This is Not the ’80s RAD

When you say special needs, you think of visual disabilities. I do not like to look at disabilities that way. I see them as able abilities where life adapts to finding your greatest gift to the world where you are strong, capable, driven, and possess an intelligence geared to your able-abilities.

Initially, I thought that this would be an article about a day in the life of a family who is raising a child with some special circumstances and what that would look like. After writing and giving it some thought, I realized that I needed to provide some education. You may ask what are the special circumstances? With Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD for short), trust is at the core of this diagnosis. It is a condition in which children who have been subjected to emotional abuse, neglect, and trauma are unable to form secure attachments and bonds with parents, caregivers, or authority figures. Children with RAD have trouble managing their emotions.

One of the most difficult challenges for a mother of a child who has behavioral challenges is finding a way to communicate with connection, understanding, and empowerment through trust. What is evident as a child with RAD matures is the following statement,  “ When a person lacks a foundation of trust and attachment, they may not be able to trust themselves.,” [i]

What it looks like from the outside in, on a daily, weekly, monthly or yearly basis is  this,

• Being loved and cared for is uncomfortable so they push you away to avoid.
• Their mindset is stuck believing that no one will stay, and all will leave eventually.
• This mindsight goes about creating separation between them and their caregivers because it is much safer for them to handle.
• Impulsivity becomes a reaction to the internal self-mistrust.
• On the other end of the spectrum, children with RAD, have an inept way of feeling untethered by their surroundings and engage in impulsive behaviors.[1]
  • For example in my daughter’s case, we experienced, running away, stealing, yelling/screaming, vandalism, driving a car, taking things that aren’t theirs and hoarding food.
• Lack of emotional regulation[2]
• Low self-esteem, developmental delays[3]
• Some of the clinical implications state that children will struggle with peer/social relationships.[4]

These are a few of the many things I have experienced over the last 7-plus years.  It is tedious and often gut-wrenching and scary. You adapt, cry, feel guilt, exhausted, frustrated, challenged, discovering learning at every turn.

I can say the greatest challenge has been to not take all of this personally. That was a hard ask for me to facilitate initially. How do you remove yourself from the window, that outside looking-in feeling? The key to getting through seems almost counterintuitive. It is as simple as just letting go, don’t react, much rather respond in a way that they do not expect. Be a mirror of love, empowerment, forgiveness, hope, patience, and assertiveness.

If trauma has been experienced, it adds an additional layer of difficulty. I have had moments where living in survival mode – fight or flight is the norm. It is a mental space where their triggers are present for them every day. Power struggles on all levels mean you as a parent become irrelevant very quickly, especially if there is a trigger. Even though there may be developmental delays, RAD children have their own kind of smarts. They know just the right way to press your buttons and it isn’t pretty. Keeping your composure when you are told that you are no longer needed or wanted  OR a statement that shows a lack of empathy like, “What are you crying for?”  This is where true courage, bravery, and guts to walk with grace to a quiet place with peace in your heart show up.  It takes soulful practice to put your feelings on the shelf and love in a way that builds trust, boundaries, and hope.

What has not been mentioned in this writing is that we deal with dual diagnosis besides RAD to say we astutely navigate is an understatement. RAD at times when coupled with other complex diagnoses like ADHD, ADD, PTSD, and GAD can magnify daily life to a 10X environment very quickly.  For that purpose safety plans and known reliable support systems are needed and strongly suggested. Educating myself about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) has been a journey all on its own.

Recently I have come to understand that Avoidant behavior shows up when you attempt to work at a way to de-escalate the situation or there is a need for them to be accountable for their choices OR the conversation is uncomfortable. Ironically, they want your undivided attention and when you show up,  it is rejected, again because it feels unself, it might create an attachment.

Every day is different, every day is new. I have leaned into giving space and time for the both of us when the warning bells go off that we have something coming up on the horizon. I am not perfect at it by any means because as I discovered over the weekend,  I am letting my ego get in the way.

For me to be relevant to my daughter, I have to show up in my communication and body language that shows courage, understanding, love and compassion; most of all patience. I don’t always get it right, however, when I do there is a beautiful synchronicity. Consistency is the key – checking in with myself to be sure I am not in an ego mode. When communication breaks down, and it will and does, step away. When anger shows up because of the realization that my daughter made a mistake, take a break.

We take a break to let time work within the both of us and to cool things down because RAD kids can go from happy to angry in a hot 60 seconds because they chose to and because they are dysregulated because of a trigger – the things they don’t want to share.

My truth is that I am concerned for my daughter’s well-being. Her capability and capacity to manage the world and those around her. Since my cancer diagnosis changed the family dynamic, I moved my focus and took a hard reality check. Time is precious and short, not to mention what will I need for her if I am no longer here. Daily preparation for life without me is my focus, obviously, she does not notice that because it is Mom giving her chores – Aughhh. There are days that I want to wrap her up in bubble wrap to protect her from the terrible ills out there.

I console my soul knowing that  I am not helping when I choose this mode of transportation in my relationship with my daughter. The best that I can do is give her space, choices, and consequences so she can decide how I can be relevant to her.  Such times create celebration and understanding. It is not in the how we do, but that we act, action based on what works for the individual, an expression of self.

We limit our children if we do not let them express themselves in their own way. We may disagree with their style of expression because it isn’t in our realm, our way. They are not us and we are not them. As a person, they have their own identity and way of being, we can and should with love give guidance on valuable soul-affirming principles they can govern themselves by. The rest, the action is up to them.

Up to them to figure it out, up to them to choose and live through the consequences both imposed and natural themselves. That difficult place parents face of letting their children make their own life-learning mistakes. We had our own to shape our lives and they have theirs. They own that we do not need to control, just be there to console and love even more.

New understanding and techniques show up as I intuitively navigate life. In preparation for drafting this article, the universe sent me a new methodology that is about room, time, and KISS.

1. Give time for things to settle down. 5-10 minutes.
2. When you go back to check in keep your word. If you say you only need 1-3 mins of conversation time, keep it.
3. KISS – KEEP IT SIMPLE SUCCESS – make the conversation simple. Redirecting when needed. Disengage if it becomes disruptive as far as attention is concerned. That is a trigger for I am getting uncomfortable because you are talking about me, not to me.
   1. Outline your conversation steps. For example – I have three questions – the first is to check in to see if you are ready to talk. The next two are to help get to the bottom of the situation.
      1. Are you ready to talk?
   2. And for the last two I will ask if you are ready.
      1. What could you have done differently?
         1. Let them express themselves without interruption or correction.
         2. Listen to understand.
         3. Role play is a great way to teach.
      2. Respond with Praise: Thank you for letting me know what you see you could have done differently – you did a great job and I appreciate it.

• How can I help you now to put what you shared into action?

4. ROOM – If time is needed to think and create a strategy for action then that is what I did. I gave them room to figure out the next steps and where I could be found when my relevance to their situation was needed.

I have come to know that by getting to a state of acceptance that this is part of the RAD/ADHD territory, the circumstances that chose me to step up and step in for another who could not. I have found freedom in greater expressions of love and capacity for my daughter. Having intuition to guide me,  life with my daughter has been an opportunity for me to discover greater gifts within myself.

• [1] https://www.choosingtherapy.com/reactive-attachment-disorder-in-adults/
• [2]https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3654285 4.1.1
• [3]https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3654285 4.1.1
• [4]https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3654285 4.1.1