For those who know me, you might say, “She speaks her mind and is honest; like it or not.” When I tell you, I bolted awake with today’s subject, I did. Most messages come to me this way. One of my most recent happened at 3:33 a.m. when I sat straight up in bed and blurted out James Redfield’s name. I was told to reach out to him to write the Foreword for my first book. I did. He did.
Before starting, I ask you not to judge my content nor the ‘look-ups’ I selected. I simply am sharing bits of myself with you and the references/sources that spoke to me (there are several-ugh).
Today’s bolt from slumber resurrected me like Jesus out of his tomb.
Racing to the computer to get down my words, I immediately realized the potential backlash yet felt an urgency to share this experience with you. Word bubbles kept smashing my head. As the Keurig spit out my java, my impatience for my computer to wake up increased my anxiety.
First popped in an image of a rainbow. Next, Somewhere Over the Rainbow jingled in my ears. Then I saw the four song words written on a wall except the word Over was crossed out, and the word Under was written above it. The message was telling me to share my opinions and level of knowledge or lack thereof for the LGBTQ community of which was my first ‘lookup.’
I knew I missed a few letters in the acronym as I had recently seen so on my phone. IA+ has been added. LGBTQIA+. [1] Is this a universal language of which I will never understand the need for?
Why am I so afraid to do something or say something wrong? I don’t even know if I should put she/her on my social media platforms. I appear frozen. Is my indecision because I am not forced to understand more?
Is it because I have unconsciously declared it doesn’t matter what I am or are the preferences of others? I know this subject isn’t simple. Hate me, but I just wish from the bottom of my heart that at times we were all blind so some of our physical behaviors or appearances would not be used to determine our soul. Being overweight, sexual desires, and other visual discriminations should die off. Love is love, isn’t it?
Oh boy, I am a hot mess.
These questions then screeched at me. Am I naïve? Am I ignorant? Or am I stupid? My next two lookups were to clearly understand the differences. By definition, naivety is a lack of worldly experience or understanding; clueless.[2] Ignorance is a display of lacking knowledge. And, well there is stupid which is an inefficient mental capacity.[3] Which am I right now? With today’s subject, let’s go with a bit of all three.
The compilation of words about to flow onto a piece of electronic parchment may cause controversy, shock, or change your opinions of me. My intentions are to spark conversation, heighten awareness and share the colors to my curiosity, not evoke contempt.
When I was a teenager, my mother let me paint a rainbow on my closet wall. Not on the doors, but literally inside the closet behind my clothes on the wall. Such a peculiar spot. After all, no one could see it.
This innocent rainbow location and the symbol it represents in today’s world are quite metaphoric. Unknowingly, the term coming “out of the closet” and the understanding of the rainbow symbol required another lookup (apparently my favorite word of the day). [4][5] Clearly, my mother’s intention was, “Girl, go paint the song you like in a place no one can see it because I am scared to death of your skill level right now.” That simple.
Somewhere Over The Rainbow was in my Top 20 favorite songs to listen to. Commonly, I grabbed my hairbrush (mic) and sang back-up with Judy Garland while staring at myself in the mirror. You will laugh, but the version bouncing around the school hallways at this time was Sam Harris’s 1984 Star Search performance. It was breathtaking. Still one of my favorite versions.
As I took a sip of coffee and looked up at the robin making absolutely ridiculous belts from the pine tree in my backyard, I realized my client base has been about 1% non-heterosexual. Then I thought, “How in crying out loud H, E, double toothpick, do you even know someone’s sexuality if not declared?” Meaning, that I am using the numbers of those clients that have shared their preferences while we worked through relationship strategies. For those who did not share their preferences during our relationship conversations, am I naïve or ignorant as not to know? Both! Does it matter? Can I ask a client?[6] (next lookup: Should I ask? Does it matter? Would it be helpful because the struggles and societal challenges are not the same? Right? How could I even coach, I am heterosexual? Now I appear to be all three – naïve, ignorant, and stupid? UGH!
Forty years later after signing with Sam Harris at the top of my lungs, I am driven to analyze the song’s lyrics, and they no longer mean the same. Yes, when they first danced in my head at dawn, they resurrected memories, but my views have – to me. As I read them, and felt them, I realized I may have had no clue what they meant years ago.[7] I simply liked the melody because I liked the Wizard of Oz.
Shocking to me were the similarities of Dorothy’s desire to leave Kansas with those fighting today who want to be seen, heard, and loved. For some, the song lyrics mean there is life beyond the clouds and rainbows; death is not the end. To me, this morning, I thought of those who do not fall into my sexual preference community or of which I do not fall into theirs.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There’s a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true
Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh, why can’t I?
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh, why can’t I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can’t I?
“Where troubles melt like lemon drops…” These lyrics nearly brought tears to my eyes. Birds fly, so why or why can’t I? Shouldn’t we all be allowed to fly?
The message for me today must have been – get out from Under the Rainbow! It is time. I strive to learn more.
[1] https://gaycenter.org/about/lgbtq/
[2] https://www.yourdictionary.com/naive
[3] https://askanydifference.com/difference-between-stupid-and-ignorant/
[4] https://theweek.com/articles/464753/where-did-phrase-come-closet-come-from
[5] https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-does-the-rainbow-mean-for-gays
[6] https://www.eeoc.gov/prohibited-employment-policiespractices
[7] https://www.shmoop.com/study-guides/music/over-the-rainbow/meaning#:~:text=Just%20before%20her%20dream%20takes,relevant%20to%20the%20late%201930s.
