I grew up wanting to be a cool kid, yet a cool kid who flew under the radar and didn’t garner any attention. So instead of the popular circle. I melded into the masses. Years later, former classmates would tell me that they remember me as being funny or nice or even pretty. My teenage self would have appreciated that validation, to say the least. I thought I was past all of that until recently, a situation presented itself which brought up a lot of this old “stuff.” Suddenly I found myself wanting to be a cool kid again, albeit now in the form of a woman well into middle age.
Wasn’t this exactly what I needed?
Due to confidentiality, I can’t go into details, but suffice it to say I was invited to a women’s wisdom circle. I was invited by someone I greatly admire and the thought of being around other like-minded women was very appealing to me. I convinced myself that this was the right move, even though I felt a slight heaviness in my chest. I made a commitment to myself and to the other women. The problem was, I wasn’t really committed. It wasn’t conscious—not for a long time. I’ve broken commitments to myself many times over the years and sadly, that feeling wasn’t foreign. But I didn’t break my commitment to others. That simply wasn’t me. I would follow through even if it killed me. At times, those past commitments did feel like they’d kill me. I stayed in relationships and jobs way too long than was healthy. But this was different, right? Wasn’t this exactly what I needed?
Over the past ten years, I’ve done quite a bit of personal development work and so, when I realized that I had committed to something that wasn’t fully aligned, it knocked me off balance. How did this happen? Didn’t I know myself better than this? Hadn’t I learned to trust my internal wisdom and the signals of my own body? Yet here I was, trying to convince myself that I was on the right path. I felt shame. I felt embarrassment.
Thankfully, two wonderful women got on a call with me. They asked me pointed questions about how I really felt and if I was truly committed. With my eyes closed and my hand over my heart, I heard the answer before I had even finished the question. The answer was “no.” I literally croaked out the answer through tears. As much as it pained me to admit my truth, I’m so grateful that the situation unfolded the way it did. The Universe had sent me another opportunity to heal and grow.
I must listen to my body. I must listen to my intuition. I must remember that I am worthy and to honor what my inner guidance is telling me. I’m not less than because I’m no longer a part of a group.
Keep going, keep growing, keep beating the drum of what lights you up.