In all of my years on the planet, I have seen many pictures and of course, the various means to take them. Back in the day, before iPhones and Android phones, we actually used CAMERAS to take pictures. It seems as though today, only those talented with a lens are using cameras. Gone are the days of the camera with the bulb on top that blows out with the click of the flash and the “oh sh&$” reactions to your pictures when you picked them up at the local Photo Hut. I can’t believe I had to wait 30+ years of my life waiting for the opportunity for the digital “do-over.”
With all of this vast picture-taking technology, I have to pose an important question to men out there. Why, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do you think it is appropriate to send a picture of your “junk” to women? Do you sit there and think to yourself, “Well, I could send her a photo of my landscaping (pretty flowers and shrubbery for instance) or better yet, why not send her a pic of my manscaping. That’ll impress her!” WHAT THE ACTUAL F&$K!
Now I bring this up (no pun intended) because one of my friends recently received one, so we just had a conversation about the plethora of penis we have received via text. WHY? I once had a guy send me several pics with all different scenarios. Like he was having a twig and berries photo shoot. In one pic, only the tip was peeking out from a bubble bath. For real. What I want to know is, what the hell was he thinking? I mean, did he use a selfie stick to get all of the different angles?
And let’s be honest guys. Would you have been taking your “pelfies” (penis selfies) with a camera (back in the “olden days” before mobile phones) when the photo clerk at Walgreen’s had to develop your pictures? If you had, well, you’re probably in jail right now, unable to read this.
I once received a pic via text at the crack a$$ of dawn from an unknown number. Clue #1. I clicked on it with one eye open, as I am not a morning person, and thought, “Who would send me a pic of a parsnip at 6 am?” Then I opened the other eye, only to discover, it wasn’t a parsnip! He sent a follow-up text identifying himself as a guy I went to college with. “So I haven’t talked to you in 20 years and you lead with frank and beans and not, ‘Hello, how are you?’” I’d never seen it before, so why would I want to now??
I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that men do this. A LOT. “Well I can’t woo her with words, so I might as well send her the goods. Maybe that will entice her.” Just so you know, if the pic of yourself in your white wife beater didn’t get her, sending her a pic of Tiny Tim and the Timmetts isn’t going to seal the deal.
I think Amy Schumer has the best idea. Ladies, the next time you receive a disco stick photo, send him back a different one you have received. (Unfortunately, this means you have to save one.) And when he asks, “What the hell?” You can say, “I’m sorry, I thought we were exchanging our favorite dick pics!”
And gentlemen, and I use the term very loosely here, the next time you think of sending one of these pics, think again. An annoyed woman has the investigatory skills of a CIA operative. We’d hate to have your pelfie end up in your mom’s inbox.
