Put Him In The Freezer

I don’t have a walk-in freezer to accommodate large items, in particular, people of the male persuasion, but I do know how to put them in the freezer. I learned about it back in college. College, those were the days. I had a good time in college. A really good time. I even earned a degree! A BS (yeah, BS as my dad would say) in Psychology. One would think that this degree would have aptly prepared me for all of life’s challenges. Not so much. It is, however, when divulged, a useful tool in scaring people into thinking that I am psychoanalyzing them as they speak. Yeah, I’m analyzing you and for sure, you are a psycho.

In my sophomore year, I pledged a sorority. First, I must say that these are the best women on the face of the earth. More particularly, some of the best people in my life. When I was going through my breast cancer, my sorority sisters flew a porcelain ostrich egg (it’s a pledge thing) all over the country for each sister to write me well wishes. It is one of my most prized possessions and remains on a pedestal on my dresser. Whenever I am having a sh&* day, I read the messages, my favorite one from my sister Audra. “Cons, I am amazed by your strength and by how f’ing big this egg is! Thank God no one found this for pledging!” This egg is so important to me that if my house was to catch on fire, I would first rescue my teenagers, my two crazy D-O-G’s as I call them, and then my egg.

But let’s get back to the freezer. My sorority sisters and a friend of mine from high school all profess the power of the freezer in ridding you of any and all agita – ill-suited men, those who break your heart and anyone who has the courage to drive you batsh&* crazy. You write their name on a piece of paper, fold it into foil, slap it in the freezer and whalah – they are forever removed from your psyche! No voodoo, no black magic. If it so happens that one of your freezer mates ends up with a life-altering wedgie while disembarking from a chair lift at a ski resort because his ski-pants get caught on the chair, then so be it.

One of my sorority sisters thinks it would be better to write their name on a lemon peel and then put it down the garbage disposal. Yes, that would certainly bring about a better smell, but it may require a whole lot of lemons!

And I have to say, there is such power in knowing a specific individual is stuck under a leaky popsicle in my freezer.

My one piece of advice on the freezer maneuver is to every so often, check your freezer to see who is in it. A funny thing happened when I moved out of my last house and was cleaning out the freezer. One of my kids said, “Mom, what’s with all of these pieces of foil?” Let me just say that in that freezer were many years of crazy dates, wrong-doers and an ex-husband who was put in the freezer on more than one occasion. I did have quite a laugh over the amount of foil. I probably had enough foil to cover a casserole if I had taped them all together.

So what is the moral of the story here? If the Godfather can “go to the mattresses,” then surely there is no harm in taking it to the freezer. Just make sure you have an adequate amount of aluminum foil and maybe a leaky popsicle or two.