The Chairman had called me into his office. “Did you see that lady sitting in the waiting room when you came to my office?” he began as I acknowledged with a nod. “She has a problem with a water bill. The County Manager was supposed to call her and he didn’t. I have a meeting to attend and cannot take the time to talk to her now. So, get her out of the waiting room so I can get to my meeting and find out what we need to do about her problem.”
I walked out of his office and into the waiting room. I introduced myself to the lady and told her that I was going to take care of her problem if she would just follow me to my office. I provided her a comfortable seat and had my assistant join us in my office with a pen and a pad of paper. I moved my chair from behind my desk so that I was now sitting in front of the lady. Then I spoke. “Ms. Smith (not her real name), I have asked my assistant to join us so she can take detailed notes about your complaint. This will allow me to focus my attention on what you have to say. So, please, tell me what is causing you to be upset with our water department.”
She told me that her family had bought a new house and was trying to sell their former home. The house was empty and all utilities had been turned off. After six months, she suddenly received a water bill of over $400. She had been to the house and the water was still shut off and there were no signs of a water leak anywhere. She had spoken to the director of the water department and the next day, he told her she obviously turned the water back on herself, used the water, and then turned it back off and that she owed the bill and had to pay the bill. She assured me that she did not even know how to turn the water back on and that no one from her family had used water at the house. Her tone while speaking reflected anger, frustration, and hurt because of the allegation made against her. After completing her tale, she fell silent but her eyes said everything – she wanted someone to believe her.
“Why, if I were you, I would be mad, too,” I said.
“That’s all I wanted to hear,” she said as she reached into her purse. “Who do I make the check out to so I can pay this bill.”
“No, Ma’am. Let me look into this and I will call you later today with an answer. Please give my assistant your full name, address, and phone number while I go make of copy of this bill so I can talk to the water department director.”
Listening seems to have become a forgotten tool for leaders. But I have found from my time working in local government and in retail, that when dealing with an angry person, just listening to what they have to say can begin the process of bringing calm to an otherwise difficult situation. So, when confronted by an angry customer, coworker or team member, remember these important truths.
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Everyone wants to be heard. So, let them speak. Don’t interrupt (Unless they begin using foul language. Then you are justified in asking them nicely to refrain from the use of such language.)
Give them all your attention. Focus your complete attention on them as they talk. You can review their comments slowly and take notes later or have someone take notes for you like I did in the example. But, give them the courtesy of just listening to what they have to say at first.
Let your face convey empathy. As the person talks, they will be watching you for non-verbal clues. So, learn to control your expressions. If they begin to believe that you are not interested in what they have to say, are not believing what they have to say, or do not care about what they have to say, you will only increase the anger and the tension the person is experiencing and you have now lost any chance of gaining their trust – and that is what you are trying to do when you listen.
Finally, convey understanding. My confirmation in the above story that I too would have been angry allowed Ms. Smith to feel she had been validated. She immediately became more at ease and was willing to pay a bill she did not owe. Anger and frustration are normal reactions to a perceived wrong and your acknowledgement of this will allow the person to begin trusting that you will come up with a solution that will satisfy everyone involved.[/message] [su_spacer]
So, now for the rest of the story. After she left, I called the director of the water department and explained to him that I had been asked by the Chairman to look into Ms. Smith’s complaint. He knew about whom I was calling and began to rant and rave about her being a liar. He said that she was still using water at the house and that he would personally see to it she paid the bill. I asked him if he had sent anyone read the meter manually since the meter had been read electronically. He told me he had and that was how he knew she was using water. I told him I would get back to him. I left immediately for the address on the bill.
Minutes after arriving, I called the director of the water department, “I need you to meet me at Ms. Smith’s house and bring a garden spade with you. I just opened the meter box and the meter is buried in the dirt and cannot be seen. So, I know that your people never read the meter manually.” The tone of my voice let him know he needed to move quickly to join me.
After digging the meter out, we were looking at it and it was not moving. Then a car went by while we were standing there and suddenly the meter spun. I looked at the director and asked him if he had seen that. His face told me he had. Further examination determined that the water line under the road had been damaged and when the water department repair crew had replaced the pipe and patched the road, they had not properly packed the dirt back around the new pipe so when a vehicle drove over the patch in the road, it caused the pipe to vibrate. The vibration had caused the meter to fail and now was spinning every time a vehicle drove over the repair. The director apologized for his earlier remarks and told me to give him the bill and he would credit it so that Ms. Smith would not have to pay anything.
I called Ms. Smith when I returned to my office and explained what we had discovered and let her know that the bill would be credited and she would not be required to pay the bill. As you can guess, she was extremely happy.
If you want to be an exemplary leader, develop your ability to just sit quietly and listen. You will be amazed at how quickly you defuse anger and get at the root of a problem just by using your two ears as intended.
If a person expresses himself with anger it is because he/she is suffering deeply: suffering fills him/her with bitterness, so him/she is always ready to complain and blame others for him/her problems. For this reason we find it very unpleasant to listen to and do everything to avoid it.
To understand and transform anger we must learn the practice of compassionate listening and learn to express ourselves in loving words.
Aldo – Great way to summarize the intent of this article. Thank you for joining this conversation.
Diffusing anger starts with saying “I understand you’re angry” and state “please tell me more”. People first must vent first before you explore the the cause of their anger. Because many don’t allow the venting, or worst make condescending statements during that phase creates range.
Chris – You are so right – you have to allow the angry person the be heard so that they feel validated. Once you have built their trust by listening, you can begin the process of working toward a solution together. Thanks.