Prayer was a huge part of my life since childhood. I never really understood how much it had helped me in difficult times until 2019 when I began a journey to find forgiveness. Prayer set my heart free but forgiveness gave me freedom to accept my calling. It was not easy to shift into a new way of life after realizing my child abuse had been keeping feeling stuck and frozen all my life.
I started my journey into forgiveness with a prayer I found through meditation. It was a new prayer for me as I was raised Catholic and primarily prayed the Our Father. But this prayer made me feel different. It helped me reach a state of forgiveness when life’s obstacles and triggers made me feel overwhelmed. I found this Hawaiian prayer called Ho’opponopono months before visiting Hawaii and began using it regularly. It was very simple but powerful and I noticed a deep sense of calm filled me each time I used it. The prayer is “I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.” I noticed that each time I placed a person that upset me on a stage and recited this prayer for them, my own stress melted away in the process. It was a feeling of calm and hope that began to transform my life daily.
The story began long ago but prayer and connection in darkness cracked the chains that held my heart locked in trauma. After months of prayer with Ho’oponopono, I was invited to a retreat by a friend. It was not a church retreat but rather a mindfulness and gratitude-based journey towards forgiveness and awareness. As I stared into the eyes of a stranger feeling deep connection and oneness, tears began to overflow. In that moment as I prayed to God, it became clear that forgiveness would set me free from the chains that had been causing emotional, physical, and mental stress for decades. I clearly saw my abuser and the chains that were keeping me stuck and knew it was time for forgiveness. And in this moment of deep connection, I saw the path to healing was coming and it involved sharing my story and unlocking Pandora’s box. At the time I had no idea that the journey of forgiveness had many layers and prayer would be a crucial part of that journey but I leapt into it. My first leap of faith was sharing a story publicly that I had yet to share privately with my family. So early in 2020, I applied to be featured in Crappy to Happy: Sacred Stories of Transformational Joy.
The following years took me through some difficult times as I had to learn to deal with judgement and criticism from sharing a private horror so publicly. But I used prayer throughout that year to unravel the PTSD that continued to arise very often in my life. I continued using forgiveness in my life but I had moved on to a different version of Ho’oponopono created by Morrnah Simeona a Hawaiian healer. This powerful prayer was a daily tool to practice self-forgiveness at a higher level and cleanse my body, mind and soul. This beautiful prayer became something I read, wrote or listened to often until I finally worked up the courage to go back in time, face my biggest fear and heal from a much deeper place.
Prayer helped me build up the courage to set boundaries with family and prepare myself for the hardest journey I would ever face.
And the courage came in the summer of 2021 to schedule myself for a treatment that would help me see the truth I had hidden from myself in my childhood. The treatment journey took almost a year to unravel the triggers and emotions that kept taking me back to that dark place in my mind. The place I used to call the “Red Room.” It may have been a place filled with incomprehensible memories and hurt but the only way to heal them was to face them, process them and forgive by understanding the full truth. I had to understand exactly what I had faced, how my nervous system had reacted, why my digestive system was a mess since childhood. I had to unravel everything to understand how my trauma impacted my immune system and my mental and physical health. And prayer gave me the hope and courage to evolve through it.
Fast-forward, to a vision of great hope in the midst of my journey. I had completed several EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) treatments combined with regular talk-therapy. A surreal experience happened before a session. And I instantly knew something in me had shifted to let the truth in and release the past. As I sat in a small park nature began to dance for me. The vibrantly green grass and my connection with nature began to tickle my senses and spark my creativity. It all came at a time when treatments showed me the true darkness and pain my 5-year-old little girl had faced. Each treatment was a dark time, as I unraveled the truth behind the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. But as I practiced self-love and prayer, moments of joy and peace came often. I began to see more beautiful messages in nature as I unraveled the layers of pain and forgave religiously, consistently, and persistently.
As I sat in stillness feeling the breeze upon my skin my body began to tingle as nature unraveled its magic. And in the park, I began to see magic as nature danced and clear messages came into my mind. A monarch butterfly began to dance around all over the park. As guidance began to fill my mind and set the stage for my new path. The mystical butterfly was dancing around the grass circling the bronze statues. And as it danced around, I knew soon, I would be ready for the forgiveness I had been seeking. And all the pain was coming to an end. The monarch drifted away and a yellow butterfly took its place with its magical dance around the mystical sphere statue. I realized in that moment Orgazmik healing was my destiny and sharing it would be my way of spreading love to the world. It felt as though spirit was flowing through me filling my veins with euphoric sensations and peace of mind. All the visions from the past few years and the insights of my future rush through me as I recognized all the signs that had come into my life over the past few years of healing.
Fast forward to summer 2022, the treatments were completed long ago but symptoms of stress still lingered regularly. Amidst a magical vacation in paradise new signs began to emerge. And as I stared into the ocean, a sense of peace and gratitude filled me. As I realized this trip was a blessing and gift for me to unravel the last tormenter in my mind. There was a judge in my mind that had been triggering the victim to take over my life and get me stuck in self-sabotage for years. And in that moment looking at the bluest ocean water and praying the answers came to me in the wind. And I recognized my worthiness for all the blessings in my life. I expressed gratitude for myself, my family and everything I had gained on this journey. And the moment I began to recite my prayers and affirmations accepting that my path was unveiling itself daily, the butterflies began to dance again. And I remembered, in that moment to pray, the prayer that had saved my little girl. The prayer she used in the “Red Room,” when she felt alone. And I prayed to God expressing thanks for that prayer in my native language, Spanish. And a deep sense of relief filled me as I realized I had come full circle. And in that moment, I felt the chains that had held my heart had fallen away leaving space for love and kindness towards myself and others. And now, as I finish writing this story a yellow butterfly flies high across my second door window, encouraging me to share the power of love and forgiveness with you.
The truth is that prayer is your own way of talking to God or a higher force. I found that prayer was crucial for me to find my way in life. I hope this story inspires you to find your own unique prayer to a higher force. Maybe it will be one of the prayers I shared. Maybe it will be a prayer you create or find in your life. Maybe it will be a prayer from your past. The way the prayer comes to you doesn’t matter. The importance is to remember that prayer has power. Prayer gives courage. Prayer brings Hope. And hope sets you Free.