Why do we try and make another’s experience better for them? Is it altruistic and about them, or are we actually doing it for ourselves? Supporting someone else in having a positive emotional experience can be a wonderful thing when we are not looking for anything back and we have no expectation other than to give.
For many of us, inconsistency in our early home life had us try and make things better for our caregivers as a way to make things OK for ourselves. We learned when our caregivers were feeling ‘OK’, we had a better chance of getting our own needs met. If our caregivers were not feeling OK, it felt unsafe, and we became very vulnerable thinking our needs won’t get met. The ego came to our emotional rescue as children as we had no way to handle this type of emotional pain (abandonment, neglect, rejection). Our ego created a strategy that gave us something to do about the issue instead of seeing our caregivers as unable to help us. It told us that we were the problem. It may have sounded like ‘you have to do more to be enough for them change’ or ‘you have to change to be more lovable so they will pay attention to you, etc.’ This strategy (it’s not you, it’s me) gave us some control over the situation. Unfortunately, this strategy can stay with us through adulthood as we find ourselves still playing out experiences based on these same strategies. We may find ourselves having too much to do (at work, in relationships) as a way to feel like we are doing enough, or trying to change something about ourselves (body, dress, face) to get the attention we want. We can break this old spell if we understand our ego’s motivation.
For me, my ego decided that I must be responsible for my mother’s experience since the only times I felt safe and OK was when she was feeling relaxed – which I was able to influence. I worked hard to anticipate what her experience might be in any given situation. If I could be ‘prepared’ for her reaction, then I could help her feel better. Then, I could stay safe and get what I needed.
As a young adult, I spent most of my time thinking about the future and anticipating what may happen to stay safe. This kept me out of the present moment where my true safety lived. I saw it happening in my relationship with my husband and I decided to stop being responsible for his experience. That meant not trying to make him feel better when he felt frustrated, sad, disappointed, or struggled to gain control by controlling the small stuff in his life. Instead, I focused on my experience in the moment., What did I need or want to feel safe and supported rather than expecting it to come from someone else. I’ve learned this makes more space in all of my relationships by allowing everyone else to just be where they are without me needing to fix or change anything.
I caught myself recently trying to keep my husband from having an uncomfortable experience in the kitchen. I took over doing the chore which would have resulted in me being late for a work call. In that moment, I realized it wasn’t my job to make him more comfortable and that he can handle his own experiences – even the uncomfortable ones. I didn’t have to protect him from being uncomfortable in order to protect myself from his negative emotions. I left him to do it, made my call on time, and it all worked out fine for us both.
Now, I pay attention to what I’m experiencing inside and out. Staying embodied in what I’m thinking, feeling, smelling, seeing, tasting, and anything else I’m consciously aware of that is happening with me. What’s happening inside of and around me is the experience that I’m responsible for – I’m the one in here, and I know what’s best for me! Only I know what feels right to me in each moment without needing to impinge on what is right for others. That is the place where I can truly be responsible for my own experience and allow others to do the same for themselves.
How can you be responsible for your own experience today?
