—ourselves.  That can take sacrifice, denying ourselves of some liberties, and serious dedication.  It seems too many of us are not willing to do this anymore.

We live in a world of fast food, instant oatmeal, and the expectation of quick results.  We can get information instantaneously by asking Siri or Google or performing an internet search.  If the answer does not come in seconds, we are irritated and frustrated.  We communicate our most important feelings and messages in 140 characters or less, by inspirational or informative GIF’s, or hastily shared memes.  We have got the world at our fingertips and we expect it to be quick and easy.

Well, you just cannot merge into real people’s lives at that speed.  Real relationships and people require us to slow down, look around, and plan to enter at a caring and reasonable pace.  We cannot just thoughtlessly and carelessly barrel over.  We must look up, look around, pay attention, and care enough to engage.  There is no quick and easy way to merge lives and loves.

Ironically, any day on Facebook and Instagram shows a people looking for meaning, purpose, and connection.  You cannot even be on social media one day without seeing people feeling alone, empty, and unsure.  Many are racing to keep up, catch up, and measure up to some standard set by fleeting fake celebrities who hardly have the answers.  It can be all exhausting and frustrating.  But, we keep going back to mindless merging without thinking about what will really connect us.

I don’t have the time or their space to answer all the questions in this post.  I am not even sure I have all the answers.  I don’t even have enough time to present the answers I do have.  Yet, for today, I ask you to watch that merge!  Please take a moment to watch yourself and how you connect (or do not connect with others).   Ask yourself honestly: Am I staring into my phone more than in faces?  Am I connecting with Facebook more than family?  Am I turning to Google more than God?  Am I turning to Twitter more than my teens?  Am I Snap-chatting more than socializing?  You get the point.

Please watch that merge!  Take the time to see who is there and really move in.  If you answered yes to any of the above, make a small change today.  Give someone more of you, your eyes, your words, your touch, and your time.  It will do a world of good for you and for them.  Please watch that merge.

Jim R. Jacobs
Jim R. Jacobshttp://www.drivinglessonsforlife.com/
Jim R Jacobs is a brave creator who strives to do mighty things! Jim is a Certified Daring Way Facilitator helping others to live more brave and authentic lives! He is the author of Driving Lessons For Life: Thoughts on Navigating Your Road to Personal Growth. Jim speaks professionally, and coaches others to success and living with integrity. He is a counselor, educator, innovator, father, and friend. Please check out Jim R. Jacobs and Driving Lessons For Life and find Jim on social media! Let's connect and dare mighty things!

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4 CONVERSATIONS

  1. Oh, Jim — I thought I was the only one! My thoughts immediately go to “what part of that sign didn’t you believe?” But what’s interesting is that there’s apparently another dynamic in play with that merging thing, especially on a highway where there are thousands of cars: If drivers stay in their lane that will have to merge a mile or more down the road longer, traffic moves along more quickly, because more drivers are spread out in two or three lanes, not just that one they all have to merge into.

    And it makes a sort of sense when seen like that, but … I still get cranky, especially in local situations where others don’t seem to see or believe we really do have to merge. Of course, if it’s a three- or four-lane highway and I see the sign, I do my best to get in the opposite side lane that won’t be as affected by the other two …

    In your larger context, we surely DO need connections! I can’t believe how many others walk in my gorgeous seaside village every day, looking at their phones. There is gorgeous scenery here — we’re right on Buttermilk Bay, the top part of Buzzards Bay, Massachusetts — what’s not to love? Walking with friends, enjoying being outside — no phones, please!

    Now I’m off to read parts 2 and 3 (and I just saw 3 a little earlier, but hadn’t seen 1 and 2).

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