I’m lying in my warm bed a little bit longer this morning. It’s quiet. The sheets, blankets, and duvet have become another layer of my being. I’m awake, but I haven’t opened my eyes. I don’t want to see anything. I just want to be. I take some deep breaths. I think about breathing in a new day. I think about exhaling my worries of yesterday. This is a new day. A new start. I’m in control of my life. I get to choose how I feel. I get to choose how I treat people. I get to choose who holds space in my mind. I’m not in control of how my past has affected me or what my future might hold, but I don’t want to go down the rabbit hole. I only want to focus on this moment. I want to focus on what I am grateful for. I want to focus on the things in my power.
I slowly open my eyes and see the sunrise peeking through the white and blue sheer curtains that adorn my bedroom window. I find the colors of this sunrise mesmerizing. I focus on the coral hue that effortlessly sits in between the pink and orange. With each blink of my eyes, the sunrise seems to change. Within minutes, the coral I‘ve been fascinated by seems to fade into the background. I see only orange and yellow now. I’m grateful for my bedroom. I’m grateful for the location of this window. What a beautiful way to begin the day.
I close my eyes once more. Before I commit to getting out of bed, I want to fully embrace and enjoy the silence.
The dogs are sleeping. My children are visiting their father. And I’m alone. I’m far from lonely, but I’m the only human here. I’m grateful for this moment. I’m grateful for the respite. It juxtaposes the chaos of normal life. And I’m grateful to be able to experience both.
I slip out of bed and head to my dresser. I’m ready to change from my bedtime pajamas to my daytime pajamas. I open my pants drawer and notice only a few pairs of my not-so-favorite loungewear available. One pair is a little too short, and it’s too cold for exposing my ankles. The other pair is a bit too tight, but I keep them because I may be thinner one day. And there are a few pairs I haven’t worn in well over a year – and likely won’t ever again. But I haven’t managed to part with them yet.
I look in the corner and see four laundry baskets filled with clean clothes. I’ve been neglecting them for almost a week now. I don’t mind doing laundry, but folding it is such a drag. I dig through the first basket, and a few socks and pairs of kids’ underwear fly out of the basket onto the floor. I find what I’m looking for and then clean up the mess I’ve left behind. I head to the sock drawer and uncover the same low inventory issue. So, I go back to digging in the baskets. I should try to fold this tonight.
I head into the kitchen to make myself some coffee. I fill up my reusable Keurig K-cup with my favorite ground dark roast. I hit the brew button and walk over to my Great Dane’s XL stainless steel bowl to dump four-and-a-half cups of kibble in it. I begin to smell the aroma of my glorious bean juice, but the sound is off. I glance over and notice I’ve forgotten to put a cup under the machine! I quickly grab a cup and place it under the spout in a coffee puddle. Next, I grab some towels and clean up the mess.
And my day continues at the same manageable level of chaos. There are a few issues with clients. A nasty email from my ex-husband. My Great Dane pukes four-and-a-half cups of regurgitated dog food onto the carpet. And when the workday finally concludes, as I reach for a wine glass, I drop it on the floor and watch it shatter into pieces. I’m thankful that was prior to its being filled with its namesake. I turn on some peaceful music and clean up the shards of glass.
I can’t control what happens on any given day, but I can control how I react.
I get another glass from the cabinet and try once more. I carefully carry my full glass into the living room. I pick up Inward by yung pueblo. It’s a wonderful book of poems, and some days I need to just pick a random page, read it, and try to understand the message. Today was one of those days.
“when chaos is all around you
the wisest choice is to create
peace within you
your peace shines outward
and supports the creation
of a new harmony”
I take a deep breath. What a perfect poem to begin my evening. And then I remember the sunrise from this morning. I remember how calm and grateful I was. I try to hold onto those moments to bring myself back.
And no, I won’t fold the laundry. Not tonight. It won’t bring me peace.
I take another deep breath. I’m grateful for that poem. I’m grateful it found me tonight. I cannot stop the chaos from stirring around me. But I can create some peace within me.