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Parenting and Emotional Intelligence

When I became a parent, I mean the instant my son was born, I became insanely vulnerable. I felt it. It was a sudden rush over my entire being. I experienced a depth of love I had never known before. The thought of any harm coming to my son was unthinkable’ it hurt, ached, and was incredibly painful just to think of the smallest of things happening. Reading stories of other children incurring pain and hardship triggered deep heartache.

All at once, I was in a position of deep deep vulnerability; emotions were amplified to a level of extremes and these emotions came out in ways that were new to me.
  • Intense love. Some could have called it smothering (oh the kisses and snuggles and hugs).
  • Fierce protection. Some could have called it overreacting (GET AWAY FROM THE ROAD! WATCH YOUR HEAD! DON’T TOUCH THAT!)
At the time my son was born, I was already on my emotional intelligence journey, and what I knew is that I needed to get my shit together so that, I would not become a parent that actually smothered their child, gave participation ribbons, or helicoptered for safety. My journey included looking toward 3 key areas within emotional intelligence:
 

1. Reality testing

2. Impulse control

3. Emotional expression

Becoming a parent is a balancing act between our reptilian brain and our emotional limbic brain. As a parent, you are now responsible for another human life, and this creates a depth of vulnerability that we may have never experienced before. This easily triggers emotional responses that we also have never experienced before, perhaps have never identified or focused on, but were lying dormant until this very moment. And now we have to deal with them. And deal with them quickly before we ruin our children.
 

I’m serious about this statement; ruin our children. When we react emotionally in parenting, it is the child who gets the brunt of it.

When our emotional baggage negatively impacts the way we parent, the damage is done to the child.

When we carry forward lessons that negatively impacted our self-esteem into our parenting, the damage is done to the child.

When we use regrets from our life choices and directions, into our parenting choices, the damage is done to the child.

When we see the opportunity to fulfill our life dreams through our children, the damage is done to the child.

It is important, as a parent, to take care of yourself first, to develop your emotional intelligence so that you can be diligent in parenting for the child or children that you have. Not for the child that you once were or wish you were or feel sorry for or are trying to protect.

I know. I’ve been there.

I’ve worked through the pain of trusting someone to watch my son because I was molested as a child.

I’ve worked through forcing my son into sport after sport, competition after competition because that’s what I loved doing.

I’ve worked through driving him to be the student with the highest grades because that’s the lessons I was given as a child (which falsely drove my worth).

I’ve worked through ‘should-ing’ my son into anything.

And instead, I’ve learned to take the lead from him. I pay attention. And all of my parenting know-how is built upon supporting, encouraging, teaching, giving lessons when they are needed, asking questions, being curious about who he is discovering he is, establishing the safety for him to talk to me about anything, allowing him the space to fail and being there when he needs a hug without being the one to pick him up, giving him the skills for resiliency and persistence, teaching him to self-soothe and manage his emotions, holding him accountable to being a good person, leading by example for kindness and compassion, providing him the space to have a voice and exercise it respectfully. 

The reaches of emotional intelligence are vast and deep. I’m here to help.

Teresa Quinlan
Teresa Quinlanhttps://www.iqeqtq.com/
Teresa Quinlan, Executive Coaching, Leadership Development, Speaker, Consultant. An Entrepreneur and Founder of her personal brand and the formula IQ+EQ=TQ, Teresa is passionate about emotional intelligence as the key ingredient to leveraging your IQ and personality and achieving the greatest levels of performance success. Teresa has been focused on transforming individuals, teams, and organizations to greater levels of performance since 1998 and has experienced leading teams and organizations through the highest of highs and the most challenging changes. Having spent over 25 years cultivating a rich and diverse set of skills, knowledge, behaviours, coaching and training new and experienced leaders, and mentoring, Teresa has developed shoot straight coaching, training, and mentoring techniques which foster opportunities for sustainable behavioural changes that lead to exceptional results; whether these results are to improve an individual's overall sense of well-being, a teams ability to be innovative, collaborative, self-organizing and self-directing, or an organizations ability to truly live their values throughout every uphill battle and downhill celebration. The road for Emotional Intelligence can being with the EQi-2.0 assessment; providing the baseline markers for one’s current EQ skill set. Development of EQ is done in many ways including: 1:1 Coaching, lEQdership – Leadership Development through Emotional Intelligence Program, Webinars, Speaking Engagements, Team coaching, and consultation. Listen to TNT ESQ podcast with co-host Rhys Thomas on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Anchor, and more.

1 COMMENT

  1. Teresa,
    This is such a powerful insight into being a parent! Our emotional intelligence is critical in our decision making and the actions we take.
    And my experience has been that the more present I am, the more I learn about my children and myself. The absolute hardest part is defaulting to paradigms. We will never get it perfect, but I know we all do the best we can with what we know at the time. Sometimes it takes time to tap into our own emotional intelligence.

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