The toxic anger / the narcissistic rage
This is the abuser kind of anger used to scare, dominate, control or intimidate the person they are interacting with. It is important to understand that, if you have been raised in a narcissistic dysfunctional family system, this could be one of the reasons that you are afraid to let yourself getting angry or even admitting it. How come? Because you have always been associating anger with that raging monster in your life.
This kind of anger is anything but healthy. It comes out for instance when you set a boundary such as “I don’t tolerate that you hang up the phone and disrespect me”. This can also be triggered by a simple “No” to whatever the abuser wants from you: validation, money, sex, obedience; you name it! Their anger is simply a means to get you terrified and submit.
The toxic anger switches to a narcissistic rage whenever you challenge them, criticize them, or literally call them out. What happens in such circumstances is that you create a narcissistic injury. This is when they love making use of their blame-shifting manipulation strategy.
What if our anger is righteous but that the trigger is a complete stranger we would probably never meet again?
I was on my way back home after two exercising sessions. The traffic was horrible. There was a guy trying to get out of a parking lot and join the line. Nobody let him. It was late and everybody was in their own head and, most probably, willing to reach their destination and relax as soon as possible. I stopped my car and gave him my priority. I didn’t deserve any thank you. He was too entitled to even think about it. I felt pity for him, smiled, and drove my car again. Around one-third of a mile later, another guy was trying to get into his car, but it was too tight. Can you guess what happened? Let me help you. I stopped my car again. He didn’t even bother looking in my direction. That’s when I realized he wasn’t waiting for the drivers’ permission; rather afraid of causing some harm to his treasured belonging.
My attention and kindness were given to two narcissists who didn’t deserve it. The least thing I can say about the adventure is that it was a pleasant one. It is never the case with such disturbed individuals who believe their own lies about deserving all the favors because they are better than the rest of the world. Of course, it is frustrating that someone takes your free act of warm-heartedness for granted. But here is the deal: allowing some stranger to consume our energy is worthless. This is where our self-awareness responsible for creating the space between the stimulus and the answer, our resilience, and emotional intelligence are invited to the table.
With love, Myriam
Thank you for this, dear Myriam! You have a very keen understanding of narcissistic personality disorder. Yes, you are correct; they are frequently intelligent, successful, and highly manipulative. They often misuse their power and prey on vulnerable and trusting individuals. I appreciate your ability to recognize this pathology. As far as being courteous, I always tend to stop my car and allow someone to walk or drive in front of me. When I do not get a thank you, I often shout, ”You are welcome!”
Thaaaaaanks my lovely Darlene for stopping by and for recognizing the effort; means a lot! To come back to the story, that’s exactly what I used to do (shouting “You are welcome”) up to a few months ago when digging into the NPD finest details became a passion! I just came to realize that their narcissistic supply can take two forms: 1. validation & showing admiration for the false image they’re vehiculating to the world, 2. our reaction– no matter which form it could take– to their provocation. And since I know they survive thanks to their narcissistic supply, I decided to stop nurturing and enabling them! That’s the only way we can truly weaken them…
Myriam, I remember learning about annihilating rage as this was what I experienced with my mother along with the rat-a-tat-tat demeaning ridicule, then the “freezing me out.” and then the “But I love you” letters/notes. “I hate you, don’t leave me.” seems to be the core mantra of these types of tortured souls. What becomes very essential is coming to terms with our own anger-to flow this out in safe ways not directed at people we love and care about, to grieve the hurt, and connect deeply to the love inside ourselves (and with a higher power or God/Universe/Source energy. Finding safe pathways to purge the anger (screaming into a pillow, screaming alone in your car while its parked, martial arts, yoga HAs, roaring like a lion while alone in your home, running, biking, any form of exercise can dispel the anger in safe ways. Having our boundaries violated is definitely a source of anger. At a certain point, breaking the trauma bond and quietly walking away can create great freedom, safety. From this place we can heal and transform from the inside out. Thank you so much for what you’ve offered here about different types of anger-the “tool/weapon” it can be from a tortured soul’s depth of despair and unhealed traumas. And how we can purge the anger inside ourselves safely and choose self-awareness, healthy practices for optimal emotional well-being-heart, mind, body, soul. We can choose how we respond…We can walk away from toxic people.
I so feel you my sweetest Laura having had some “tortured” souls– like you’re so brilliantly labelling them– in my not very long life!
Thank you so much for how you consistely show up in my world and others’ world! Thank you so much for all the light you’re bringing to people’s life! 💙
“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone, and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” — Marianne Williamson