Introduction: This is yet another article I pulled from my personal archives from the collection of articles, poems, stories, etc. from my high school and college writing days. Hence some of the content may seem hopelessly outdated but if you look at each item contained herein from a historical point of view which is to say consider the times this article was written in and take it from there.
Introduction #2 – From the very moment we come into this world (aka being born) we are told and taught to look on the bright side of things. As you go through life on a day to day basis you quickly find out things go wrong even when the thing that went wrong was the so-called bright side. So here you have my view if you will of how things look through the eyes of a pessimistic optimist.
A pessimistic optimist is somebody who believes that everything will go right as long as it doesn’t go wrong.
Something that is new and improved is almost invariably worse than the original. If the original was ever that good there would be no need for the new and improved version which is basically the same of the old version with a new label and higher price tag to make you think you got something better.
There is no way to get there from here the saying goes. The reason there is no way to get there from here is that nobody knows the directions or this is a place nobody goes to because if they got there they would know why there is no way to get there from here.
It will only cost you a “couple” of bucks each month. No dice! Nothing ever costs just a couple of bucks per month as if it did more people would buy it or use it. A couple of bucks usually translate into a couple hundred bucks per month.
Beware of products like formula 409 as you have to wonder what happened to the other 408 formulas. What aren’t they telling us about what happened to its predecessors? Think about it for a second there were 408 formulas that were in use before #409. How bad one has to wonder what made those previous 408 as bad as they were that they need to make #409.
Isn’t this the cutest baby you ever saw question ever been asked of you? You probably said yes as this was the cutest baby you ever saw but so where the other babies you saw including your own baby that according to you was the cutest baby that anybody ever saw. They are all the cutest until they learn to use the word no knowing full well what the word means.
People don’t make mistakes but computers do.
These mechanical monsters have been making life miserable for humans whose job it is to prove is that people make the mistakes that make the computer make more mistakes that nobody can correct.
Just when things are going perfectly wrong as they are supposed to some jerk comes along and tired of make things right, which is just plain wrong. Isn’t it?
There is another train (or bus) right behind this one. Yes, there is another train or bus right behind the one you were desperately trying to join in the sardine can effect except for the fact the next train or bus that is right behind this one is usually a half hour behind creating yet another sardine can effect. If you buy into this line you deserved to be squished in tot eh point where your feet are on top of another persons’ foot whose other foot is now on top of yours.
The bargain of a lifetime is usually on sale someplace else for 50% less than the bargain of a lifetime price.
It’s the game of the month you can’t miss. Get your scalper priced tickets now for what will be the dud game of the year.
The Grand re-opening sale is going on right now! What is so grand about a store that closed and is now reopening with higher prices than they had before except they call this a grand re-opening sale? Has anybody wondered why they closed the place in the first place?
Die Hard Batteries or Super Energizer Batteries die out quicker than regular batteries but you pay more for inferior performance as that is right isn’t it?
“Hey buddy I could have gotten you a better deal if you went and bought from me.” Of course, he would have given you a better deal that would have been an even better deal for himself had you taken his better deal. I can promise you that.
Time flies when you are having fun which is also filed under the slogan of where did the time go?
Time was invented to fly by when you are having fun. Does time fly when you are at work or having the worst day of your life? That answers that question.
No holds barred means everything you are supposed to know but won’t be told to you or else there would be no holes barred.
Educational T.V. programs are the next best thing to sleeping pills. Watch them and let the slumber begin.
There is no such thing as 100% pure and natural. The only true natural products are those that are man-made with preservatives in it.
The only thing these days that does not cause cancer is sex but it can cause other problems. The best thing to do is avoid sex if at all possible.
The only certain thing in life is uncertainty. Knowing what to expect is bad for your health.
Be an optimist! Just remember it could be you doing the right thing at the wrong time.
When all else fails the right thing to do is the wrong thing as that is the only right thing to do.
Your train will arrive at its regularly scheduled time meaning it will be no more than 15 minutes late but will make all unscheduled stops that it normally makes anyway as that is how the schedule was scheduled not be scheduled that way.
Summary: Some of these items are offshoots from Murphy’ Law that I took and made my own versions of. I hope I have made you smile because if I haven’t made you smile it is because this article was not supposed to make you smile but make you shake your head in wonder as to what I just wrote. Enjoy!
Yes I did have fun writing this “article” even though writing this “article” was not fun because if it was fun why am not smiling or feeling like I had fun even though by not having fun I had fun.
Chris, I think you nailed it with this comment. Very clever!
Is the glass half-empty or half-full? Either way, there is usually enough water to drown you.