The Inner Game: The Most Important Game you can Play in Life

One thing that I have learnt through all of my life experiences is that the Inner Game is the most important game you can play in life and ultimately the only game you can truly win in order to find peace in your heart.

Having spent 18 years in a relationship that was both Coercive and Controlling in nature the need to ‘find myself and heal’ was ever present, especially when I made the decision to break free from this cycle of abuse.

I spent so many years reliant on what I was being told about myself in that relationship, about how I would never be able to cope with life alone, wouldn’t be able to support my children financially, a mother who was too emotional and sensitive to look after her children properly. Everything that I relied on was external to me and I often asked myself this question, what would others think of me, being a black woman who is being abused? It didn’t align with the beliefs that myself and others held, people would never believe me, the embedded stereotypes that surrounded me growing up of black women being too hard too crazy to ever be abused consumed my thoughts.

The internal (what I was feeling) and the external battle (what others thought and how they actually perceived my life), broke me, at every single waking moment it, governed my whole way of being. I decided that battle was too much to bare if I ever wanted to have peace in my heart. So I decided to work on the only thing I truly had control over, the Internal ‘The Inner Game’ and this was the only game I was prepared to invest in.

I got still and present and the more I relied on myself through aligning with my purpose and speaking my truth I began to empower myself. Slowly, very slowly I withdrew from the little things in life by relying on how they made me feel, if those things didn’t feel right I chose not to engage, I began to love this game I was playing with myself.

Not only did great things and opportunities begin to flow into my experience, so did people who thought like me, who operated with love for others and chose to look at life with endless possibilities.

I was changing the narrative of my life by relying on how I felt. The more I did this, the more my heart filled with peace and slowly, very slowly I was able to banish the blame and resentment from that relationship. In fact, I learnt that the only person being affected by holding onto that blame and resentment was me, I could feel the difference straight away, a sense of calm surrounded me. I was winning at this game.

It’s not about re-inventing the wheel, or treating others poorly in order to change your life. It’s about paying attention to how you feel, moment by moment.

My message to you all is this……Care enough about how you feel in life, in order to make choices and decisions that will create peace in your heart.

Much Love, Lis

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Lis Hoyte
Lis Hoyte
Lis Hoyte is an Author, certified speaker, life coach (empowering Women and Men to break free from coercive control), and a domestic abuse advocate and survivor specifically for Coercive control. Lis started her career as a youth support worker that supported young people with emotional and behavioural difficulties who resided in independent children’s homes. From this, Lis then started her career teaching in both mainstream and independent schools covering both KS3 and KS4 at GCSE, specialising in Humanities, Health and Social Care, and Psychology. Lis is the author of ‘Break Free’ (2021) which maps Lis’s transformational journey and paradigm shift out of her coercive controlling relationship which spanned nearly two decades. Lis’s purpose is to spread awareness of coercive control and to support others experiencing this type of abuse. Lis’s main focus is on the importance of the Inner Game for self-healing and empowerment. Lis holds a BA Honours in Sociology and Criminology and an MSc in Crime and Community Safety Evidence-Based Practice (EBP) Lis’s book ‘Break Free’ is available on Amazon, LULU, Draft to Digital, Waterstones, and WH Smith.

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  1. Hi Liz, and welcome. I look forward to getting to know you better through your writing. This! “It’s not about re-inventing the wheel, or treating others poorly in order to change your life. It’s about paying attention to how you feel, moment by moment.” It is the foundation of the work I practice and teach: awareness in the moment, understanding what I’m responsible for (and what I’m not responsible for!), what I can change (my Inner Game), and what I can’t change. It is freedom of the most joyous kind!

  2. Dear Lis,

    Your description of the obvious trauma you experienced for eighteen years is terrible to say the least.

    You came through this period of your life after ‘communicating’ with your inner self; your soul, eventually seeing and experiencing the real ‘you’.

    It is easy to behave, act and communicate what others expect to see. You are yourself and can convey your experiences to others so that they may enjoy well deserved emancipation. Thank you for opening your heart, Lisa

  3. Ho Liz welcome to Bizcatalyst360. Really liked this article and I totally agree and understand. I to was in an abusive relationship and was looking my own identity. zi no longer knew who I was. After 28 years I finally mustered the courage to get out of that marriage. Thus began my journey of learning what I was all about and what I believed in. I realized I had to love myself and be comfortable with who I was. I can really identify with this article. Thanks fir sharing

  4. I repeat what CAROLYN wrote “Welcome Welcome Welcome Lis!

    You are so right. The real win is twinning the game with self. The choice is ours- to please others or be authentic and be ourselves.
    Making all people happy is a losing game because this goal is unattainable. What counts is winning self and act from within and not what others expect us to act.

    You made it, Lis. Congrats.

  5. Welcome Welcome Welcome Lis!
    Truly love your essay, your story of finding your way out and seeing the truth of who you are in this world. It all happens from the inside out.
    LOVE this right here: “It’s not about re-inventing the wheel, or treating others poorly in order to change your life. It’s about paying attention to how you feel, moment by moment.”
    You are brave, bright, insightful and a beautiful story teller.
    Welcome again to the Tribe.