The Ending Is Now In View

Devastating news is delivered to you courtesy of your physician or other health professional. Your test results although not perfectly conclusive show “indications” something that may not be curable or that can worsen over time has taken hold of your body. The solid red brick walls that defined you as a pillar of strength have been bulldozed to the ground. A wrought iron wrecking ball knocked you down in mere seconds reducing you to emotional rubble. Words cannot escape from your mouth as your thoughts, feelings, and fears have encapsulated you.

There subtle signs at times that led you to wonder if something was wrong or going wrong. Suddenly much to your joy everything feels normal again. Everything feels normal again until the dreaded symptoms reappear while disappearing again a short time later. The answers to your uneasiness from the signals your body are sending are for your doctor to diagnose. Samples of various bodily fluids are whisked off to medical labs. Other tests invasive or not are ordered. Once all the data comes back it is examined with a diagnosis following that.

Your still fertile mind conducts its own series of logical questions with undeterred determination to intellectually discredit the results. Intuitively you decide to seek yet another opinion or look to friends to help you make everything okay. Any new ache or pain ramps up feelings of anxiety. You come to conclude or accept what you were told is accurate even though it may not be necessarily so. Take all of these findings to show to somebody else. The results will either be accepted as is or refuted.

Am I going to die? My G-d I am going to die…..soon! Nobody (friend, doctor or clergy person) need to cast their forlorn all is lost look at me. I know what I know! You can’t tell me I don’t know or pretend there are slivers of hope when none exist. But why is there no hope? WHY? Yes, I am too young to die or so I think. No, I do not want to die now. There are still things to do or accomplish like creating more life or bringing a new life into our home to make it their home. WHY do I have to die now?  Who gave death the right to steal my dreams to pass along to somebody else so they may live them?

How did this happen? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? What did I do or did not do that my fate is now signed and sealed? Clearly, I do not understand! Surely I must be owed clarity or a rationale I can live with. Death is a mystery we all know but when it is my time of death that is hastening itself upon me it just seems so unfair. Life can be unfair although in its own way it is fair. Death s never fair even when it has a right to be that way. Nothing of extravagance did I ask for myself. Modesty has always been my calling card. I plead and pray to you please do not let me die now! PLEASE! Keep my mind and body here where they still belong. Those among me do not want me to die. They too are pleading and praying to you for my life. My life has both touched and reached people deep into their hearts, minds, and souls. The unbreakable gold bond that became the covenant we made to each other must continue to be so in the flesh.

Yesterday I took what seemed like one of the last walks I may ever take down to the bay. Two dogs stopped to kiss me along the way. Their sad eyes said so much more than spoken words ever could. Flocks of seagulls encircled near me close enough to notice I was there. Every so often one would land on a rock a scant few feet from where I stood while casting a sidelong glance at me. The ducks swam indifferently by stopping only long enough to allow the seagulls to take flight over them. These finely majestic feathered birds who soared with ease and grace seemed to be imploring me to release my soul my spirit so they too may spread their wings to race up to the clouds while disappearing behind them never to be seen again. Is it they who are the messengers appointed to carry my spirit back down to earth so it may reach those left behind to say hello. BUT I STILL DO NOT WANT TO DIE OR HAVE MY MIND FADE AWAY! NO, PLEASE!

Shaking with fear of when the red velvet curtain drapes itself over the stage signaling the ending time is now. There will be no encore for this life although there will be rousing rounds of hand clapping to make the lights go back on so the band can take the stage again. Sing, strum, play the music to enchant all those who are listening. Pour out the rhythmic poetic lyric lines so all may know my voice is singing along with them in time this time for all time. Lost in the morbidity that only death can bring is the fact I rarely said I love you but I did mean to and certainly felt that way. You knew or did you know I loved you. It could have been expressed in many ways that did not have to consist of syllables yet they were not. WHY were you (I) so cold and calculated?

Inevitable is the regrets you feel now that it is inevitable you have them displayed prominently in front of you even if the reality is you can now no longer feel regret. The time for them was then when you (I) knew you (I) had them but did not care until later on when the ramifications of your(my)  ill-fated poorly conceived decisions came to light. Who was me anyway? Quick with jokes or stories that overpowered you into nearly non-stop laughter. To do that was good but you (I) hid so much more. So much more to give but it was not given. You (I) always shrouded yourself in mystery.

As if I am standing in judgment before the highest of courts I write as if it were somebody else but it is or was me. Sometimes I was all that ever was or I wanted it to be. It was not that it was all about me as if I was everything or the only thing that mattered. Perhaps I was too busy living a pretend life to notice (I did notice) there was a life I needed to recognize I was a part of. The cars, the money, the power, the loss of sight, the loss of working legs or a spine that could hold me up, the empty wallet, the empty pantry comprised the new/old life being lived behind those cracked old walls with paint chips scattered all across the floor. I don’t know if it could have been any other way.

Now I must prepare to die though I still not know why I must die now. For what little it is worth now I am sorry to all those I hurt. I am sorry I characteristically disregarded advice I was given that could have made a difference. Had I to do it all over again I would probably do it all over again the same way. Indifference clothed in ignorance fortified by episodes of belligerence.

Where I last left you was the co-dependence of mind and body. Last week I was devastated to learn that I may be at the start of my own separation from me. From that not yet definite determination I wrote this article feeling I had been left in limbo having to wait until next month to learn my fate. In anticipation of the ending becoming in full view, this article chose to write itself.


Joel Elveson
Joel Elveson
INDEPENDENT Executive Recruiting By Joel is an "up and coming" Executive Search Firm formed and headed up by Joel Elveson whose visionary ideas, leadership & creativity have brought to life a more "user-friendly" approach to recruiting. His clients and candidates form powerful strategic partnerships that we use to help you. Joel’s Firm offers Permanent, Temporary (case by case), & Temporary To Permanent staffing solutions for all of your Human Capital Requirements. Contract IT/Consultants are available if needed. Above and beyond they are experts (by way of their personal industry work experience) with mortgage, mortgage banking, middle-market banking, accounting, along with many others under the vast financial spectrum of disciplines. Their business goes beyond candidate recruiting as they also train, mentor and develop your internal recruiting staff with an eye towards helping you reduce the cost of hiring. They will also work in areas such as compensation, effective onboarding processes and alike. In other words, their business is to help your business by becoming an extension of you by filling in gaps that cause delay or waste. The recruiting methods employed by Joel’s team are time tested that results in a high rate of successful placements. Joel was trained in the art of recruiting by some of the top staffing industry executives in addition to the best recruiter trainers who to this day drive me to exceed the lofty goals he has set forth.

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  1. Joel, for what it’s worth, I don’t want you to go. I know, you love life, love in itself, freedom, profound thought and opening your mind to new spiritual, geographical and human worlds. You are a thinker. Sometimes you generated melancholy, but the melancholy that you generated, through your personal drama … warmed by the light of your soul … of something “Higher” … has led us (me for sure) to have more depth of thought, stirred in us all a determination to consider others. I don’t want you to go. FIGHT Joel, please.

    • Massimo, you are an extremely compassionate man. I was very touched by the feelings you expressed. I wrote this article a couple of months back during a health scare that thankfully turned out to be nothing. As a diabetic, all sorts of things can go wrong. All life is precious to me. As far as I know, I will not be leaving anytime soon but it is G-d who decides this and not me. Thank you for in addition to everything else for your friendship. Take care.

  2. Joel, I have appreciated all your writings, yet I haven’t commented much. But thank you for all that you have said. Your words will certainly live on and shine in the world. As the Rabbi said: “And the Holy One—blessed be He!—shines in the ten sefirot of the world of emanation, in the ten sefirot of the world of creation, and in the ten heavenly spheres. In investigating this subject the reader will find: that we all proceed from Him, and are comprised in Him; that our life is interwoven with His; that He is the existence of all beings; that the inferior beings, such as vegetables and animals, which serve us as nourishment, are not outside of Him; in short, he will discover that all is one revolving wheel, which ascends and descends—all is one, and nothing is separated from Him.”

    • Christine,
      Your comment left me lacking for words that are adequate enough to sufficiently thank you for being such a loyal reader. I am very intrigued by the quotes and would be very curious to know where you found them. You showed me a tremendous amount of respect by sending them to me. Please do not worry about not sending me your comments on a regular basis as I do not expect anybody to devote any specific amount of time to my writing. Feel free to comment as often as you wish to or have time for. Life does not revolve around me.

    • Thank you, Christine, for your comments and for the information. Don’t worry about how often you read my articles. Read as much or as little as you wish or have time for.

    • Thank you for your very touching sentiment. Being surrounded by caring people like yourself can only help. Hopefully, everything will be clearer next month. Thank you!

    • Larry, without people like you to share this story with it, would have no meaning. I wish I could have touched your heart in a less morose way. Thank you for being there.