Recently, our son, Quinn, and his wife, Katie, gave us a Nespresso machine. Since I prefer my coffee strong enough to slice it, it was right up my alley. The machine came with a variety pack of coffees, each bearing an Italian name, followed by descriptions, also in Italian.
This was the assortment:
- Il Caffé, described as Diavolitto (devilish), and Altissio (high). After drinking a cup of this, I was so wired, I understood it to mean Hell might be up, not down.
- Voltesso, described as Inizio (beginning) and Toccanto (touched). The electric effect of this blend was like the initial jolt you get after touching a live wire. After I called for Anne, she came up to my office and scraped me off the ceiling.
- Double Espresso Chiaro, described as Dolce (gentle) and Arondio (rodeo). This one is remarkably aptly named since the experience is like getting on an angry mule, rather than a bucking Brahman.
- Bianco Leggero, described as Forte (strong). This was definitely a matter of WYSIWYG. After a cup of this, I carried a piano up three flights of stairs by myself.
- Costa Rica, described as Arondia (rodeo) and Melozio (a harmonious blend of Latin American arabicas). This one is sort of like Double Espresso Chiaro, with a little less Italian and better smell than manure.
- Intenso, described as Stormio (stormy) and Odacio (a Nespresso brand). I wasn’t sure what to expect from this one. After my first cup, I was in a bad mood for two weeks. But I don’t know if there was any cause and effect there.
- Stormio. This produced the same experience as Intenso but extended for a month.
- Columbia, described as Inizio (beginning) and Solelio (sunny). The sensation from this blend is like opening your eyes on a fresh summer morning, then feeling like you’re living on Svalbard Islands, where the sun never sets from late April to late August.
- In Italian coffee culture, a caffè lungo is a coffee beverage made by adding more water to a traditional espresso shot, resulting in a longer drink. All that means is that you have to consume a little more liquid to consume the same amount of caffeine. It’s kind of like an extended-release black beauty.
- Collapsed Lungo. This variation of a caffè lungo gets you so jacked you feel like Sasquatch is standing on your chest, and your skin is turning to bark. After some oxygen and defibrillation, most people who favor this blend feel normal in a day or two.
- losione Improvvisa. Translated as sudden blastoff, this is a blend of Arabica and Robusto beans, with notes of chocolate and spice and hints of nitroglycerine and methamphetamine. It’s reputed that, after a double losione Improvvisa, Leo Tolstoy wrote War and Peace in 20 minutes.
Adjusting
Since Anne doesn’t like strong coffee, we’ve decided to put the Nespresso machine in my office. Accordingly, we’ve taken some precautionary provisions in lieu of modifying our homeowner’s insurance policy or our health insurance coverage.
We’ve secured my chair to the floor with lag bolts that go down through the floor of my office, through the ceiling of the garage below my office and are secured with nuts that tighten up to the garage ceiling. On my chair, we’ve installed the same Velcro hook and loop fasteners that are used in NASA’s Apollo missions. And unless I’m on Zoom calls, in which case I refrain from drinking anything from the Nespresso machine before the calls, I wear a NASA Apollo Deluxe Space Suit at all times. And we’re just a half mile from the Westfield Fire Department. So, fire crews and EMTs are always at the ready.
Yes, going to the bathroom while I’m wearing the space suit can be a distinct challenge. But since putting the Nespresso machine in my office and observing all the appropriate safety measures, I’ve suffered no serious injuries.
To order a Nespresso machine for your own home or office, have your credit card ready and dial 1-800-LIFTOFF.
Don’t forget to count down.
