My Quest for Health

I received an email last week. I don’t imagine I was its sole recipient. It was from Quest Diagnostics. The subject line was, “Last chance to shop our summer sale.” Summer sale? Wait! Medical testing is now a retail operation? Yep.

The body of the email said this:

Oh, no! Last chance? What does soon mean? Will I run out of time? When? What should I get tested for? After grabbing a paper bag for my hyperventilation, throwing back five or six martinis (Chopin vodka with a whiff of dry vermouth — shaken, not stirred, of course — and a blue-cheese-stuffed olive in each), and calming down a bit, I reviewed the list of tests available for men.

Then, I signed up for these:

• Basic Health Profile: According to the Quest website, this test will make me proactive in learning about my overall health and let me know how well my different organs and body systems are functioning. Thank God it’s proactive. Active would have been nowhere near enough.
• Comprehensive Health Profile: The purpose of this test is to help me understand what the hell all the stuff I got in my Basic Health Profile means — things like Complete Blood Count (CBC), Comprehensive Metabolic Panel (CMP), Cholesterol Panel, Vitamin D Test, Hemoglobin A1c (HbA1c), High-Sensitivity C-Reactive Protein (hs-CRP), Urinalysis, and PSA (Prostate-Specific Antigens). I signed up for this one in the hope it would determine the severity of my CRS (can’t remember shit).
• Comprehensive Metabolic Panel: This is also provided as part of the Comprehensive Health Profile. It will evaluate my body’s chemistry and metabolism, measuring 14 components of my blood to assess liver and kidney function, electrolytes and fluid balance, proteins, blood sugar, and calcium. While it seemed a bit redundant — and while I’d have preferred 18 or 20 components to a measly 14 — I signed up for it because the Quest site said it’s a best seller. There’s no way I’m going to miss out on something like that.
• Iron, TIBC & Ferritin Panel: This test will measure the amount of iron in my blood, how well my blood transports iron, whether it transports it by truck or rail car, and the amount of iron I have stored. More important, I’m hoping the test will reveal the source of my magnetic personality.
• Testosterone Test: Testosterone is, of course, a key hormone affecting sex drive, fertility, muscle mass, bone health, and hair production. I’m okay with all of that. But I registered for the test to see if someone might be able to tell me why the hair from my head seems to be migrating to my ears.
• Total Cholesterol Test: By taking this test, I’ll be able to determine the total amount of cholesterol in my blood, which may help identify my risk of developing cardiovascular problems like heart disease and stroke. I could also have signed up for the Cholesterol (Lipid) Panel, which would have measured lipid levels to help assess risk for the same heart attack, heart disease, and other diseases of the blood vessels the Total Cholesterol Test measured. But the Total Cholesterol Test was 16 bucks cheaper.

Sticks and Stones ….

Okay. I know some of you are probably thinking, “Geez, what a chincer. Scrounging to save 16 bucks on a health test.” What? Am I supposed to live forever? I signed up for six tests, for cryin’ out loud! Plus, the $16 I saved will buy me a Chopin martini — shaken, not stirred, of course — with a whiff of dry vermouth and a blue-cheese-stuffed olive.

I’ll sign up for my Liver Function Test after that.