What, you might be saying. Lies, but I am a good person, I don’t lie!! I believe you, honest I do. The lies I am talking about are those that we inherited from our forbearers. Our parents, elders, community, and socio-political stories before we were aware of what was happening.
It was proposed by the early Psychotherapists a significant of childhood programming occurred within the first 7 years, and significantly within the first 6 months after birth. Imagine this. Your newborn is being told lies, innocently enough, yet still occurring.
The concept relates to the infant not knowing where they, their identity starts and where others begin. For the first six months or so, they are still ‘attached’ to the mother’s identity. So when others, specifically parents or caregivers, get upset, are not coping, the infant takes on the energy and internalises the idea they must be inadequate or not enough. The fusing of the lies into the subconscious occurs with repetition. The parent or caregiver is repeatedly not present, mindful and responsive to the child’s needs and natural curiosity.
See, we all have been lied to.
So many of our actions and thoughts all stem from lies that were created to keep us ‘safe’, protected, keep the moral code, create power imbalances, and in many instances, control us.
The lie is in the idea we created in response to other’s feedback, action, distractions, and inabilities. The parent
- Who is tired and, sleep-deprived.
- Stressed from the struggle to provide for the family in ways they believe they should be cared for.
- Relationships being strained, and emotions being projected onto the younger or witnessing projection onto others.
- The adult who has not yet been able to heal their childhood lies, and potentially have multiplied since.
- Those who are disconnecting, distracting, avoiding using substances, devices, and work; shopping, online activities, gambling, sleep, sex, etc. The overwork, overfit, over factious
- Those who have become helicopter parents suggest to the child they are never safe, capable, strong, self-reliant, curious and adventurous, etc.
If you have read through the Beliefs eBook, you may have uncovered quite a few of the lies others have told you, and you have accidentally taken on. This is merely an awareness exercise. Blame isn’t to be entertained, nor guilt, or fear, but only awareness.
Awareness is the first step to change, and now you have a choice to make – leave things as they are or tackle the lie. Heal the misconception that firstly you were responsible for your parent’s and other’s happiness and calm, and all the projections and inflections you took on as your own.
As the now adult, you have the options, control, and power to make amends. You have more wisdom, skills, insight into the realities your parents likely experienced when you were a child. It makes sense they would have at times lost the plot, needed distractions, entertainment, and vented their frustrations, etc. I also encourage you to have empathy for them. Simply because they honestly didn’t have the resources or ‘training’ of how to be a consciously aware parent living from emotional intelligence in that era. This movement has only evolved over the 20 or so years, emphasising mental health to reduce violence, incarcerations, and empowered leadership.
Is now the time for you to release the lies you chained to your psyche in the false hope of conformity and acceptance from your family, and peers?
The power in choosing forgiveness, re-writing the lies into truths, opening the discussions around how to become more aware, mindful, present, and engaged with sensitivity to those around us, while we evolve our inner beliefs into a self-certainty of lovability, tenancy, resilience and more than ok-ness?
To consider the type of person you strive to be-come. The ideas proposed by Cathy Caswell Clearing Your Own Path could inspire you. For yourself identity, to emulate to your children, grandchildren that change is possible. To become a great example of being empathetic, loving, and self-respecting, being able in turn to treat others the way you choose to treat yourself? To give yourself permission to live a life in a way that is your truth based on your values, desires, passions, loves, and gives you a true sense of purpose.
Yes, doing this will most likely ask you to step away, step out, and stand for different things. But I will challenge the idea of playing safe vs living a life well-lived. Which will give you more peace and satisfaction on your deathbed?
You now have the power to say loud and clear “My Life, My Choice!” in all aspects of life, around health, feelings, actions, etc. YOU are responsible for creating your life. Not your parents (unless you are aged 18 or less or rely on them); not your partner, children, siblings, boss, colleagues, but you!
The other bombshell is that no choice is still a choice. By not making a conscious decision, but to go with the preferences laid down eons ago and dictated to you now by others is still a choice available. It might be the safest option in the short term; while you reflect, consider the options before making an action plan, but still a choice.
The best bit of this realisation, in my mind, is….. What others think and say has very little reference other than listening to their opinion. It took me a very long time to realise this. I am doing the best I can with the resources in me, and at my perceivable access. The lies I believe are still my truths, for now. Until I see or agree, there is another way of seeing myself and others. But, to change a lie to a truth, as in flip it, takes courage, determination, and lots of compassion. Self-forgiveness and forgive those who believed, projected, and instilled the lies in the first place.
Keep coming back to the questions, by doing this, you too will be able to Kill Your Darlings as so beautifully described –
- Is this something I honestly believe about myself, this person, this situation, the nation, etc.?
- What is the more likely truth of the lie? If I don’t believe it to be really accurate, especially when there is a room full of evidence that you are a great person, that loves and is loved. You are more than capable of achieving and putting your heart and mind to a decided outcome.
- What do I choose to believe about myself, others and the situation etc.? If there is more than enough evidence to continue doing what I have been, or do I choose to see greater in myself than those around me do?
Then, work out how to change the lie. Sounds simple, and in many ways, it is. It starts with the awareness there is an untruth here, but I choose to see it like this. There are several modalities you can engage in to shift the lie. EFT or Tapping is one. Kinesiology, Mirror work, inner child conversations, Hoʻoponopono Hypnotherapy, guided meditations are others. Or simply if it is your nature each time you hear or feel the lie coming up. Stop, reflect, reframe and restate your preferred truth.
If others have healed and created life by their conscious choice, stepped out of the confines of their restrictive familial, social dogma, then you can too.
Awareness is the first step;
Considering options, the second
Acting as possible, the third
Forgiveness and healing, the fourth,
Declaring your new choices, the fifth,
Learning what is needed to become the new truth, the sixth
Doing and embodying the new you and follow-through, the seventh
The best bit – it is possible. I have, others have, you can too. It starts and ends with you. Now you are the adult responsible for healing the past hurts so you too can Create Your Life on Your Terms.