Introduction: This is an excerpt from one of my most requested keynote talks. I am breaking them into 3 separate Newsletter articles. The first is resiliency. Message me so we can schedule this talk at your next event.
Life is a series of choices and adjustments. It is not a linear path from A to B. There will be many twists, turns, obstacles, and struggles that make us all wonder what are we doing and why are we doing this?
I have been through several choices & adjustments in my life: Catholic School, college, military, hi-tech career, senior hi-tech executive, hi-tech CEO, divorces, CEO of my insurance agency, single parent, author of nine books, five #1bestsellers and two award-winners, certified speaker, radio, TV, podcast host, and Co-founder of Trust the Process – Book Marketing Program.
Never in my wildest dreams did I believe I could not only survive but thrive in so many different roles.
Resiliency, Confidence, and Positive Relationships are not just traits, they are tools we can cultivate to unlock success and fulfillment in every area of our lives.
Cornerstone 1 Resiliency.
Resiliency is the ability to recover and grow from setbacks, adversity, disappointment, frustration, and failure.
Growing up, let’s say pre-teen or teen, what was the one thing you wanted to happen or wanted to become? You read about people who have achieved it; you modeled your behavior to act like them; you imagined yourself in that role; you probably told some friends or your family what you wanted to become.
Did it happen? Odds are it did not. Now what do you do?
Let me share my story. I grew up in a small, hard-luck steel town outside of Buffalo, NY. Times were difficult financially. Seasonal layoffs were common, and getting ahead was limited. In my teens, I feared this was the life I was doomed to live. I had to get out, but how?
Baseball was my oasis. I was pretty good and thought it might be my way out. I studied the game; worked on all the finer points of hitting, fielding, and throwing; and watched how all the great players approached the game. I was an All-Star at every level.
School was an afterthought. I recall a conversation with my high school guidance counselor when asked “At this point in your life, what do you hope to accomplish?” My answer was “I am going to be a major league baseball player.” She then asked, what is your backup plan?” My answer was, “There is no backup plan. I believe I have the skills, I have associated with coaches who were guiding me and I am confident this is going to happen.”
Going into my senior year I was invited to a tryout with the Pittsburg Pirates. I thought it was happening. Then reality struck. When I was with guys who actually made it, I realized my skills were severely lacking. At 17 years old, the dream was not only over it was shattered. Now what?
Since I wasn’t a great student, I didn’t get accepted into any four-year schools. I spent two years in a community college trying to discover my new dream. With baseball off the table, I had to learn how to study and hope to be accepted into a kinesiology program at a good school. I graduated second in my department and was accepted at Cornell, the highlight of my life at that point. If I had applied to Cornell in high school, they would have sent back the letter unopened with a note – you have got to be kidding. Being accepted at the kinesiology program at Cornell was Mission accomplished.
Is anyone here old enough to remember or heard about the military draft lottery? Shortly after receiving the letter from Cornell, I was number ten in the military lottery. Another dream shattered.
My choices were to get drafted into the Army for two years with a high probability of going to Vietnam; leave the country, or enlist for four years with a guaranteed job in the Air Force. I enlisted in the Air Force and was a military medic at the end of the Vietnam War.
While I was not a combat medic, I did see many things a 19-year-old shouldn’t see. I witnessed people whose lives were forever altered through no fault of their own. I promised myself that I would not become a victim.
I had no intention to stay in the military. With baseball and Cornell now off the table I was at another Now What moment. While still on active duty, I enrolled at a local community college near the base. Since I had no idea what I wanted to do, I decided to try Business Administration. I worked nights in the emergency room and went to school during the day. I was awarded the Wall Street Journal Student of the Year in Business Administration. I thought maybe I can do this. After my discharge from active duty, I earned a Bachelor’s Degree that led to a 30-plus-year business career.
The Science Behind Resiliency:
When a person faces a challenging situation. It could be as extreme as a life-altering event, (marriage, children, divorce, losing a job); or a life-threatening event, (car accident, assault, witnessing or being a victim of a random shooting). Or less severe situations like applying for a job or asking someone out on a date. Our brain’s initial response to challenges is fight, flight, or freeze. Why? Our conscious mind likes to stay in a comfort zone. It is designed to keep us safe.
As mentioned in the introduction, I’m a radio/TV show host. Mel Robbins was one of my early guests. For those of you who are not familiar with Mel Robbins, she has spent the past decade inspiring, motivating, coaching, and elevating people around the world. Her practical, no-nonsense advice has changed the lives of millions with a blueprint on how to take charge of your life and conquer everyday challenges.
In our interview, one of her key points was “When you are stuck, or at a cross-road in life, the major task is deciding if you’re going to change at all. The challenge is finding the ability, in the face of an overwhelming amount of resistance (fight, flight or freeze), to create a small change in your life and build on it.”
Now let’s think about that statement. To me the key word is if. She didn’t say, when you change or you must change, she said, “deciding if you are going to change.” Too often in our personal and business life we become overwhelmed with a sense of doom. How many times have you heard someone say “It is what it is and nothing I can do is going to change the situation?” And then instead of reaching out to people who can help us, we become paralyzed by fear and uncertainty.
The second point she made was: If you have the courage to start, you have the courage to succeed.
Resilience is deciding to create that small change in your life and build upon it. Resilience is picking up the pieces and moving forward. When we do this, more times than not better times and better people will come into our life.
I believe we hold the power to change, improve, and find strategic partners, mentors, or advisors who can assist us in changing the trajectory of our life or business – IF we have the courage to start.
Let’s consider Thomas Edison.
When a reporter asked Thomas Edison how he felt about his 1,000 failures concerning the bulb, Edison replied, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.
Great success is built on failure, frustration, even catastrophe.” Today we take the lightbulb for light granted. We switch it on without giving a second thought to all the failures that created the success at our fingertips.
Each of Edison’s failures was a rock just below the waters of success. As he stepped on those rocks, 1,000 times, his critics expected him to sink. Perhaps to some people who appreciate that he did not give up after all those failures, instead of sinking, Edison walks on water.
The failures and setbacks we endure are kept out of the public because the stepping-stones of failure are seldom celebrated.
Getting stuck is inevitable – staying stuck is a choice
In one of my best-selling books Business & Personal Secrets for Getting Unstuck I wrote:
At times we all get stuck. Maybe you feel stuck in a dead-end job, or your job was a victim of COVID or shipped overseas; you live in an area you don’t enjoy; your personal life is floundering; the life that you want is moving further and further from reality. You might think, I can’t catch a break, or maybe you never got the right opportunity. Does any of this sound familiar? Be honest! We have all been there.
No matter how good your life is going, at some point, you will feel stuck. Remember this getting stuck is inevitable, but staying stuck is a choice.
I recently read a statement by David Whyte. He wrote, “Always sweating the small stuff and playing life safe limits what you can achieve. Anything that does not bring you alive is too small for you.”
I found myself stuck many times throughout my professional and personal life. It is terrible to feel you have no options and the life you are stuck in is as good as life is going to get.
“Despite whatever disappointing experiences come our way, our challenge will be not to let bitterness take root. Although disappointment is inevitable, being discouraged is always a choice.” – Manfred Kets de Vries
Practical Strategies for Building Resiliency:
- Embrace challenges as opportunities for growth.
- Develop a “failure as a feedback” mindset.
- Build routines that prioritize emotional and physical well-being.
Key Takeaway: “Resiliency isn’t about avoiding failure; it’s about using it as a springboard for growth.”
