“Oh god, today is the day.”
I said to myself first thing when I woke up.
I had been dreading this day, while simultaneously craving it like a kid craves Christmas.
“Please, let this work out, let my words roll correctly, let them understand, help me through this.” I prayed as I rolled the covers off and crawled out of bed.
Every morning had become a routine, every movement in muscle memory. I didn’t have to cognitively function in the mornings, my body knew my motions for me. I was robotic, I was inhuman, I wasn’t analog, I was fully adapted – not fully alive.
There was a twitch within, knowing that today wouldn’t be like every other. The “butterflies” in the stomach that I hadn’t felt in quite a long time were rustling around like a torrent inside. My hands were shaking as I grabbed my bag and walked out the door.
I reiterated that same previous prayer multiple times on the drive into work, ironically knowing that there are better things to be praying about when going 30mph over the speed limit during a morning commute. I always drive fast, it’s one of my faults, but never really like this. For being so nervous my body sure was pulling towards its goal with wild haste. It was like I knew this was for the better, even though every part of me was hurting at the potential repercussions.