I was at a point in my life that it was time to embark on a new journey. Having enjoyed success in another venture that came to an end a void was left that I had to fill. This journey took me to a place where I slowly evolved and grew. It wasn’t initially clear what direction I would take on. Soon it was clear that my role would be to touch as many people as possible with words. These would not be just any words as they began to emanate from inside of me.
It would soon come to be that I would put my innermost thoughts and feelings on display. A part of me that I kept hidden from view for so long came out. The constant feelings of anguish, despair, coupled with an inability to smile or laugh. You recognized these feelings as I put them in front of you so would know where I am at this point in my life.
At times I found value in being alone and wanting to continue to be alone. The question that arose was are these simply morose feeling or a precursor to an abrupt ending by my own hand. What I discovered was writing words at least temporarily would give me a small sense of pleasure. There was certain satisfaction I felt knowing I had created something. When a new article was published a sensation of disbelief would penetrate me. Could this really have come from me? What led me to say whatever it was that I said perhaps meaning or perhaps not meaning to say.
My suggestion to myself was to just let it happen. Seated in a brown office chair that the years had to take a toll on with a dimly lit light that my eyes demanded of me to keep on. Well into the night or the early morning when the rumbling of subway trains rushing by would alert me that a new day has begun even though I had not ended the previous day. Many nights would follow suit as a new habitual ritual was formed.
So many things we take for granted thinking there would never be an end. An end there would be as news broke which spoke to me in clarity that an end would soon be coming. This end though not slated to be permanent perpetuated prevailing thoughts that I was on the outside looking back or looking in yearning to take another taste of what it was like then. The hunger for recognition or acknowledgment I would be without elicited visions I had seen of flickering candles taking their last moments of usefulness as they danced and disappeared.
There was no sense in prolonging my denial. Now as I bear witness to each sweeping second hand of the clock that is perched on the wall above the couch in my living room that was home to nights spent just dreaming of that which I wanted but would never have, never escaping the dream stage on the way to the imminent arrival of that dreaded moment. That day would not unexpectedly come where an ending was needed as it was time to say hello to goodbye. This from a person who abhorred saying goodbye or being led to acquaint myself to a stranger.
So many of you became so dear to me yet I lacked the courage to express that to you. It was almost as if you had always been there even though that was not the case. You mesmerized me with the depths of ideas that so smoothly transitioned from a phase in the process onto another phase. Your passions propelled you into a must-read writer over what has been said. While we are segregated in our cozy corners of the world we exist in we are but a space on a page away from each other. Hath I not meant the linguistics of my language would I heretofore bring them to you?
A bubble of blood on my finger which was the result of the sting of a purple colored lancet from whence a number would soon appear only to vanish seconds later. This drop contained many cells which serve as a reminder you are cells of wisdom each in your own way.You will be going soon as I shalt do the same. Whilst it is far too premature to say we will all be together again soon that hope is worth clinging to. More words with less time to go.
There exists not an eloquent way to say hello to goodbye. Goodbye is not my friend but neither is hello on many occasions. Each of the aforementioned signals my heart to begin palpitating. If you care to know why this is so please note I do not know why. Just as I understand why this time had to come to pass I still persistently wrestle with my urge not to loathe this time. Nothing was ever guaranteed so it was incumbent on me to understand that. Yet I did not, preferring instead to keep living in my own land of make believe as if this were a fantasy when in fact it was not that at all.
When I look out the window to the left of me I see barren branches with a smattering of snow on the ground. Where a tree bearing sweet smelling fruit that beckoned the birds to build their homes on now sits devoid of everything except nothing. Nothing is all you are left with when you say hello to goodbye as finality is implied. The exit door will swing open for you to walk through it moments before it shuts and is locked down tight.
This is my exercise in learning to just say goodbye minus the need to put a creative spin on it. The creative side of me will not allow for that but that is just too bad! So much of what I wrote was interdependent of my eyes taking a picture of something giving way to build something from that so it could be presented to all of you.
It matters not at this conjecture what social media outlet we connected from. Be you from LinkedIn, Facebook or who knows where else we met the fact remains we met and here we are. Except now instead of time supporting our efforts to get to know each other we must now say goodbye. We may or may not “bump into each other” in a group or chat but will it be the same or feel the same as it did before?
Change is a constant people like me have a disdain for. Changes have come in the past. Everything from getting married, becoming a father, migrating from one career to another or trying to accept that my sister and my parents are no longer living. Those differations still hurt me. No, I do not pretend my emotions from this series of occurrences will ebb anytime soon. Just as a camel stores water I store my past while retaining the right to re-run them when I feel the need to do so.
While I could ramble and babble the night away I will opt for the nightly battle to let sleep take me over. Despite the stretches of rough roads I had to maneuver around I am proud of where I am now. So too I am proud of what I was able to do and hope to be able to do once again someday. This is not my version of setting the stage to go away. Rather I want to thank all of you because I feel it is necessary to say thank you to all even if there never was any communication between us. So, my friends, I will say hello to goodbye one final time. I hope to see you on the other end.
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