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Shattered Innocence (Part 3): The Closet

Secrets, I don’t know when it all started exactly. The abuse, the sex games. I know it wasn’t too long after we moved to the farm. My older brother conned me into playing games with him. Like strip poker. In return, he showed me attention and gave me little presents. I was only around eight when that all started.

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Shattered Innocence (Part 2): The Farmhouse

As far as I can remember, however, I often wonder if I have blocked things that happened prior to this. I was not old enough to realize it was sex games. All I knew was someone noticed me and paid attention to me. He always told me not to tell mom and dad as they would be mad.

We all knew how dad was when he got mad. He’d start hollering and looking for something to hit you with. Just a look from dad could put chills going down your spine. No, it was to be our secret. Our bedroom shared a closet with his and he had a single room. I would go to bed before my sister when I was younger. He would go up to his room early. Somehow I always ended up in that dam closet that led into his room. I have no memory of losing my virginity to this day. But I do remember a time my brother penetrated me. We were in the closet. He had climaxed and pulled out and I thought he had peed on me. I remember crying, yelling at him, and pounding my little fist on him until they were red because he peed on me. I felt so ashamed. I didn’t want to play that game anymore. I never played that game again because I was afraid, he would pee on me again. I felt demoralized. How could my brother do that? Why would he pee on me? I realize now what it was.

Back then I didn’t know better. I was a little lost lonely girl that just wanted to be loved. Lost within a family of nine children looking for love. I thought he loved me because he showed me attention. I didn’t learn about my body until ninth grade in gym class. I was fifteen then. Mom never had that talk about the birds and the bees with me. When I finally realized what was going on, I was 14 years old, and I put a stop to it. I was confused and hurt and angry at the world. I felt filthy and betrayed by someone I should have been able to trust. My older brother was supposed to protect me. Not use me. And angry at my parents for not protecting me from him. My God, I’d had sex with my brother. Why in God’s name didn’t mom warn me about these things? And that was how people had babies. I could barely look anyone in the eyes.

I just felt like crawling down into a deep dark hole and burying myself in it. I wished my brother were dead! Hell, I wished I were dead. The unspeakable things he did to me when I was so young and naive. I was always afraid when he played those games with me. He was always reassuring me it was okay he wasn’t going to hurt me. I never knew back then; I would never have any children of my own. I would have it robbed from me and cheated all because of his greedy need to control me and use me like a ragdoll to be tossed away. To meet his own selfish needs. I would have bad dreams at night that someone was coming to get me and do awful things to my body. Probing me. No wonder I was always so quiet, shy, and confused. Always wearing those long shirts to cover me and never anything showing off my thin figure.

And there were the notes left on my door at 16. Offering to pay me money to sleep with him. He was engaged at the time to be married. I was enraged and scared. I would lock my door at night and barricade my closet. To think he inserted things into my vagina. Is unthinkable for me now. I know that is why I am all scarred up inside. The doctors told me I have endometriosis, but it was those horrible objects he used to insert in me. I don’t recall what all he used. To this day I blame him for not being able to have any children.

I had to detach myself from the events to go on like nothing had happened to shatter my innocence. My world turned upside down. All because I was afraid that if my parents would find out there would be hell to pay and who knew what would happen?

Would they blame me? Was I guilty in some sick way? I never told mom or dad I kept it a secret all those years until I turned twenty. This too haunts me even to this day. Which I will be revisiting in a later chapter. Just writing this is bringing back vivid memories that are unbearable to think about and I feel like I am once again being stripped naked in front of the entire world to stare at me in disbelief. It isn’t fair. I just want to shout at the world and show how angry I am at my innocence being shattered and stolen away from me like it was.  I know it had a profound effect on my other life choices. And the hard lessons I learnt along the way. I had formed an opinion about men at a very young age and they weren’t to be trusted and yet….

To be continued…

©Eva Marie Ann Cagley


Authors Notes: 

The cycle of abuse needs to be stopped it stops with you speaking out!  I never found my voice until I was 24 and had a nervous breakdown. As frightening as it is to come forward find someone you can trust to tell your story to. Parents, speak to your kids about sex and sexual abuse. Back then we were never taught about good touch bad touch…And when someone does tell you please, please believe them. Don’t sweep it under the rug. 

Even in today’s society, there is too much of that still going on.   I will relive finding my voice in a later chapter.  Just know it is not your fault and it’s okay to tell. Even if it has to be a school counselor or teacher that will listen to you.  Speaking out now for myself is finding my voice and stopping the cycle of abuse.  

I can only pray no one else was abused by him.  I cry out now for all that have been sexually abused and mentally. In hopes that you too can find your voice and no longer be a victim but a survivor. Let’s let our voices be heard and stand tall. We are not alone. Let’s stand united a voice for all the abused children. We can no longer afford to remain silent.  

 BREAK THE CYCLE OF ABUSE! 

Eva Marie Cagley
Eva Marie Cagleyhttps://authorevamariecagley.com/
Eva Marie Ann Cagley was born in 1958 to Frank and Priscilla Cagley. Raised in Waterloo Iowa, U.S. She spent most of her time working with teenagers as a counselor. Working with teenagers gave her immense joy, having had none of her own… She came from a large family having nine children. She has always had a passion for writing and believes it is a gift from God… There's little else to say about her as her writing reflects who she is. Her beliefs, perspectives, trials, tribulations hope and despair, dreams of all her life’s journeys…She currently has five poetry books published and a Miracle story. Her poetry and essays are on various ezines and blogs. Her poetry books can be purchased, on Amazon and Lulu. Book titles: “In the Garden of My Mind,” “Dancing in Heaven,” “The Airwaves of My Soul,” “Where Poets Dream,” I Shall Always Think of You,” “God's Miracle Story.” Her personal web page is authorevamariecagley.com. She is in the book “To Be or Not to Be a Writer” by, Sweetycat Press publications. Available on Amazon. Who's Who of Emerging Writers 2021 published by Sweetycat Press. Also available on Amazon. The Beacon Ezine, (Poetry). Spillwords (Poetry) Honor of Socialite of the year 2021. The Academy of the Heart and Mind, (Poetry and essay). Wink Writers in The Know Magazine & Blog (Essay and poetry). Journey of the Heart, (Poetry). Wildfire Publications LLC, Inc. (Poetry and articles). Grey Thoughts, (Essays, Poetry). The New Zealand Blog (Articles and poetry). She has also been found in numerous anthologies. You can find the links to all her published works at https://linktr.ee/EvaMarieCagley. She currently authors articles for Wildfire Publications LLC quarterly Magazine. And is a Featured Contributor for BizCatalyst 360°. She has always had the desire to write and takes her work seriously. She has just recently become aggressive by submitting her work. She is pleased with her success!

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