About two weeks after my sweet Hazel passed away, my phone rang. The caller ID let me know that the call was from the home of one of Hazel’s sisters. So, without hesitation, I answered the call. “Hello.”
“Hey, Len.” I recognized the voice immediately. It was my brother-in-law. “Just calling to check on you and see how you are doing.”
I thought to myself, “How nice of him to call and check on me.” I took a deep breath and with every ounce of strength I could muster, I attempted to answer without my voice cracking. I failed miserably. “I doing my best to hang in there.”
“Len, you have to understand that Hazel is in a better place. All her aches and pains are gone. Her body has been completely healed. Why, she is in a place of love and joy – surrounded by nothing but goodness. She is so much better off now than when she was suffering here. She is happy now.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks. I wasn’t upset with my brother-in-law. I knew that his words were coming from a place of love and a true desire to help me feel better. I know this because I have said the same words at one time or another to someone grieving the loss of a loved one. But, now that I have experienced the loss myself, I regret saying these things because they really don’t bring comfort in the time immediately after the loss. So, I did my best to gather my emotions so I could answer him.
“I know what you are saying is true. Believe me, I have not lost my faith during this time. As a matter of fact, my faith is what has allowed me to try and go on each day. But the one thing that no one can understand is that it is not a question of faith. The truth is simple. I miss her.”
Silence and then a quick goodbye. I understood. I had faced this awkwardness several times in the grocery store when someone would stop me and comment that they were sorry for my loss. When their words meant to comfort brought about my tears, silence and a quick goodbye were the expected reactions.
So, what can you do for someone who has experienced the loss of a loved one? Read my article Empathy Brings Healing. It is the perfect example of what the person experiencing the loss needs – your presence.
As I have come to expect, your insights, Aldo, are always perfect. Thank you for your kind comment and for your friendship.
When you lose your spouse, the loss is very strong, to the point of seeming almost unmanageable. But there is a way to overcome the pain it brings, by becoming aware of it and welcoming it as proof of having experienced an intense and unique love story, the memory of which will remain with you forever.
Time will help you in this process.