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Self-Belonging, Self-Talk, & Optimal Performance

4000 to 40, where we share our worlds

This is how we share each other’s worlds. In a collision at 4000 words a minute when alone in our own minds, and also when we talk together, at 40 words a minute. We’re designed to survive together in belonging. And for good and bad, we’re designed not to unbelong. To unbelong is to die. Well, to our brains. This is the superpower that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. It doesn’t come from the intellectual judging mind, though it is informed by it. That judge part of our brain simply takes too long, and over an extended period of time, exhausts the brain. We’d get hit by a bus before getting out of the way. Not catch a cue from an ally that we needed to see in an instant.

We get saved by our high-speed gator mind that evades danger in an instant. We get saved by our high-speed gator mind that grabs opportunity in an instant. The speed to relate in belonging from and for our personal Us Story.

Self-belonging gets hard, because, when it’s done outside of belonging with others, our self-talk happens only at 4000 words a minute, and most often from a place of fear.

Inside of belonging, our purposeful conversations at 40 words per minute rewire our brains as we experience (feel, own, and care for) each other’s worlds. At this speed, the more dominant and pessimistic brain pathways can be avoided by choice. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. The more of this we do, the more we burn in our positive pathways of choice, into easier availability for when they’re needed. And this is where our performance begins to really shift. Our gator brains, where our performance reactions and autonomic decisions are made, love these easier-to-access neural pathways of least resistance. These pathways get the nod. Your experience with them in your self-belonging head space, when reflected upon, or, in future anticipation, gives you a boost of oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, your high-performing, Team OS neurochemicals. Here’s the kicker, you start getting access to those positive pathways at the 4000 words a minute speed.

Optimal Performance

Remember the shit that your self-talk said you had to fix before he could move forward? In self-belonging, your self-talk now comes from your innerittybittygrittycommittee, and, from your gator brain at 4000 words a minute. In a split second your capable self-talk speaks, “you don’t need to be perfect, just keep forking going, you got this. Hell, it might even just skip to, “you got this, GO!”

a little self-talk exercise

We’re going to avoid the “what would you need” to do something question. That sets the stage for, you can’t do something until the need is met? Kind of an accidental fixed mindset trap that happens with our language. Words matter.

Start with this question: (do the whole exercise speaking out loud, at 40 words per minute)

What would it take for you to be ok with your (fill-in the blank- sh!t)? And still go forward.

Probe everywhere? Internal things, external? Self-acceptance, outside affirmation? There are no wrong answers here. In my experience with clients, they start shifting into being ok with their sh!t as they move into self-belonging. It’s kind of funny how naturally it happens also. The mere talking about the sh!t at the slower speed, allows us to see our self-judgment, the un-belonging of ourselves. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “you know, when I listen to myself saying this out loud, I don’t deserve this.”

No, this isn’t an easy space to belong when our self-condemning talking practices have been historically so self-shaming. It’s hard to feel, own, and care for ourselves when we haven’t for so long. When we’ve told that story to ourselves, for too long.

But you will shift.

And when you land in the felt space of, “I’m ok, and I’m enough, with this sh!t,” ask yourself this question:

Do I have to be fixed to continue moving forward toward my dream?

If you want to experience this sometime, reach out to me. We’ll spend a little time together in belonging, dig a bit into your self-belonging, and see where your self-talk, can move you to the next level of your performance.

Paul Haury
Paul Hauryhttps://www.heartbasedleading.com/
Belonging Coach & Evangelist for Heart-Based Leadership in Workplace Culture & Happiness. I’m a coach, a mentor, an optimist that nerds-out on all things in the social-behavioral and neurosciences for what motivates us in how we can be better, and, get us to with whom and where we belong. The paths that get us there follow roads of vulnerable togetherness, kind and honest challenges in personal accountability, and a deep curious appreciation for being wholly human in full potential. It’s here, where we land on the good side of our fears and aspirations, and make our dreams happen. We’ll never do anything as well, as when we’re doing what we’re doing with and for those we love. I help people create their own unique spaces to go farther and higher in their individual brilliance than they ever could alone.

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