Susan Rooks recently shared the glorious word ultracrepidarian with her LinkedIn followers.
One who gives opinions on something beyond their knowledge (a person passing judgment beyond their expertise.)
I am afraid that I brush the teeth on one of those a couple of times a day. Perhaps you do, too? It does make me a bit embarrassed to look at myself through that lens, so, naturally, I rationalize that we all have a responsibility to engage with the world around us and form opinions – hopefully well-founded opinions – on what happens in society. That is called citizenry. The world needs that we care. Ignorance of the law doesn’t release us from accountability.
And I tell myself that I actually do have a surprisingly broad range of diverse practical experiences (that is called the Dunning–Kruger effect: “a cognitive bias whereby people with low ability, expertise, or experience regarding a type of task or area of knowledge tend to overestimate their ability or knowledge”,) know how to use a search engine, and do try to use “” and attribution when I quote from those sources.
And I tell myself that being well read is not the same as having practical experience – but neither is having experience without a broader context to put it into ideal. Hey, What Do You Know… posed more questions on knowing or not knowing.
But it doesn’t naturally follow that I should also share my opinion on the neighbor’s soon-in-law or the qualities of people I have just met once. And just because I haven’t (yet) learned to appreciate various artforms, some ethnic kitchens, or have preferences for some flora and fauna, branches of sports, styles of furniture, professions, … over other, it doesn’t mean that my choices are naturally better. It just means that they put me in my comfort zone.
I hadn’t really thought of going into confession mode like this until I stumbled over this prayer for agreeableness, translated from a placard we found, cleaning up the estate from a recently departed family member:
“Lord, you know better than I, that I am getting on in years and will soon be old. Please release me from the awful habit of having to add my opinion at any and all times.
Release me from the impulse to solve other people’s problems. Make me reflective but not solemn; helpful, but not meddlesome.
Considering my enormous reservoir of wisdom, it may seem a waste that I shouldn’t use all of it, but you know, Lord, that it would be better if I could still retain some friendships.
Release me from adding all the details and give me the gift of getting to the point expediently.
Seal my lips for words of my worries and pains; they seem to increase, and the impulse to talk about them endlessly grows every year.
I will not dare to ask for a better memory, but please give me humility when my memories seem not to align with those of others. Give me acceptance that it just might be that I could be wrong.
Keep me adequately agreeable. I don’t aspire to sainthood – some saints are quite hard to stand – but a constantly moping and complaining old person is one of the Devil’s masterpieces.
Allow me to see something positive where I wasn’t expecting it, and something good in people in whom it might be a surprise to me.
And, finally, give me the grace that I can say ‘blessed are those who have nothing to say and yet stay quiet.’”
As you probably can imagine, we had a good laugh reading it. Followed in short order by a feeling of “Ouch” for the one getting it. Beautifully framed as a birthday present some 15 years ago. What to do with such a message? It may all depend on what their previous relationship was like.
One might assume that this is something generic that the giver thought was funny enough to pass on.
Or that this was advice that had worked so well enough for the giver to wish to pass it on.
Or that it was personal feedback wrapped into something that looked like a joke.
Or that the giver was plain ageist.
Or that it followed the Grook by the poet-philosopher Piet Hein that translates:
“The person who thinks that a joke is just for fun,
And that to be serious one can have none,
Doesn’t know much about neither jokes nor seriousness .”
I prefer to believe that the giver wanted to continue to have a relationship with the birthday ”child” and wanted to give time for some feedback to sink in by putting it in writing. By giving it this way, it was up to the recipient to interpret it as a joke or take a hint – for the purpose of staying in relationship – “retain some friendships”. That is a million times better than ghosting people because we can’t bring ourselves to mention how they – probably unwittingly – keep pushing us away.
Should you feel like ghosting somebody – for being an ultracrepidarian, negative, meddlesome – just send them this prayer instead. (Personally, though, I would prefer feedback that is a little more specific and actionable.)
