It is the first Monday of the month, and we are edging towards the second half of the year. Why is this significant? What would it matter? It may not matter at all, as everything is about what we give weight, focus, or value to.
Consider this?
You feel good about a person, situation, or thought – ask yourself why, What makes it so ‘good’? How about when you feel what we often call ‘bad or unpleasant’ emotions? I am going to guess you started the explanation with ‘ I feel …. or think…. because …’ The word and use of ‘Because’ is a justification statement used to link now to past lessons or what we have accepted as truth.
So, along the way, you have made a link between the new experience and something from the past.
Is there value in exploring what you give meaning to? Does it add to life’s complexity and potentially more stress than it is worth?
Based on my value system and how I currently see the world, exploring the driving forces behind what and why I think, feel, and choose has the potential to liberate me from fear and allow me to step into an easier way of life.
How I use this concept is when
- I feel an emotion (usually a ‘negative one’), or disconnect, or agitation, or similar.
- I hear myself judge something or someone.
- I hear and feel envy or a twinge of I want that too!
- I experience something ‘good’ and want more of it.
- Any other moments when I become curious as to what is really going on under the reaction.
When any or other of the above comes to my attention I stop and lean into the feeling, and the situation, explore
- Is there are patterns – similar elements between now and past experiences and reactions.
- What are the levels and types of feelings coming up? The iceberg effect. Layers and spiderwebs of emotions linked to past experiences being tripped or triggered now.
- What is the story or meaning I am giving to the current situation explaining the feelings and the interaction? This step is fascinating, and it is where the beliefs, rules, expectations and other people’s fears come to light.
- What is closer to the truth and reframing?
Let me paint a picture for you:
I am dating a guy, and he always is late or puts other people’s requests in front of mine. Yes, this is potentially a red flag. Yes, it really got under my skin, and yes, we have had several testy discussions about it. However, let me break it down as above to show how my reaction is my problem. His behaviour and response to my frustration are his.
Pattern—Yes, I am attracted to and tend to date (even my ex-husband) men with a similar behaviour pattern—others and themselves before me. I also see this in other dynamics—friends and work. My parents would often choose work, or themselves over looking after us kids.
Feelings – frustration, annoyance, and more!! I felt rejected, abandoned, not enough, not a priority, not good enough. Confusion, and definitely hurt.
Story—I am not a priority, never really have been, and why would I be one? I’m not important, I ask too much of others, and my needs are not important or as important as theirs. My expectation of being a priority makes me a princess (something I adore), and so I will quickly step away from asking or stating my needs.
Truth and reframe– My attachment style is heavily weighted, insecure, and disorganised. The guy I am seeing is avoidant and disorganised. My love language includes quality time, touch and communication. His are touch, gifts and independence.
Attachment styles and love languages greatly influence how we view relationships, how we interpret interactions, our expectations, rules, hopes, and needs, and how we feel connected to others.
In the case of the guy and me, our styles and needs are different, as are how we communicate our needs, what we prioritise in communication, etc. When I worked these out, the problem wasn’t with me or him, but a misunderstanding and mismatching of our styles.
Fast forward, and working to help me see through my fears, pains, hurts, expectations, rules, etc., seeing him and me in more loving, compassionate ways becomes so much easier. I can accept and love him for what he is and how he is, and I have also learnt how to see my needs, wants and feelings as acceptable, all things considered. With time, patience, practice and stepping back a bit, we have learnt we appreciate each other, but seeing the mismatch and working on the points of crossover and celebrating the differences, know it isn’t us that is wrong, but a situation that can be navigated through.
How could this be relevant to you?
Well, we understand ourselves – self awareness, we access a lot more information about ourselves, and we can see why we are being triggered or tripped by other’s choices. Seeing our stuff opens the way to seeing their stuff and the crossover between yourself and them.
Then, more informed choices can be made—do we stay, go, adapt, grow, surrender, subjugate, or have other options? While the options can seem overwhelming at first, navigating through them does open the way to increased clarity about what is important to you, why it is important, who you choose to be, how you interact with others, and so on.
You take back your power by seeing your programming and consciously choosing what you want to think, feel, choose, and act. You choose your character and your future direction and outcomes in life.
If you can relate to any of these points or are curious how you think, feel and interpret things that are triggering you this could be your most empowering first step towards creating your life with intention and clarity. Then, I invite you to secure a spot to work with me.
