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The Stories That We Tell Ourselves

I have to say, when you’re enduring hit after hit, the siren song sung by the Critic sounds pretty logical. Especially when we lack the information we need to understand what’s actually going on. If someone hurts us or ignores us and we don’t know why our minds will just make up a reason. A reason that perhaps too frequently, is not in our favor.

Yes, of course, I never heard back from those jobs because I wasn’t good enough.

Yes, of course, I shouldn’t have expected this person to respect me because I’m worthless.

Yes, of course, that friend no longer talks to me because I don’t deserve to be in their life.

The story my Critic sings to me has not prevented me from achieving awesome things or reaching difficult goals. Rather, it’s limited me from truly connecting with other humans, while also telling me I should just accept being shoved around. And, for a long time, the critic convinced me that my story would always end in pain. That I’ll only wind up hurting and disappointing people and that others will only hurt and disappoint me. All of which coalesced into the persistent, uneasy feeling that I didn’t belong and would be better off if I weren’t there. Wherever there was.

Time To Rewrite The Narrative

I’ve managed to identify the song my Critic croons for me by this point; well, for the most part. I generally recognize the lyrics, and I know when the tune is most likely to play the loudest. Simply being able to acknowledge what’s happening has been enormously helpful. Even when I can’t compel the narrative to cease, I can at least remind myself that whatever someone does or doesn’t do very often has nothing to do with me.

I never heard back from those jobs because the hiring process is chaotic.

This person didn’t treat me with respect because they’re a jerk who doesn’t respect anyone, not even themselves.

That friend no longer speaks to me because they prefer to ignore anything that causes them to feel flawed.

Being able to tell myself that—hey, it’s probably not you, or at least, it’s not only you—can have tremendous benefits. Particularly when I’m in the middle of difficult circumstances that seem to go on and on. I’m can consider those circumstances more objectively and be kinder to myself up for not saying this or not doing that.

Now, entirely rewriting the song that I sing to myself…well, that’s a work in progress. And probably always will be.

The Story Doesn’t Have To Be Perfect

If you’ve ever struggled with that critical, doubting voice whispering incessantly, you know—and I know—that it basically sucks. No fancy words, no deeper insights necessary. A loud, insistent Inner Critic is just the worst; it affects our personal and professional lives and can drive behaviors that are not good for us or anyone around us.

I don’t have a panacea for taming the Critic and rewriting our inner stories, but I can offer you some suggestions that might help you begin to reconfigure a negative self-narrative.

1. Know The Critic Used To Serve A Purpose. At some point (or many points), you were hurt or discarded so painfully that your mind had to come up with a way to help you feel safe. The Inner Critic was one of its solutions, but over time, the voice became more detrimental than helpful.

Still, by knowing that your Critic was originally trying to protect you, you can start to figure out exactly what it was saving you from and why your song sounds the way it does.

2. Recognize The Critic May Occasionally Have A Good Point. Once in a while, our Inner Critic warns us about something dangerous or informs us that we didn’t do our best. It’s usually a complete jerk about it, but the voice can be spot on in some cases.

I suspect these moments occur when our intuition—which is not a jerk and far more perceptive—manages to break through the cacophony of catastrophe that the Critic is prone to weave. Ultimately, learning to separate the two is the goal, but in the beginning, practice asking yourself (when you’re in a calm state of mind) if there’s any truth to what the Critic is saying. If so, dig deeper.

3. Take Comfort In Imperfection. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. Our attempts to deal with stress and self-doubt and pain are not perfect. We get hurt, and we hurt others. As you work through the critical story you’ve spun for yourself, you will stumble. You will have setbacks. You will not succeed.

And that’s okay. We have a tendency to try and rush ourselves through pain or ignore its effects, but you don’t have to do that. The discomfort is normal. You don’t have to pretend it’s not, just like your Critic doesn’t need to explain the distress away by declaring you’re a failure.

4. Write Everything Down. I’m a huge proponent of journaling, and I recommend keeping one if you’re interested in trying to change your narrative. Spend 10-20 minutes a day writing out the assumptions and criticisms that are part of your story, and when you’re ready, you can explore whether you see any truth.

I suspect what you’ll see is that the fear of pain isolates you from the best parts of yourself and that you can learn to address those fears instead of avoiding or distorting them. And, on especially good days, you might see that slowly but surely, you can begin to tell yourself another story.

Rebecca H. Bond, Ph.D.
Rebecca H. Bond, Ph.D.https://writelikeaphd.com/
Rebecca H. Bond earned her Ph.D. in US history from Louisiana State University, where she specialized in environmental history and policy. She’s published with professional journals and websites, and she also runs the writing blog, writelikeaphd.com. When she’s not binge-watching political or crime dramas on Netflix, she does freelance writing, content development, and editing. Her favorite topics of discussion include history, higher education, good writing practices, and personal development.

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11 CONVERSATIONS

  1. The pain you have suffered in various points of your life screams loud and clear through your words. The critic within us is the toughest critic of all. So many people or events have left deep scars that may never heal. Through the sheer humanity you put into your article which I can only imagine how difficult or painful (or both) it must have been to write there are others out there who went through or are going through much of what you did except now they have somebody they can identify with. What I am clumsily trying to say is that you are helping people in addition to inspiring others. Without going into detail suffice it to say I know all too well how you must have felt. This was such an incredible article that you can’t help but be touched by. I know I was. I hope simple human kindness, joy and hope find their way into your soul. Please note you have a very big supporter in myself as well as I am sure many others. Thank you for writing this article. Thank you.

    • Hi, Joel! Thank you so much, your words are extremely kind. And I’m extremely appreciative of them! I wrote this article specifically to help others, so I’m glad to hear that it’s resonating with people and could maybe help them feel less alone.

  2. Sorry to hear that happened to you. It happened to me when I moved from the farm to the city. My first day of school I got beat up by a big group of boys. I confess that later on I went after them one at a time until I could walk down the hallway unmolested. I went on to be a black belt and promised myself that I would protect those that couldn’t protect themselves. Your story is powerful and needs to be heard. I will share with all my groups. Thank you for your courage and walk tall and be proud

    • Hi, Larry! Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement, and I’m sorry you experienced bullying growing up, good for you turning the experience into something that makes you want to help others rather than hurt them!

  3. What an honest and vulnerable article about the where the Inner Critic comes from-how it takes shape in our minds-hearts, Rebecca. Those early experiences lodge inside of us until we choose to flush them out of hiding, fully grieve the impact they had, and find that part of us that sits quietly bearing witness to our internal world and can question the validity or truth of these thoughts that are not who we actually are. It takes much courage to talk back to the lies the inner critic speaks. We create our realities from our inner worlds each and every day.

    • Hi, Laura! Thanks so much, and yes, well said. Our worlds are shaped in ways we often don’t even know or understand. It’s tough to confront and tougher to overcome…it can be done though, eventually! I think!

    • Hi Rebecca! Yes, please know it is possible. May my life- that was filled to the brim with childhood into adulthood traumas- be a demonstration that a person can tame and even silence the “inner critic.” Meditation and mindfulness have supported me immensely as have many hours of all different types of mind/body therapies. May you find your ways to continue to heal, to transcend all that happened. Your story of not belonging resonates powerfully with my own. I love the idea of belonging to ourselves and finding ways to belong to one another from the heart. You are so brave. I applaud your honest writing and your journey.

    • Your words are so kind, thank you! I appreciate the encouragement, and I also really appreciate you taking the time to comment again. I’m going to think about what you said here!

  4. Rebecca, first of all I’m sorry for the times you were the victim of somebody else’s bad character. I’m encouraged that you have used your circumstances to grow into a stronger person. I appreciate your article immensely because I have intense feelings of inadequacy and like no matter where I am, the ‘fit ‘ is forced or at least misshapen. I journal now but maybe I need to talk to my inner critic and figure out how to find peace where it devalues me.

    • Hi, Jane! Thanks so much, and I’m so sorry to hear you too struggle with those feelings. Sending you good thoughts in your own walk…taming the Critic is hard to do.

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