Devastating news is delivered to you courtesy of your physician or other health professional. Your test results although not perfectly conclusive show “indications” something that may not be curable or that can worsen over time has taken hold of your body. The solid red brick walls that defined you as a pillar of strength have been bulldozed to the ground. A wrought iron wrecking ball knocked you down in mere seconds reducing you to emotional rubble. Words cannot escape from your mouth as your thoughts, feelings, and fears have encapsulated you.
There subtle signs at times that led you to wonder if something was wrong or going wrong. Suddenly much to your joy everything feels normal again. Everything feels normal again until the dreaded symptoms reappear while disappearing again a short time later. The answers to your uneasiness from the signals your body are sending are for your doctor to diagnose. Samples of various bodily fluids are whisked off to medical labs. Other tests invasive or not are ordered. Once all the data comes back it is examined with a diagnosis following that.
Your still fertile mind conducts its own series of logical questions with undeterred determination to intellectually discredit the results. Intuitively you decide to seek yet another opinion or look to friends to help you make everything okay. Any new ache or pain ramps up feelings of anxiety. You come to conclude or accept what you were told is accurate even though it may not be necessarily so. Take all of these findings to show to somebody else. The results will either be accepted as is or refuted.
Am I going to die? My G-d I am going to die…..soon! Nobody (friend, doctor or clergy person) need to cast their forlorn all is lost look at me. I know what I know! You can’t tell me I don’t know or pretend there are slivers of hope when none exist. But why is there no hope? WHY? Yes, I am too young to die or so I think. No, I do not want to die now. There are still things to do or accomplish like creating more life or bringing a new life into our home to make it their home. WHY do I have to die now? Who gave death the right to steal my dreams to pass along to somebody else so they may live them?
How did this happen? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? What did I do or did not do that my fate is now signed and sealed? Clearly, I do not understand! Surely I must be owed clarity or a rationale I can live with. Death is a mystery we all know but when it is my time of death that is hastening itself upon me it just seems so unfair. Life can be unfair although in its own way it is fair. Death s never fair even when it has a right to be that way. Nothing of extravagance did I ask for myself. Modesty has always been my calling card. I plead and pray to you please do not let me die now! PLEASE! Keep my mind and body here where they still belong. Those among me do not want me to die. They too are pleading and praying to you for my life. My life has both touched and reached people deep into their hearts, minds, and souls. The unbreakable gold bond that became the covenant we made to each other must continue to be so in the flesh.
Yesterday I took what seemed like one of the last walks I may ever take down to the bay. Two dogs stopped to kiss me along the way. Their sad eyes said so much more than spoken words ever could. Flocks of seagulls encircled near me close enough to notice I was there. Every so often one would land on a rock a scant few feet from where I stood while casting a sidelong glance at me. The ducks swam indifferently by stopping only long enough to allow the seagulls to take flight over them. These finely majestic feathered birds who soared with ease and grace seemed to be imploring me to release my soul my spirit so they too may spread their wings to race up to the clouds while disappearing behind them never to be seen again. Is it they who are the messengers appointed to carry my spirit back down to earth so it may reach those left behind to say hello. BUT I STILL DO NOT WANT TO DIE OR HAVE MY MIND FADE AWAY! NO, PLEASE!
Shaking with fear of when the red velvet curtain drapes itself over the stage signaling the ending time is now. There will be no encore for this life although there will be rousing rounds of hand clapping to make the lights go back on so the band can take the stage again. Sing, strum, play the music to enchant all those who are listening. Pour out the rhythmic poetic lyric lines so all may know my voice is singing along with them in time this time for all time. Lost in the morbidity that only death can bring is the fact I rarely said I love you but I did mean to and certainly felt that way. You knew or did you know I loved you. It could have been expressed in many ways that did not have to consist of syllables yet they were not. WHY were you (I) so cold and calculated?
Inevitable is the regrets you feel now that it is inevitable you have them displayed prominently in front of you even if the reality is you can now no longer feel regret. The time for them was then when you (I) knew you (I) had them but did not care until later on when the ramifications of your(my) ill-fated poorly conceived decisions came to light. Who was me anyway? Quick with jokes or stories that overpowered you into nearly non-stop laughter. To do that was good but you (I) hid so much more. So much more to give but it was not given. You (I) always shrouded yourself in mystery.
As if I am standing in judgment before the highest of courts I write as if it were somebody else but it is or was me. Sometimes I was all that ever was or I wanted it to be. It was not that it was all about me as if I was everything or the only thing that mattered. Perhaps I was too busy living a pretend life to notice (I did notice) there was a life I needed to recognize I was a part of. The cars, the money, the power, the loss of sight, the loss of working legs or a spine that could hold me up, the empty wallet, the empty pantry comprised the new/old life being lived behind those cracked old walls with paint chips scattered all across the floor. I don’t know if it could have been any other way.
Now I must prepare to die though I still not know why I must die now. For what little it is worth now I am sorry to all those I hurt. I am sorry I characteristically disregarded advice I was given that could have made a difference. Had I to do it all over again I would probably do it all over again the same way. Indifference clothed in ignorance fortified by episodes of belligerence.
Where I last left you was the co-dependence of mind and body. Last week I was devastated to learn that I may be at the start of my own separation from me. From that not yet definite determination I wrote this article feeling I had been left in limbo having to wait until next month to learn my fate. In anticipation of the ending becoming in full view, this article chose to write itself.