We are experts at fooling ourselves and hiding from changes we need to make. However, every once in a while, we get a message that we can’t ignore. I had that experience several months ago, and I am just coming to terms with it now.
As is evident in my other writing, I am a big advocate for self-exploration. One tool I use for self-exploration is the retreat. I went to a retreat with the theme: “Our Deepest Longing”. I have gone to retreats like this for years, and I always get something out of it. In this case, as the retreat began, I felt uncomfortable with the topic. Something deep inside me was bothered. The material was not controversial or offensive. I just felt something wrong deep inside me.
How could something as big as world peace be someone’s deepest longing? How could people be so flippant with their answers?
A big part of this particular program is sharing thoughts and feelings. I typically participate. In this case, I had nothing to say. Other participants were sharing their deepest longings in general terms. An example of the general longing was longing for world peace. We all want world peace, but I could not take it seriously. How could something as big as world peace be someone’s deepest longing? How could people be so flippant with their answers? I wanted to lash out, which surprised me. I usually am very welcoming to different responses. Everyone is at a different point in their journey. I didn’t understand why I felt this hostility.
Whether you think epiphanies come from God, or your subconscious or from universal forces, I learned that they are real. I had an epiphany. I had a revelation so strong that it took me months to come to terms with it. I am on the wrong path.
When considering my deepest longing, the only thing I could come up with was my deepest longing is to get through the week.
This epiphany shook me to the core. I needed to step back and revisit what I am doing with my life. I am still struggling with that question, but I am making progress.
Have you heard a message? Are you hiding from it, or are you addressing it? I was shopping a few weeks ago. The store was crowded, and I was stuck with a cart with a bad wheel. It was so bad that it was jarring as I pushed the cart through the store. It felt like the clunking wheel was so loud that people were looking at me. I realized that is how I was going through life. The discomforting hole in my life that I uncovered in the retreat was a constant presence in my life. The feeling was like the damaged wheel on the cart, in the background, a continuous negative rhythm affecting my life.
What is your longing? Is being on the wrong path crushing your spirit? Take the time to reflect and to understand what you want to do with your life. Determine your purpose and achieve your goals.