Reconciling our Contraditions

Perhaps this comes as a surprise to some, but humans tend to be messy, complicated creatures, and by extension, that likely applies to the majority of us reading this article. As much as we may like to typecast, assume, stereotype, or quickly judge people, chances are that if we actually spend some time getting to know one another, we will recognize dimensions of each other’s personality or character that perhaps were not so obvious upon first impression or our initial interactions.

That can be a very positive thing, but it also can be fraught with unknowns and sometimes revelations that we may not look upon favorably. Being able to “read” people is a skill that may be innate in some, but for others is only learned through hard-won lessons and sometimes disappointing or even bitter experiences.

That said, I’ve always personally gravitated towards people with a certain “richness of character,” who are multi-faceted (or at least give the appearance of being so), oftentimes iconoclastic in their own way, and more inclined to think for themselves rather than follow the herd. While this can be rewarding in terms of our interactions, it can lead at times to miscommunication, misunderstandings, or simply disagreements when either party stubbornly clings to a particular point of view.

Sometimes we have to make peace not only with the contradictions within ourselves but with others as well.

Separating our Wants vs. Our Needs

The Rolling Stones famously coined the lyric, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you’ll find you get what you need.”

We can expend tremendous time and energy in pursuit of people and things that we want or have convinced ourselves that we want. With that in mind, it arguably is a good idea to give some thought to what we think we want and to be clear if this is truly the case, or if we are simply seeking a relationship with someone or possession of something for external validation. If we are completely honest with ourselves, how often have we found ourselves pursuing a relationship with someone, or a particular job because we thought that if we landed the relationship or the job, our lives would measurably be better? If we were successful in the pursuit, is this in fact what happened?

All too often, the things we want may fill a temporary desire or be motivated by factors that have less to do with well-thought-out requirements or necessities and more to do with outside influences. They may temporarily improve our quality of life or our perception thereof, but ultimately they are not indispensable. And consequently, we find ourselves disappointed or disillusioned in short order.

Needs, of course, are more basic and arguably less subjective, adhering to the Maslow Hierarchy and required for our continued existence. Without them, we either cannot live or will face serious challenges in attempting to do so. We need oxygen, we need water, we need food, we need sleep. Arguably, we need human contact as well and a sense that we are valued and that our lives somehow matter, at least to another living being. Some people are even content with keeping pets, perhaps preferring the company of animals to their fellow humans. Ultimately it boils down to love and acceptance because only a true misanthrope is capable of completely rejecting love from another.

Aligning our Values and Being True to Ourselves

A perennial evergreen topic across social media channels it often seems are discussions about “authenticity,” which ironically enough, often deteriorate into something “other than,” in part due to the reality that social media is always curated. With rare exceptions, people reveal what they want to at a time and place of their choosing, whether that choice is consciously made or not. It has been my observation that those who pontificate about being “authentic” are oftentimes guilty of manufacturing what I sardonically refer to as “inauthentic authenticity” or, in other words, a flimsy facsimile of a narrative that they are trying to convey.

From my point of view at least, there is something decidedly unnatural and calculated about living one’s life very publicly and constantly broadcasting one’s activities and thoughts over social media. This invariably seems to add additional stress to one’s life and pressure to maintain a constant presence and online visibility and to consistently appeal to voyeuristic audiences. To each their own, but I’d rather remain something of an enigma or relatively unknown than subject myself to the judgment of those who don’t even know me.

That said, it would be hypocritical not to admit that I am often quite guarded in how I interact with people online and the information that I’m willing to share, at least publicly. This is for both pragmatic reasons and privacy, to whatever extent that still can exist, wanting to maintain some separation between career and personal life. Perhaps it is also a generational notion of not wanting to live my life online and not seeking approval or approbation from strangers.

No matter our personal philosophy, if we are attempting to live authentically, we do need to understand our core values and align them with our behaviors and the people and places that we associate with. And that ultimately brings us full circle, because life is indeed oftentimes messy, people are complex, and we all can find ourselves wrestling with not just our own contradictions arising from such complexities, but those of people we are drawn to and choose to spend time with.