I grew up wanting to be a cool kid, yet a cool kid who flew under the radar and didn’t garner any attention. So instead of the popular circle. I melded into the masses. Years later, former classmates would tell me that they remember me as being funny or nice or even pretty. My teenage self would have appreciated that validation, to say the least. I thought I was past all of that until recently, a situation presented itself which brought up a lot of this old “stuff.” Suddenly I found myself wanting to be a cool kid again, albeit now in the form of a woman well into middle age.
Wasn’t this exactly what I needed?
Due to confidentiality, I can’t go into details, but suffice it to say I was invited to a women’s wisdom circle. I was invited by someone I greatly admire and the thought of being around other like-minded women was very appealing to me. I convinced myself that this was the right move, even though I felt a slight heaviness in my chest. I made a commitment to myself and to the other women. The problem was, I wasn’t really committed. It wasn’t conscious—not for a long time. I’ve broken commitments to myself many times over the years and sadly, that feeling wasn’t foreign. But I didn’t break my commitment to others. That simply wasn’t me. I would follow through even if it killed me. At times, those past commitments did feel like they’d kill me. I stayed in relationships and jobs way too long than was healthy. But this was different, right? Wasn’t this exactly what I needed?
Over the past ten years, I’ve done quite a bit of personal development work and so, when I realized that I had committed to something that wasn’t fully aligned, it knocked me off balance. How did this happen? Didn’t I know myself better than this? Hadn’t I learned to trust my internal wisdom and the signals of my own body? Yet here I was, trying to convince myself that I was on the right path. I felt shame. I felt embarrassment.
Thankfully, two wonderful women got on a call with me. They asked me pointed questions about how I really felt and if I was truly committed. With my eyes closed and my hand over my heart, I heard the answer before I had even finished the question. The answer was “no.” I literally croaked out the answer through tears. As much as it pained me to admit my truth, I’m so grateful that the situation unfolded the way it did. The Universe had sent me another opportunity to heal and grow.
I must listen to my body. I must listen to my intuition. I must remember that I am worthy and to honor what my inner guidance is telling me. I’m not less than because I’m no longer a part of a group.
Keep going, keep growing, keep beating the drum of what lights you up.
Hi Carol,
Thank you for sharing your story. I loved how you honored yourself. I can relate to trying to be a square peg in a round hole to please others. It just does not feel good. When it does not, we’re deceiving ourselves and others, and not being authentic.
Hi Yvonne,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my essay and for the kind words. I completely agree with you!
Carol, great story and advice.
Thanks so much, Larry!
Hello Carol. Thank you for sharing your moving account with us. Bravo for following your inner guidance. We pay a dear price when we go against our heart. Personally, I kind of like being “outside” those groups. 🙂
Thank you, Art. I agree. Strangely, I didn’t feel that I was going against my heart when I first made the decision. But it showed me that there are still things I get to heal. Onward…! 🙂
Bravo, Bravo and Bravo Carol!
There is such power in your vulnerability in this share.
The insights that you are gathering allow you to get closer to your truth and highest self.
Sharing your stories is a beautiful way to pass on your wisdom and let others who feel the same way, know they are not alone. #BRAVO
Thank you so much, Carolyn! I so appreciate the kind words. In the past it was scary for me to share stories like this. My ego would get in the way (“who is going to trust you as a mentor when you don’t have your own stuff figured out?”). But then I realize that I’m always expanding. I’m alchemy underway. 💗
Good for you, Carol, that you caught on to your ambivalence in time. The whole queen bee mentality is not healthy in middle school and not any more healthy among adults.
What if we were all better at affirming each other?
I wish I could say I caught on to my ambivalence on my own, but it did take a difficult conversation with 2 amazing women to get me there! 🙂
Oh what a world it would be if we were all affirming one another! 💗
It’s so easy to fall back into old habits. But the personal insight to realize it’s happening and having the strength to make a change is so powerful.
Thank you for sharing this part of your journey and reminding me it’s okay to fall back sometimes. And even cry while doing it.
Thanks so much, Joanna. So many times there have been things that I thought I’ve healed, but they come up again. Now I realize that it’s for a purpose–I get to have a new level of healing. 💗
Ah, Carol — so many of us share that “I don’t know what I want to do with my life” thought! I had NO idea, but then again, in the 1950s and ’60s, women didn’t really DO things beyond getting married, having kids, staying home, and … well. That was about it.
And some of us just plain didn’t like any part of it! Yes, I’m a mom, and I have two wonderful daughters, but motherhood just didn’t quite do it for me. It wasn’t enough, and I couldn’t even say that for about 30 years. I felt like a horrible person inside.
Now? Now I’m deliriously happy! Single by choice. Love where and how I live. Small dogs. Beachfront property. Work that absolutely delights and fulfills me. Love my daughters, love my grandkids — probably more than I would without the rest of my life’s activities.
Long it may continue — for me, for you, and for all those who are still figuring it out.
Thanks for sharing this Susan. From our very first conversation it was clear you live life on your own terms. You exude joy!
Yes, long it may continue!
Dear Carol,
You are rare (unique) in as much as you are willing to write about your most personal experiences. You are so honest about your down an ups. Your true personality shines through every time you describe your life experience. So many people will have learned much from your often vivid descriptions including myself. The Universe knows best, and those willing to trust their instincts and follow their heart will win the day. As you have, my friend.
Simon
Oh thank you so much, Simon! I appreciate the kind words and support.