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Struggling

Oh Wow! I had no idea it was going on two weeks since my last post. I have been wiped out since performing in the last play on Feb. 22nd. That’s the thing about Fibromyalgia that is the worst. Even if you get to do what you love, you end up paying for it as you witness your body betray you. I’m not complaining but simply stating the facts. Those who thankfully don’t suffer from this, don’t understand that.

Right now, I’m exhausted. So much has been happening in my life that triggers stress, which triggers pain, which triggers fatigue. There’s no way around it.

Fibromyalgia is difficult because nothing really makes it better for me. With the Opioid Crisis in America, no doctors really want to hand out pain medicine for prolonged periods of time. And if you are anything like me, as a patient, you don’t want to take opioids for a long time.

With so much stress, it’s difficult to sleep. Even if I sleep, I’m not getting restorative sleep. I need to find something non-habit-forming that will allow me to sleep soundly enough so my body and mind can reset themselves for the next day. I was told by one of my doctors that not getting restorative sleep causes you to lose memories because your brain is constantly trying to play catch-up. This is why on a Thursday evening, you may find yourself thinking it’s Tuesday. You are literally losing whole days of memory.

I take Ibuprofen 800mg for pain twice a day. I’ve weaned myself from the morphine sulfate my pain specialist had me on. I think without something to decrease inflammation, the morphine can’t possibly stop the pain. So I’ll have to wait until I can make my appointments regularly, (have transportation) before I can get back to finding something that works with him.

Sometimes I wake up from dreams in the mornings and don’t remember them until later that night when they come to me in flashes like tonight. This is from not getting enough sleep. So tonight, I’m putting down the phone, laptop, and tuning out Facebook and Instagram to get some much-deserved rest. I haven’t quite figured out how to overcome insomnia, but with this rain falling right now, the cool air from my fan, and the quietness in my house, hopefully, it will evade me tonight. I know one thing, I’m tired and my tired is tired.

I have a lot to do tomorrow and many to take care of, so good night all, sleep tight, and if you believe in the power of prayer, whisper one for me.

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Valerie Collins
Valerie Collinshttps://mypoeticlifebook.wordpress.com/
Valerie Collins was born in Tucson, Az, the last of six children. She has loved writing since a child but decided to pursue a career in Orthopedic nursing. Shortly after her marriage and birth of her first child at the age of 22, she was diagnosed with the chronic pain disease, Fibromyalgia, its subsequent conditions, illnesses, and syndromes. Once the disease disabled her in 2001, she revisited her passion for writing poetry and short stories and has accumulated over 100 poems and spoken word pieces over the years. She became a member of the International Society of poets in 2002 and The International Who's Who in Poetry in 2006. She currently is a member of Realistic Poetry International, Who's Who Among American Business Women, and Women of Facebook Create. Her accolades include 2005 Poet of the Year. She was awarded both the Outstanding Achievement Award in Poetry and the Official Commemorative Poetry Ambassador Medal while serving as a Poetry Ambassador associate in 2007. She wrote a play entitled “Fix Me Jesus” in 2012 for Alabama 1st COGIC State AIM Youth Convention Competition drama category which was awarded second place. Currently, she is in rehearsals for her second stage play for the local playwright, Shawna D. Moore which will be on stage in August 2019. She is in the process of compiling a two-volume poetry book entitled My Poetic Life: A Memoir of Love and a book detailing her life with Fibromyalgia, entitled Behind the Walls of Silence. In July 2018, she created her first blog site My Poetic Life (The Book) as @vfurrmstheblogger to act as a launch for both books and it has taken on a life of its own. She also owns a small crochet business, Val's Gifts of Warmth, where she sells her handmade crochet items.

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19 CONVERSATIONS

  1. Valerie, from one who suffers insomnia frequently, my best sleep comes when I have tiptoed down the stairs at 1 a.m. after only crawling into bed at 11, and find myself picking up some spiritual reading, in a room that is quiet, only the ticking of the clock, I read till 3 a.m. now crawling back into bed so as not wake my husband, and sleep comes.

    • Sounds so peaceful. I really need to get back to reading my Bible. I don’t like having to take something to sleep.

  2. Valerie – I do not suffer from Fibromyalgia – but your posts shed a light on something I had no clue about. Thank you for sharing your pain. And your struggles. While I know expressing your thoughts can’t make the physical pain go away, I hope it helps alleviate some of the stress on your plate. I was having sleeping problems and my therapist turned me on to Yoga Nidra. I use the Insight Timer app on my phone each night. It’s been such a blessing. I don’t know if it’ll help you at all, but figured I should pass on something that worked for me.

    Keep fighting the good fight! You are stronger than you know. <3

    • JoAnna,
      Thank you. A huge part of my reason for writing is to help educate people about this disease so when they encounter someone with it, they will be empathetic to their situation. My family used to think I was pretending or faking being sick until a few of them started experiencing chronic pain and we’re diagnosed themselves. Thank you for your encouraging words.

  3. I have you in prayers Valerie. Pain comes in many forms. Many we can’t express. We try to explain to a certain degree, but nobody knows what’s inside of me.
    I don’t know if it helps but melatonin and magnesium have helped me at times. Plus some meditations I have used for sleep therapy. There’s a few on youtube I like.

    • Paula,
      Thank you. You are in my prayers. You are so right. No one understands fully if they are not in our shoes. Regardless of the cause, chronic pain is difficult to live with. I have been using LivCana Premium Full Spectrum Hemp Oil +MCT to help me sleep lately but I’m out of it and will try melatonin and magnesium. I have got to get some rest. Thank you for these suggestions, your kind words, and prayers.

    • Larry,
      Thank you so much. Yes, I do know and feel you all supporting me and sending healing my way. Thank you so much! ♥️♥️

  4. Valerie, thank you for this hauntingly bittersweet tale. I hope your beautiful prose expels some of the pain you endure regularly. As someone who lives with someone with chronic pain and has had many clients who suffer, I humbly say, ”Healing thoughts and prayers to you for some relief.”💖

    • Darlene,
      Thank you. I need all the healing thoughts and prayers I can get right now. I’m sorry you go through the pain through the person you love each day. Our partners experience this pain and side effects right along with us. You all are never praised enough!! I thank you! You rock!!

  5. Valerie – My prayers are with you as you struggle with terrible disease. A dear friend of mine suffers for this and would use me as a sounding board for her frustration with all the side effects of the disease and treatment. And I truly understand your problems associated with the lack of sleep. My wife had had several health problems recently and I have been going on 3 hours of interrupted sleep each day. I wish I had a solution for you but I will pray for healing, sleep, and pain you can manage.

    • Len,
      Thank you for your prayers. I took care of my granddaughter for 4 days and I am so wiped out I can hardly function. I am praying for your friend who suffers from this disease. I know she is thankful to have you. Sometimes all we need is a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen without judgement. You are amazing for being that to someone.

  6. Valerie, you have suffered so much for so long. Fibromyalgia has tortured you for so long yet each time you are able to pull yourself up while pushing yourself up. You have an incredibly strong will that puts you past the suffering. I have long since admired your strength and resolve. G-d puts us all through many tests in life to see if we still believe in him and have faith in him. You have undoubtedly passed those tests. To help you sleep you may want t ask your doctor about Mirtazapine. It helps you sleep while alleviating anxiety. It is not addicting nor does it have any strong side effects that I have noticed or felt. Your words mean so much to so many. I hope you will continue to write and share and share them. Take care and be well.

    • Joel,
      Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes I don’t feel very strong but I know that the Lord is with me. I am thankful for friends like you all. You all give me strength.

    • Valerie, thank you for your response to my comment. You probably don’t realize it but you give us strength. It is a pleasure to know you.

    • You’re welcome, Joel. I must admit I didn’t know that but it’s nice to know. It’s a pleasure to know you as well.

    • When you see somebody like yourself struggle with a condition or a disease and keep fighting the amount of inspiration you are giving others is great.

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