The Righteous Anger

Let’s keep in mind we don’t get angry when people are helpful or friendly or kind or cooperative or understanding. We can probably have a lot of peace in a moment like that. We get angry when people are harsh or negative or not understanding or not available emotionally. The anger starts building on the inside of us. If we look carefully, we will figure out that anger is tied up to our sense of self-preservation.

In fact, we can even say that anger is the emotion of ‘self-preservation’. When we feel angry, we want to preserve one of those three elements:

  • Our sense of worth “would you please show me respect and treat me as a decent person?”
  • Our legitimate needs “Hey I’ve got needs; please acknowledge them, recognize them, will you?”
  • Our fundamental convictions by which we identify ourselves.

More to the point, the righteous anger means that someone violated a boundary—either an existing one or a boundary we realized after being hurt we definitely needed to create. Thus, this anger is triggered to motivate us to do something about it, to make some kind of change.

Interestingly, we need to pay attention to the difference between:

There are multiple & numerous shields and we can develop and use a couple of them depending on the circumstances and/or people we are dealing with.

  • The anger coming from our narcissistic tendencies— existing in everybody to some extent until we can start being self-aware and reprogram our subconscious. Those tendencies are basically making people very reactive and quickly offended; simply because they are diving into life with a huge number of emotional scars and shields, which they have been building to protect themselves from the deep shame of never feeling good enough. You might be tempted to ask “Why are we building shields or why are we feeling this shame at all?” Well, as their name is stating, shields are being created to protect us. From what? Our insecurities. There are multiple & numerous shields and we can develop and use a couple of them depending on the circumstances and/or people we are dealing with. We can distinguish two kinds of shields: those hurting us such as being a pleaser, an achiever, all types of addictions to things and to people; withdrawing, keeping secrets, hiding, etc; and those causing harm to others, that is aggressiveness, using power to intimidate others, free cruelty, etc…When it comes to “why we are feeling a profound shame”, the answer is simple: we were all disconnected from our intrinsic worth to some degree. We were criticized by everybody around us and mainly by our caregivers at an early age. Instead of being elevated, we were asked to prove our worth on a daily basis.
  • The righteous anger.

More to the point, there is a difference between getting angry for a ‘perceived’ violation of our worth/basic needs/identity— triggered on ‘auto-pilot’; which turns to be a flashback and the result of our distorted judgment afterwards, and a ‘real’ one– coming from our secure self-preservation need.

Curiously, when we are still operating from an invasive subconscious program, and that we are the victim of a smart narcissist or psychopath, we might be misled when it comes to our righteous anger…

I am talking from a place of experience. Unfortunately, when the narcissist is extremely intelligent—especially the covert and malignant ones, their abuse techniques are very subtle; hence, really confusing. It gets more complicated depending on how low our self-esteem is. When we have been harshly conditioned; when we are tackling life with numerous limiting beliefs about ourselves—even when we are acting confident and believe it at a conscious level, we not only have the tendency to automatically question our judgements, but we have also been empowering our denial unconscious process preventing us from doubting others’ intentions. I have been observing with a broken heart, lately, the power of the denial coping mechanism in keeping some beloved people prisoners of some delusional reality; simply because they are not ready to bear with the pain and grief which would be triggered by seeing the truth, and that they would inevitably have to face…

The difference between the denial mechanism of the emotionally imbalanced people and the manipulators’ responsibility-avoidance tactic is the source of the motivation. While the former is motivated by fear, the latter is rather motivated by desire.

That is to say, the only way for our anger to be righteous and effective at the same time is to commit to our homework of re-writing our limiting beliefs about ourselves—a big step of re-programming the subconscious, which makes us move from our unhealthy attachment style to the secure one: we build our emotional healthy boundaries; we learn to respect ourselves and never please even a person we truly care about at our expense.

Moreover, and until we can finish the process of rewiring the subconscious program—most precisely in relation with our limiting beliefs about the world— so that we can reconnect with our purest gut and become able to feel and clearly see the manipulation no matter how brilliant it is, education around narcissism among other Cluster B disorders is a MUST.

By breaking your denial circle and becoming knowledgeable, you are not only protecting yourself but also your kids who could be abused by their teachers. Don’t be shocked. Those sick souls are everywhere. Plus, they love the educational industry for two reasons:

  • Being grandiose, they hate hierarchy. Consequently, and since the levels of the grading in the educational system are in general fewer than if we are a beginner in any other industry, it is quite convenient.
  • Kids are the easiest victim of all. Their brain development is not complete and they, by definition, trust their teachers. That’s what they are told by their caregivers. They provide the narcissists with huge amounts of narcissistic supply. I explored this topic in this article.
Myriam Ben Salem
A recovered perfectionist. A passionate. A grown kid. A writer. A storyteller. An edutainer. A lifelong learner. A speaker. An unapologetic truth-teller. A stoic philosopher. More details about the story of my life? With pleasure! I am a mentor with a deep passion for empowering whomever I interact with, helping others unleash the servant leader in them and find their voice they would use to leave their legacy. Ice on the cake, the growth happens implicitly through simply modeling it. I spent 9 years working at a high level of consultancy and management in the Information Technology, Human Resources, and Research sectors, only to realize that my perfectionism syndrome was damaging myself and those around me. After three burnouts, an existential crisis, and having almost committed suicide following being harshly abused by a malignant narcissist, I dramatically embarked on a painful journey to drastically transform the miserable individual I was. I was saved at the last moment by the grace of my pure love divinity through an out-of-body experience making me see all the lies of my unhealthy ego, realize this gigantic universe was not revolving around my small self. Most importantly, I was able to visualize I was here for a mission. That was the moment of my migration from being religious to spiritual. The butterfly took time to emerge though. The caterpillar had to heal the very obvious scars, gain some strength to start the most rewarding investment of the whole existence: destroying all my limiting beliefs both about myself and the world, and rewiring my invasive subconscious program I never wrote in the first place! I am deeply passionate about everything life has to offer. I educate through any possible means on the importance of reconnecting with our common birth’s gifts making all of us seeds of greatness only numbed by the life-time conditioning. Writing is my very favorite and most preferred tool deployed for my mission. The topics I explore are in the nexus of stoic philosophy, psychology, neuroplasticity, and epigenetics. Common denominator? The quality of the subconscious program! I am described as vivacious, confident, compassionate, authentic, funny, warrior, vulnerable, grateful, bold, emotionally mature, showing integrity with an abundance mentality, and always seeking the best way forward for myself and every person I get the privilege to interact with.


  1. Thank you for this, dear Myriam! You have a very keen understanding of narcissistic personality disorder. Yes, you are correct; they are frequently intelligent, successful, and highly manipulative. They often misuse their power and prey on vulnerable and trusting individuals. I appreciate your ability to recognize this pathology. As far as being courteous, I always tend to stop my car and allow someone to walk or drive in front of me. When I do not get a thank you, I often shout, ”You are welcome!”

    • Thaaaaaanks my lovely Darlene for stopping by and for recognizing the effort; means a lot! To come back to the story, that’s exactly what I used to do (shouting “You are welcome”) up to a few months ago when digging into the NPD finest details became a passion! I just came to realize that their narcissistic supply can take two forms: 1. validation & showing admiration for the false image they’re vehiculating to the world, 2. our reaction– no matter which form it could take– to their provocation. And since I know they survive thanks to their narcissistic supply, I decided to stop nurturing and enabling them! That’s the only way we can truly weaken them…

  2. Myriam, I remember learning about annihilating rage as this was what I experienced with my mother along with the rat-a-tat-tat demeaning ridicule, then the “freezing me out.” and then the “But I love you” letters/notes. “I hate you, don’t leave me.” seems to be the core mantra of these types of tortured souls. What becomes very essential is coming to terms with our own anger-to flow this out in safe ways not directed at people we love and care about, to grieve the hurt, and connect deeply to the love inside ourselves (and with a higher power or God/Universe/Source energy. Finding safe pathways to purge the anger (screaming into a pillow, screaming alone in your car while its parked, martial arts, yoga HAs, roaring like a lion while alone in your home, running, biking, any form of exercise can dispel the anger in safe ways. Having our boundaries violated is definitely a source of anger. At a certain point, breaking the trauma bond and quietly walking away can create great freedom, safety. From this place we can heal and transform from the inside out. Thank you so much for what you’ve offered here about different types of anger-the “tool/weapon” it can be from a tortured soul’s depth of despair and unhealed traumas. And how we can purge the anger inside ourselves safely and choose self-awareness, healthy practices for optimal emotional well-being-heart, mind, body, soul. We can choose how we respond…We can walk away from toxic people.

    • I so feel you my sweetest Laura having had some “tortured” souls– like you’re so brilliantly labelling them– in my not very long life!

      Thank you so much for how you consistely show up in my world and others’ world! Thank you so much for all the light you’re bringing to people’s life! 💙

      “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone, and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” — Marianne Williamson







"No one can whistle a symphony. It takes a whole orchestra to play it."