A good conversation can lift our spirits, spark our imagination, and lead to unexpected breakthroughs. Yet talking can also be the most dangerous thing we do, according to psychologists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. A simple exchange can easily turn into a minefield of misunderstanding. It can then break a marriage, hurt a child, derail a friendship, or disrupt a whole community.
That’s why Harville and Helen created Relationships First, a nationwide organization that teaches people how to listen (a skill that’s surprisingly rare) and avoid polarization.
This husband and wife team has written more than ten books on relationship, including the best sellers Getting the Love You Want, Keeping the Love You Find, and Giving the Love that Heals. They are also the creators of Imago Therapy, an approach that addresses the childhood patterns we keep repeating as adults. In the last 40 years, their work has spread to 53 countries, with over 2500 practitioners. Now they’ve taken on a new and ambitious project: Teaching Safe Conversations and establishing a welcoming space where people can learn how to move past their differences.
Their plan is to help not just couples but whole communities. The reason we need to think broader, they say, is that we all fall short when dealing with strangers—the more different we are, the most uncomfortable we become. And the stakes are especially high when we interact with those from other social groups.
Consider the case of Sandra Bland, an African-American woman who was pulled over for a minor traffic violation in 2015. Bland was driving home from Chicago to West Texas to take a job at her Alma Mater, Prairie View A&M when a white police officer pulled her over for failing to signal as she changed lanes. What happened next was captured on the patrol car’s dashcam. In The New Yorker, Margaret Talbot says this encounter “has the quality of a nightmare because it starts off too routinely and goes so badly.” Then she describes the dialogue that led to Bland’s arrest.