In this world, nothing can be said that is certain, except death and taxes.
–Benjamin Franklin
I am inspired to write this piece, by a friend of mine who recently announced on Facebook to all his friends, that the cancer had returned. He said that “…it has spread radically over the past few weeks and it appears I have no hope of recovery from this relapse and little time left with you”.
This weekend I had the opportunity to meet up with him and a few of his friends.
It turned out to be one of loveliest yet most profound of occasions. We all go to occasions where we know the reason for being there, christening, weddings, funerals, etc., but to be at one where the reason was to meet a friend who knows he is close to dying, was very different.
I learned a lot from the whole experience, and in doing so also left me with many questions…
On my way there, I paused to reflect. Each and everyone one of us is actually in the same position as my friend, something which Pink Floyd captures so well, “one day closer to death”. The only difference is that we have no idea when ours will be. So instead of embracing each day as my friend is doing, we push it away, not talk about it, and allow our lives to be filled with ‘stuff’ that at the end of the day does not really matter.
We live our lives as though we have all the time in the world, yet sadly we do not.
As he said, it was only when he walked through the door of the pub did he realise, and appreciate, that he had actually got there (the previous weekend’s gathering had to be cancelled as he had been rushed into Hospital, and at that time he had no idea if he would be able to get down again). How much of our life do we take for granted?
My friend shared that he has experienced more joy and more calmness in the last two years since he was first diagnosed with cancer, then he had done in the whole of his life. He now feels so grateful each day for his life but in particular four things, which unsurprisingly, turn out not to be things or possessions, after all, i.e. family, friends, meaning (as in what you love or can get engrossed in for hours) and legacy.
He shared that when he first told people that he had cancer it made a noticeable difference to the way people reacted and talked to him, or rather found it difficult to talk to him. Some changed because they felt they did not know what to say, some found it easier for them to keep away. My friend’s reaction to it was so simple, why not just ask me. If I had broken my leg and I was in plaster or I had been off work with the flu, you would ask me about it, how was I doing, was it painful, yet because it was cancer, we find it awkward. Why is that? What is it like to be the person with cancer when their friends stay away? How might that feel?
In those situations, just listening to what is present for them is often all that is needed. Compassionate, empathic, deep, attentive listening, for them, will be more comforting than any amount of questions. Likewise sitting with them in the silence, however awkward we may feel, is for them nourishing beyond words. Whilst we may not want to hear about their pending death, they may want to, maybe really want to, talk about it.
He also shared something very beautiful and moving. He said that he had asked all his questions, spoken to all of the people he needed to, and in doing so felt at peace, nothing more needs to be said. How many of us have unresolved relationships, questions that need asking, words that need saying? Could we make that re-connection today?
I admire and acknowledge my friend’s courage and authenticity to be the man that he is truly.
Colin, this an incredibly powerful as well as touching story. Death scares people to the point they do not want to think or talk about it. In the case of terminal cancer or cancer in general many people are so overwhelmed by this dreaded disease they can no longer feel comfortable around the victim perhaps out of some ridiculous fear they may “catch it.”
Thank you Joel for sharing your thoughts. I agree that the mere mention of the word can send our friends away. My sense is that people don’t know what to say, feel so bad about it, the easiest thing for them to do is move away from you. Sadly, it is the time friends are most needed. Not to try and fix something, but to simply be present with another, to sit together, maybe in silence, so that they know they are not alone. I also wonder if it is because we can’t ‘fix it’ for them, we feel we can’t be with them. Colin
Colin, your thinking as to why friends avoid you during your time of greatest need is very plausible. It’s a sad statement if that is the case. Cancer like any other deadly disease can not only kill the patient but it kills family as well as friends. Thank you, Colin for responding to my comment. You article was terrific!
Thank you, Joel, most kind of you. If anyone has the willingness, courage or vulnerability to comment on my posts, I will always reply. It is like a conversation, ignoring what someone has said or shared is simply bad manners and rude. Like listening, the more you are curious and interested in the other, the more you learn. Many times, the more we listen, be it audible or written, the more the speaker/writer feels heard, the more likely they are to reply again. Funny old world, eh. What do you think?
Thank you, Colin. Your article meant so much to me personally. It is so valuable and meaningful for two people to have these back and forth discussions. I have a natural curiosity about people and animals which does not always show.
I am like you Joel in that I enjoy a good ‘back and forth’. Even more so as I have no idea where the conversation may go, all I do know is that it will go where it is meant to go. As I have got older, I know with even more certainty that life, in its entirety, is built upon and dependent upon relationships.
I believe that you know this too. Having curiosity s the best way to begin any relationship. Like your business in Recruitment, you have to have a relationship with both of the clients, those looking for a job and those looking for someone to fill their vacancy. Without that relationship, you will be unable to make the connection. Neith will trust you, will feel safe enough to share their desires, feelings, decisions, and we end up with a distance. Distance, as you know is the killer in any relationship.
Very happy to continue the dialogue, and equally happy to arrange a separate Skype/Zoom call.
Take care and have a great weekend
Colin
Colin, we are very much alike.
My articles have a down tone to them which sometimes is reflective of how I feel.
I would love to do some kind of video call with you.
It has been years since I had Skype.
I did a video call with Sandy Chernoff using Facebook.
The only other way I could do it would be through Duo.
Please let me know if either way works for you.
Have a great weekend!
If you are on LinkedIn or Facebook please connect with me.
Hi Joel, have connected through LinkedIn. Take care, Colin
We are now connected on LinkedIn