Repairing a Wrong is Key to Success within Relationships –at Work and Home

Put on then…compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

–Colossians 3:12-14

Being Forgiving with Kindness because I care about the hearts and minds within others, I forgive because I too am forgiven.

2 Truths

If one were to pause and think successful relationships mean they never have a conflict, they would be mistaken.

  1. The truth is every relationship has conflict. How is that for a great thought, yikes, who wants that? Not very many people! Most people want peace, harmony, and happiness, and when they don’t get peace, harmony, and happiness that they want conflict happens.
  2. The truth is that relationships are set up for failure. Dr. Gottman, In the book, The Science of Trust, explains that both partners in a relationship are emotionally available, only 9% of the time leaving 91% ripe for miscommunication. It’s impossible to be emotionally available to your partner, to your family, to your colleagues, 100% of the time.

In good relationships, marriage, family, workplace, no matter how careful a person is, they will inevitably rupture the bond. Even in good relationships, people can:

Repairing means no blaming. It means forgiving and overlooking.

The key to success in relationships, therefore, is not determined by whether or not conflict happens, because it will. The key to success is when conflict occurs to repair the wrong one has caused. Repairing means no blaming. It means forgiving and overlooking. It means taking ownership of my part of the conflict without pointing out the fault in anyone else how relationships at work and home repair are what separates the relationship Masters from the Disasters.

According to data by the Ameican Psychiatric Association:

  • Employees with unresolved depression experience a 35% reduction in productivity
  • Contributing to a loss to the US economy of $210.5 billion a year in absenteeism
  • Reducing productivity
  • Increasing medical costs
  • Creating more significant burdens for leaders, at work, and home

Whether at work or home, good relationships do the same things unhealthy relationships do. However, instead of avoiding and not talking about what happened, they forgive with kindness by coming back together and talking about it. After physiological effects from heightened blood pressure settles due to flipping one’s lid, individuals have an easier time meeting back up to repair and recover from the conflict. Each party should share their responsibility for their part in the conflict. Attunement builds emotional trust, an understanding that their relationship is more important than the problem so they can begin the process of being forgiving with kindness.

According to the Gottman Institute, friendship is vital to a good repair attempt.

Three essential principles to practice often from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,

Principle 1: Enhance Love Maps – getting to know others better, share stories, and remembering the story shared.

Principle 2: Express Fondness and Admiration – let others know how much I care and support them. That I am proud of them, lift others up, and be encouraging.

Principle 3: Turn toward each other instead of away – notice and respond to other’s bids for emotional connection and attention – Look in each other’s eyes.

• Ask and validate other’s opinions.
• Laugh at other’s jokes.
• Hold hands.
• Practice a daily a six-second kiss (not recommended for work:)— answer other’s questions with kindness.

 

Here’s to being a blessing by forgiving and repairing!

Some parts of this article were originally published on Verily and edited here from its original version.

Sara Thingvold
Sara Thingvoldhttps://triuneleadershipservices.com/
Sara is a business owner who partners with high performing leaders and organizations in their Leadership and Relationship Development, serving as their executive coach, trainer, and consultant. She coaches one on one, couples, and groups. Sara is an International Coaching Federation accredited coach, with specialties in Servant Leadership, Emotional Intelligence, and taking a deeper dive into one’s Self-Care. She is a trained Gottman's Leader specializing in Emotion Coaching, 7 Principals of Making Marriage Work and Bringing Baby Home, along with other certifications and qualifications. She has a B.A. in Psychology from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, where she competed at the Division One level in volleyball. Her life and her professional work are both foundationally based on biblical principles. Sara is also an aspiring author and the creator of Pause2Endure, an emotional intelligence, Emotional Quotient (EQ) tool, helping others understand the link between EQ and Servant Leadership to achieve their goals. Sara takes from her work and life experiences, deep understanding of human behavior, and her fun spirit to help others unlock their God-given potential personally and professionally. She began partnering with Triune Leadership Services in the spring of 2018; working with Sara will give a person or a group direction, peace, and connection. Sara and her husband, Greg, of 26 years, live in Ashby, Minnesota. They have one son Derrick, and one daughter, Brooke Lynn. Sara loves the outdoors, is becoming a Master Gardner, enjoys an assortment of hobbies, playing games and cooking with her family and friends, working out, and being intentional about strengthening her life with purpose.
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Kimberly Davis

Really lovely work, Sara. Welcome! The 9% statistic kind of freaked me out, if I’m honest. Something to think about…

Joel Elveson

Welcome, Sara to our group. There is so much that has to go into a marriage to make it work. Above all, there must be constant communication in the marriage. Nobody should feel ignored, not valued, taken for granted, etc. After 33 years of marriage, I am still earning new things not only about love and intimacy (both are so very important) but also about understanding feelings. Stress be it at home or at work can and will have consequences. Stress is not totally avoidable but how we manage it is important. I have only touched the surface. It is obvious from your article you have a clear understanding of what makes relationships “tick”, pitfalls to avoid and more. Thank you, Sara, for your enlightening article.

Aldo Delli Paoli

Conflicts are inevitable in any context of everyday life, so we need to be able to recognize them, manage them and solve them in a positive way. It is important to see them as an expression of different visions and moments of individual growth, or even as a chance to improve one’s relationships through more effective communication.
Proper conflict management is crucial both in the private sphere, linked to family, friendship and love, and in the workplace, the scene of numerous clashes due to forced cohabitation between individuals who do not know each other.
One of the rules of the fundamental rules is to remember that from a resolved conflict neither losers nor winners must come out, but people satisfied to have found a meeting point.

Maureen Nowicki
Maureen Nowicki

I adore the concept of attunement that you wrote about, Sara. Some implementable relationship advice that is savvy and extremely caring and even eye-opening. Thank you for this piece and a warm welcome in joining us!

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