Every time you talk to someone who is warm, attentive, and interested, you think and feel better. It’s astonishing!
A minor example
I was stuck on a technical problem, and someone asked me, “How is it going?” Two minutes into my explanation, I solved it.
You will have had this experience, too.
Listening works well to help us to think differently about emotionally loaded issues, too.
Here’s a story
I was a curious child. My parents encouraged me to ask questions and work things out for myself. Questioning everything got me into terrible trouble at school with a head teacher. Much later, as an independent organisation development consultant, I avoided very senior people. They reminded me of the head who beat me!
I talked about my experience at school to a colleague who is a great listener. I realised I was an experienced adult, not a twelve-year-old child, and that senior people in organisations are not the same as my unpleasant headmaster.
Soon after this I worked closely with the COO of a major utility. It was easy because if she decided she wanted to do something, she could do it. I helped her team avert a strike that could have shut down the London Underground. This work would never have happened if I hadn’t talked to a good listener.
What happens when someone listens to us well?
It’s difficult to think well when hurting (sad, scared, embarrassed, angry, confused, or powerless). Then, we often do things that hurt ourselves or other people. When we are in a situation that reminds us of a time when we were hurting, our thinking shuts down again.
But, when we talk to someone who listens, we express the feelings associated with the experience that caused them, which helps us think more clearly. My story shows how this works.
Listening helps us appreciate what we did that worked well so we can do more of it. It’s great to tell a story about a success and be encouraged to “jump for joy” about it. Try jumping. Expressing joy this way liberates energy and enthusiasm.
How can we have more high-quality listening?
Better listening leads to better thinking, and we need better thinking in our challenging world. Coaches, counsellors, therapists and mentors sell listening as a professional service. These offerings are good but can’t meet the volume of the needs and desires we all have to be listened to.
The simple and elegant way to have more transformative listening is to take turns listening and talking. It’s enjoyable and a neat way to make or deepen a friendship. It’s rewarding to help someone and valuable to get some help.
You learn to listen and help better by doing, receiving, and understanding what works.
Another story
S and I met online this morning. He spent twenty minutes talking to me about his work. It’s a vital engineering project but frustrating to do. Internal communication is poor. I helped him think about his vision of success. He talked about how to improve the meetings he attends so there is more sharing and listening, and they succeed together. He decided he can have influence and will exert it.
In my turn, I spoke about my dilemma about attending a meeting on Appreciative Inquiry in Belgium. I was hesitating because I have had bad experiences travelling and attending events alone. Now that I know what went wrong and how to avoid it happening again, I have decided to go. Thanks, S.
We have exchanged a few emails, but this was the first time we had a conversation.
Finally
Listening is a valuable and neglected social skill. It leads to better thinking and deeper human connections. It’s essential in the home as well as at work. The easiest way to have more is to “take it in turns “. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”.
There is more on “Coconsulting” (one way to organise taking turns listening) here. https://www.nickheap.co.uk/coconsulting/
Welcome, Nick Heap, this is a place where I feel listened to and respected. Also inspired!! Hope that’s your experience, too!
Listening is useful, because more than any other activity, it connects us to life. It is a beautiful gift, because when we feel we have someone’s attention we feel important, we feel confirmed, we feel loved. Every interaction, every exchange, offers us the opportunity to make people feel “recognized” and this is not only interesting… it is powerful, meaningful and humanly nourishing.
Talking about listening means talking about communication, about a “superior” form of communication, because without one the other is ineffective. Without someone listening, the exchange is difficult.
In fact, listening is the art of understanding its meaning, it is the art of restoring its meaning and making people feel understood.
Our choice to listen is in fact a message: it communicates interest, attention, availability of time and energy. It is able to give the speaker a measure of the meaning and importance we reserve for it. If I choose to listen, in other words, I express consideration.
Welcomed, Nick Heap, to Bizcatalyst, a versatile and very professional platform for writers of all kind. Your voice will add value and enrich all of us. And congratulations on the article that explores often underestimated aspects of listening skills.