For a long time, the very word “polyamory” gave me anxiety. I think for people, that sort of word might bring up some serious upset. Why? For women, it might be security. For men, it might bring up some upset also. Why? Territory and identity.
Women haven’t always been able to take care of themselves, and deeply woven into the mental fabric of our subconscious minds, whether we like the idea or not, is this understanding that we need support, and someone to be our caretaker.
Could women chop down the tree and build the cabin? Kill the bear with a bow and grill the meat over the fire? Nah… We didn’t have the physical strength always.
Women were the berry gatherers. And, we needed protection.
Men generally want/need/desire more than one woman, but from my observation, their “woman” finding/seeing another man can be perceived, subconsciously, as “not enough-ness,” that they aren’t worthy as a provider or a lover.
It’s a very wild thing… We have these complicated relationship desires but we’re often trying to put them in parochial boxes.
As I think about my life “in relationship” versus “out of relationship,” I’m so much happier during the latter. I feel freer, more at ease, more able, and more myself.
And, yet, when I’m in the former, there’s this lingering fear that I’ll lose the human that I’m with… That they’ll go on off and find someone else… And that I’ll be destitute like I often say — “dead in a ditch.”
What’s a complete mindf##k about it all is that … I actually do better on my own. I love to live alone, I have for my entire adult life, and when I don’t find myself tied to one human, I am an overall happier, healthier, more amazing person.
I’ve figured out a few things:
- I am polyamorous
- I do polyamory in the most natural way possible, which is to let my relationships evolve and change on their own
I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships, as my brother got married last weekend.
This brother is a private person (somewhat opposite of me) so I don’t write about him often. He has no social media presence and doesn’t love his life displayed on the interwebs.
This is a stark difference from how I live my life, where everything is on the interwebs. If you want to find it, it’s probably here. You can likely find my blood type if you look hard enough.
It took me over a week to let this experience of his wedding roll around, because, for many days after the emotional rollercoaster that a wedding can be, I was completely in a state of irritation; Not irritation toward my brother or sister-in-law, because their love and union was such a privilege to bear witness to, but just irritation in general.
When I have complicated emotions, sometimes I can only experience irritation for many days until I can feel safe enough to understand my emotions.
A lot of these emotions manifest as anger first.
My coaching clients learn that “anger” is a surface-level emotion. It’s protective, and it’s usually protecting us from something else more vulnerable: fear, regret, desire, love…
I often use the example of your child running into the street. That likely will first manifest as anger.
“DON’T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!”
But, what’s behind the anger? Fear of your child getting pancaked by a rolling-by garbage truck? Pain, living in the wreckage of the future, where your child is harmed, even killed? Regret, for not being a better parent? Or… deep love, for the human you brought into the world?
You probably wouldn’t go to your child and say “I love you so deeply” after they ran into the street, garbage truck oncoming. No… You’d scream, wail, scold. Because anger is protective… it protects us from all of the much harder emotions, the emotions where we’re faced with the depths of our humanity.
It’s much easier to be angry…
During the wedding, I observed anger from family members and within myself. People in my family are often “angry,” “pissy,” and “irritated.” Because under all of that is this deep desire to love… and be loved.
Under the anger is “pain,” “regret,” “desire…” Under the anger is the truth.
Weddings are emotional. They’re probably the only occasion when I desire to drink, save for the airport bar. I’m sober for four years next month, and if you’ve spent any time perusing the content on my website about drinking, you know that drinking is not really a “problem,” but rather the symptom of a problem.
My problem at weddings (and the airport bar) is the desire I have to not experience emotions. And hell, there are so many emotions—
The humans experiencing immense anxiety.
The emotions of the parents, grappling with the change, maybe even perceived “loss” of their children.
The emotions of confusion of my almost 93-year-old grandmother with dementia, for whom I played the role of caretaker for three days.
The irritation of that role, and the guilt I experienced for being irritated.
The emotions of the friends, extended family… The emotions of exhausted travelers.
Alcohol-infused emotions. Sugar peaks and crashes. Food at weird times. Constipation.
So many emotions to feel.
And then, perhaps more private matters of the family was the upset manifest from my mother, which was really (in my own opinion) deep, deep sadness for so many different reasons. “You don’t gain a daughter, you lose a son,” and all of that.
For me, bearing witness and having all of this roll around was a lot.
And then there was my polyamory, and this unspoken-about theme of my life….
That was probably the only catalyst of emotions that were truly “mine.”
Even though my polyamory has been a life theme, and feels the best to me in my body, it’s hard to be alone at a wedding with no one to dance with, and no one to look at you with adoration.
I’m here … “with my mother,” “with my grandmother,” “No, I don’t have a date.” “No, I don’t have anyone to take photos with. No, I’m not going to leave this party and have sex. I’m going to go and make sure my grandmother doesn’t die in the shower. I’m also going to turn it on for her, and off… And tomorrow, I’ll wake up and turn on the TV for her with the volume so loud my mind wants to explode into a million, billion bits.”
The truth is, I want a big party with all of my family and friends. It was beautiful to see my mother, stepmother, stepfather, sibling, half-sibling, and STEP-siblings sitting at the same table to celebrate a union between my brother and his now wife.
It was beautiful to see two sets of parents, family, friends of family, and an amalgamation of different groups of friends present and loving for this said experience.
I want something like that… I want the burst of love and adoration, the fanfare, the hair, makeup, suits, ties, dresses, music, food and cake. I want a big party where everyone I love is in one room together. I love so many people, and wouldn’t it be cool to get them all together before we start dying?
And then, I want to go home to my bed alone, and start my nighttime calls to all of those whom I love so much but am not with, and do not “belong” to.
