Rock Bottom to Awareness

A few weeks after the issue in November, the dust settled and life came back to normal. My career was intact and my overwhelming emotions had resolved.  And as families reached out to me for support to help their special needs children with anxiety a huge realization happened within.  And I finally realized bullying was part of my past that I had never recognized or recalled.  And I never would have realized that truth about my past if this challenge wasn’t placed in my path.  That customer through me off course because it was time for me to evolve and grow from that experience.  It was time for me to process the past and let go of those negative feelings that no longer serve me.  And I needed to realize that I had the power to decide if I would let people push my buttons.  I was finally in charge and I didn’t need to allow others to impact my emotional state or drain my energy anymore.

It is ironic because I knew that I needed to set boundaries, I even talk about it in my book, “The Truth about IBS and Anxiety.”  But I didn’t realize I needed to set clear boundaries with everyone including strangers.  It is funny how sometimes you need a slap in the face to wake up and see the clear picture in front of you.  It all worked out in the end and I learned from my mistakes.  But it took a while for the truth of this experience to enter my conscious mind.  And it all happened this week as a much more obvious obstacle came in my way.  And sometimes the challenge is a wakeup call.

This week those pesky negative thoughts were pushing me once again. It all became clear after I literally fell on my butt.  This time it wasn’t an event that made me stumble and fall.  It wasn’t an argument or confrontation.  It was literally an internal fight within my mind that threw me off balance.  Let’s just say it started 20 minutes before the moment I lost my balance and fell on my butt.  And it occurred because I wasn’t practicing what I teach.  I wasn’t transforming the negative voice in my head.  I wasn’t using my awareness to set myself free from the stress.  Instead, I was letting the negative voice take over my emotions and creating a sense of hopelessness once again.

Some people might call this negative voice, Chatty Cathy, but I call her Negative Nancy.  Or for the gentlemen I call him Negative Norm.

Let’s just say Negative Nancy was on overdrive in my mind and those thoughts were getting in my way.  And since I wasn’t paying attention, I was about to get a rude awakening. It was time for me to practice what I preach but I wasn’t listening or observing the message. I was falling back into my stress cycle and I needed a wakeup call to see it.  Something had to give for me to see clearly.

And boom the signs were all about to become super clear once everything fell apart.  I stubbed my big toe. My subconscious mind didn’t budge and I kept allowing Negative Nancy to take over.  And as the helplessness grew in my mind, my anxiety began to take over.  My emotions of frustration were building and I was getting grumpy for no apparent reason.  The day had been beautiful, peaceful, and relaxing but I was not feeling relaxed at all.  My mind was stuck on negative overdrive for no apparent reason.  The message was going to be very different this time.  And boom I stubbed my pinkie toe with metal.  This bump made me see stars as the sharp pain radiated up my body.  It was so hard there was an instant hematoma.  It hurt so bad I had to breathe deeply to catch my breath.  It took a few minutes to get blood flow back to my head because the pain was overwhelming.   I was seeing black spots as the pain slowly resolved itself.  A few minutes later I realized my toe was bleeding and went to clean it up.  But my negative mind was still at full force and things were about to tumble quickly.

I had no idea that I was going to experience an epiphany as my life flashed before my eyes.

I had my right foot on the counter as I tried to clean my pinkie toe. I leaned over to reach for a tissue paper that was just inches away from me. But my body was not stable or balanced.  And suddenly I lost my balance and my life flashed before my eyes.  I tried to grab the toilet and stop the tumble to the floor.  It all happened in super slow motion as I remembered all the other times I had fallen and injured myself over the last 40+ years.  I slowly went down twisting in midair till my butt hit the toilet rim. After the sharp intense thump on my butt and hip, I stumbled to the ground.  I laid on the ground for several minutes taking it all in.  I took deep breaths to regain my vision and energy.  It took some deep breathing to relieve the intense sharp pain in my lower back and butt. In this brief moment of breathing and reflecting, I realized that each of these injuries could have been avoided.

All of those events were under my control but I had chosen to let the negative voice take over.  I avoided using my awareness to set me free from the stress and the stress clouded my vision.  It is interesting how life literally needs to throw a curveball for you to see clearly.

I took it all in.  Step by step from the moment I walked out of the car feeling stressed out.  I was worried about something.  And the impending doom made those negative thoughts and emotions go haywire in my brain.  And when your mind goes haywire everything goes off balance.  It literally throws your entire day off balance.  I didn’t realize how powerful the subconscious self-limiting beliefs were until I reflected on the events that had occurred since November.  My anger and negative emotions took over until I felt it in my body.  Yep, that is exactly what happens, when you stub your toe, hit your funny bone, cut your finger, etc.  You are thinking of something that the universe, God, or whoever you believe in wants you to stop obsessing over.  To make a point and create a sense of awareness within you something will happen.  And that means an event, accident, or confrontation will come into your life to get you to open your eyes and see it.  And hopefully, you get the message and stop the negativity and self-loathing.  Hopefully, you stop, breathe, and reflect. And wake up and smell the coffee.  The life events that come into our path are all learning experiences.  And life is great at changing the subject when you are smack in the middle of a stressful situation.

We have all felt extra stress during this quarantine.  As a nurse, I left so many close friends, family, and colleagues at the frontline.  It has been devastating to be far away from them when they needed support and love.  Yet, my fear and negative thoughts kept getting in my way.  I let all those negative thoughts stop me from reaching out to them when they needed me most.  And I spent the last few weeks working up my strength and resilience to help those I love most.  And it was my awareness after falling on my butt, that made me realize, this moment is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I was given a gift to share with the world.  And I have been hiding it because of my own insecurities and self-doubt.  I have been hiding because I fear what people will think of my uniqueness.  But the truth is it doesn’t matter.  Because the people I love at the frontline deserve to see the silly side of me.  They deserve to have the funny girl that brings a smile, a joke, and inspirational words into their days.  And if that means I get on Camera with a wig and make a funny joke as I teach a relaxation technique then so be it. So after falling on my butt, I realized that my uniqueness can inspire others to use their awareness to set themselves free from the turmoil within.  And I was inspired to create a unique experience for my friends and colleagues at the frontline.  So I created a video teaching some simple relaxation techniques wearing one of my wigs.

So the moral of this story is to get up and get out of your own way.  The world is sending me challenges and obstacles for you to evolve into the person you dream.  Sitting at the sidelines doesn’t serve anyone. So get up and get moving.  Your awareness and action can set you free from the stress that lies within.